Shut Up Bender

So Yeah...

2011-08-06T19:46:00.003-04:00

Those music blogs are officially gonna be in Duke Nukem Forever deadline. They'll be done when they're done. I'm working on launching my hockey blog, so sorry. More news on that blog soon though!

3 Month Check-in

2011-03-30T14:09:00.002-04:00

Hello Faithful,

I'm just checking in to give those of you a heads up who poke around a bit to remember the old times when I wrote 3 times a month. Well, I do have some columns backlogged for next year, but I am planning a summer long series over the summer where I chronicle some personal music lists. I'm sure it doesn't make up for the lost year, but it's something.

My goal this summer is to write lists with substance, as I read my old lists and the highlight is not my writing style, but the lists or videos themselves. It's a lazy style, and I wish to add both humor and information into my content, so that it is enjoyable to read and not just to look at.

Hopefully I will get my chops up so that I can write well all next year, and have a bunch of good entries and not just 2, and filler in between.

So see you in about 3 months, internet.

Year Off

2010-12-24T11:59:00.002-05:00

Dear everyone who reads my blog (yes, all 5 of you),

I have decided, in an effort to avoid staleness (too late) in my thoughts, to take a year off from blogging. I plan to come back to it next year, and in the meantime will think of better blog ideas. If something comes up in current events that I have thoughts on, maybe I'll post something here, but for the most part, I think I'll just be waiting. Each time I think of my blog, it has become more of a chore than a fun activity for me. So I'm taking some time off, rather than forcing updates twice a month.

See you next Christmas,

-Bender

5 Underrated Presidents

2010-11-15T15:12:00.003-05:00

I know, it's been a while. I've had a few ideas on some lists and blogs to do, but have not had the time to do them. But I figured I'd bang out this list real quick to give my fans something to do while watching "The Walking Dead" and reading Cracked articles.

The US of A has had a history of memorable leaders. When people tell you to rattle off good presidents, the same 5 or 6 usually come to mind (Washington, Lincoln, FDR, Teddy Roosevelt, Jefferson, and either Reagan or Clinton depending on your political affiliation). And bad presidents, the same thing happens (Buchanan, Pierce, Harding, Andrew Johnson, Bush, and either Reagan or Clinton depending on your political affiliation).

This list is a bit vague, as its hard to rank what some people find underrated. Looking at the different presidential ranking lists, it was hard to rank what presidents get the right amount of respect. Personally, and this is probably only me, but I find that Truman, Eisenhower, Madison, and JFK, though good presidents, usually get their due, so they will not appear on this list. Also, I find Andrew Jackson overrated. He's a good president, but he really divided the country (a party called the Anti-Jacksonian party was created in his dishonor) and made some certain people walk a bit. Though, if this were a list of most baddass presidents, things would be different.

So I present to you, in no particular order, some presidents that deserve more love.

James K. Polk:
Polk gets on this for the simplest of reasons: he set a goal and completed it. His goal was Manifest Destiny. The simple form of his goal was to expand America from ocean to ocean to spread and protect Democracy. All it took was knocking out Mexico and then tossing some cash on it's comatose body. Polk did this despite having opposition from the Whigs, who thought this war was rather gratuitous. The Whigs had some big political names at the time, including a young lad named Abraham Lincoln, who would also conquer an entire region for Democracy, but for more reasonable/less baddass reasons. Also, he gets points for a Seinfeld reference.

John Adams:
John Adams is often looked at as a weak president. Sandwiched between 2 of the greatest presidents in history, Adams got cold-cocked by a French war and got mauled for signing in the Alien and Sedition acts. But really, if you look at Adams from an optimistic standpoint, he really aided early America. He built up the Navy, made a diplomatic resolution with France, and gave power to his main political rival (Jefferson) when he wasn't re-elected. Washington handing over power was considered a ridiculously honorable thing, and something that was expected of a man like Washington. But Adams must've been salty to how his presidency played out, but rather than throwing a fit and becoming a dictator, he honorably stepped down to his nemesis.

John Q. Adams:
The weird thing about Quincy is most of his big moments occurred outside his presidency. He helped with the Monroe Doctrine before his presidency and was a member of the House of Reps. until his death, literally collapsing in the House of a cerebral hemorrhage. However, he still managed a decent presidency, and owns one of the greatest "eff you" moments in presidential history, with the Tariff of Abominations, after the South tried scheming against him to make him look bad. At least we know JQA keeps it real.

James Monroe:
A tall skinny guy makes a great stick.

Woodrow Wilson:
Wilson gets his credit where it's due, but seriously, he's a top tier president. If Wilson would've been president during World War 2, he'd probably be in the top 3. If the Republicans had allowed Wilson into the League of Nations, which he basically created, there may not have BEEN a World War 2, as the League may have prevented Hitler's rise to power. All because the Republicans didn't wanna protect Luxembourg. Damn you Luxembourg, you ruined Wilson's legacy, most of Eastern and parts of Western Europe, television in the 1940s, and my late grandfather's right butt cheek which got hit with mortar shrapnel in the Battle of the Bulge. You damn alcoholics!

10 Girly Bands I Like (And Why I Like Them)

2010-10-24T15:09:00.004-04:00

I like to think of myself as a man. Maybe not a man's man, but certainly not a sissy. However, when my favorite movie is 3 months of waiting away from being (500) Days of Summer, and I like watching Real World/Road Rules Challenge, I have to start looking in the mirror to make sure I still have a penis.

In my defense, sticking to my guns and not conforming to social norms does make me sort of strong-willed (Right society? This makes me cool...right?). So I will now announce, in no particular order, what me girliest bands that I like are, and will even explain why I like them. And none will be "it makes girls think I'm sensitive". As far as you know.

1) Silversun Pickups

I used to not like them. Their song titles made me hate them. The lead singer's voice bothered me. The feedback they played as they opened for Muse made me deaf. But now, I've done a 180 on them. I find their song titles clever, their lead singer has grown on me, just like Coheed and Cambria's did. However, their feedback was still total bullshit. But I'll give them a pass.

2) Shiny Toy Guns

To my credit, I only have really listened to them with their old female vocalist. Even still, that CD always gets me a look when I listen to it in my dorm room. But seriously, listen to "Rainy Monday", I'm a big fan of bands like Muse that can make the spacey-distant feel to their songs.

3) The Shins

So I love Garden State. Garden State tells me listen to The Shins. I did. Maybe it's blind association, but their acoustic feel really does make for some nice, laid back music.

4) Owl City

Indefensible, I know. It is one of the few bands that makes me feel impossibly happy. And I'm not so much of a critical, cynical bastard that I hate fun.

5) Motion City Soundtrack

I'm one of heterosexual males on the planet that still likes the song "The Future Freaks Me Out".

6) Monty Are I

Fun fact about this band. I never really see any song from "Wall of People" come up on my iTunes shuffle except for the rousing "Only the Weak" which makes the entire room stare at me. Though I've started to hate that song, I still enjoy the band.

7) Oasis

There was a long time in high school, before I got into Offspring and White Stripes, where "(What's the Story) Morning Glory" was my favorite album. It still is one of my favorites though, as it does a great job of being catchy and deep at the same time.

8) MGMT

Though I have to say, I didn't enjoy their new CD, "Oracular Spectacular" was amazing, and one of the few synth-rock/synth-pop albums I've ever really loved. They're strong lyrically and musically, a hard balance to achieve.

9) Regina Spektor

Though this is less girly, and more just wimpy. Actually, if you picture anyone in Alabama playing Regina Spektor, it's a pretty funny scenario.

10) Matt & Kim

Wikipedia has their genre listed as "dance-punk". I think they are far away from punk, but hey, if that makes me more edgy, I'll take it. The drums in this band are phenomenal, and every song they do is snappy and lyrically clever. There aren't many bands out there with lyrics as strong as them.

My Top 20 Most Anticipated Movies In The Next 6 Months

2010-10-05T16:22:00.005-04:00

Summer movies are now all but over, and a new season of movies is beginning. As the year closes, more "Oscar-worthy" movies jaunt into theaters to stay fresh in the voters' minds about how awesome their movie is. Then after the year is over, some more artsy and niche movies are released during the down time before the summer movies start again in May. This is probably my favorite time of year for movies, as what is basically 6 months of summer movies (May through September) comes to an end. Now, I like giant action, adventure, big budget movies, they just usually aren't my favorite. The only real exception to this rule is the blockbuster that comes out each summer that is actually a really good movie. This year, it was Inception. Some other of my favorite movies that came out in this period, for example, were Forrest Gump and Saving Private Ryan. But generally, the movies I love come out in this wonderful period, and here are the top 20 movies I am looking forward to and why.

Honorable Mentions: The Company Men, Scream 4, The Mechanic, No Strings, Hop, Gulliver's Travels

20) The Adjustment Bureau

Release Date: 3/4/11

Stars: Matt Damon, Emily Blunt, Daniel Dae Kim, John Slattery

This one is a flyer. It could be a great movie, it could be terrible. Most likely, it'll just be pretty decent. The guy who wrote and directed it wrote one Bourne film (Ultimatum) and one Ocean's film (Ocean's 12). Both were arguably the worst in each series. However, I like Matt Damon, and the plot of a government program enforcing chaos theory is intriguing enough for it to snare the 20 spot.

19) The Next Three Days

Release Date: 11/19/10

Stars: Russell Crowe, Elizabeth Banks, Liam Neeson, Olivia Wilde

It'll be a fast action film with Russell Crowe and Liam Neeson. It'll be fun at least.

18) Rango

Release Date: 3/4/11

Stars: Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher, Timothy Olyphant, Abigail Breslin

I have no grasp on this film, it could be the funniest animated film ever, it could be as boring as Pirates 3. Gore Verbinski is out there, but I don't know if he can make a plot that's coherent.

17) Born to Be a Star

Release Date: TBD 2010

Stars: Nick Swardson, Christina Ricci, Don Johnson, Stephen, Doriff, Pauly Shore

Nick Swardson is one funny son of a bitch. The last movie he wrote that I saw was Benchwarmers, which was at least fun to watch, and with Adam Sandler helping him write it, this could be great. I'm also pro any movie that is about someone who's awkward going into the porn industry.

16) The Green Hornet

Release Date: 1/14/11

Stars: Seth Rogan, Jay Chou, Christoph Waltz, Cameron Diaz

I'm not a fan of superhero movies, yet with Seth Rogan and Christoph Waltz, I can't miss this one. The fact that Rogan co-wrote it too, just puts icing on the cake.

15) Sucker Punch

Release Date: 3/25/11

Stars: Emily Browning, Vanessa Hudgens, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone

I'm probably gonna like any movie that has graphic-novel film tag on it, but this one just seems like a winner. Especially to male audiences.

14) Stone

Release Date:

Stars: Edward Norton, Mila Jovovich, Robert De Niro

Edward Norton in anything gritty is almost a must see for me at this point. Playing off De Niro for the first time since The Score (I think) is just exciting to think about.

13) Love and Other Drugs

Release Date: 11/24/10

Stars: Jake Gyllenhaal, Anne Hathaway, Judy Greer

I have no idea what to think of this movie. Usually I don't like romantic comedies, especially cliche ones like "a free spirit girl refuses to be tied down by the charming man" (this is where everyone screams at me about being a hypocrite for liking (500) Days of Summer). But the writer/director of this movie also made Glory, Last Samurai, Defiance, and Blood Diamond. So, due to me liking the actors involved, I'm going to leave it decently high here, and wait for a review.

12) Due Date

Release Date: 11/5/10

Stars: Robert Downey, Jr., Michelle Monaghan, Zach Galifianakis, Danny McBride

I'll pretty much watch any comedy starring Robert Downey, Jr. at this point.

11) Megamind

Release Date: 11/5/10

Stars: Will Ferrell, Jonah Hill, Brad Pitt, David Cross, Tina Fey

Animated movies by DreamWorks are usually great fun. The great part here is they are tackling a subject I don't usually see: what a super-villain does after conquering his hero. Add Will Ferrell to the mix with a dash of Brad Pitt and sounds like a winner.

10) The Debt

Release Date: 12/29/10

Stars: Helen Mirren, Sam Worthington, Tom Wilkinson, Ciaran Hinds

English Oscar-Thriller for the win!

9) Casino Jack

Release Date: December 2010

Stars: Kevin Spacey, Barry Pepper, Jon Lovitz, Kelly Preston

Kevin Spacey playing a lobbyist. Seems like a lot of good fun, and a nice return for Mr. Spacey in what I would hope to believe is an Oscar-worthy role.

8) Blue Valentine

Release Date: 12/31/10

Stars: Ryan Gosling, Michelle Williams

Screams a grittier (500) Days of Summer. Ryan Gosling is basically the prince of indie films, and Michelle Williams is great at playing the troubled young twenty-something. I probably won't get to watch this until like June, but if it gets popular, maybe it'll get some play at theatre 12 in the cheap theater nearby.

7) Red

Release Date: 10/15/10

Stars: Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, Morgan Freeman, Mary Louise-Parker, John Malkovich

I'm excited.

6) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

Release Date: 11/19/10

Stars: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Helena Bohnam-Carter

I'm torn frankly. The second-quarter of this book was hella-boring , and frankly, I don't see where the clear cut halfway point is. They can't spend 90 minutes fumbling through the woods right? I would assume they climax at Malfoy's house, but I'm not sure. Regardless, the 6th book was one of my least favorite Harry Potter books, and the movie was actually one of my favorites, so I'll keep this pretty high in trust of David Yates to make it fun and interesting.

5) 127 Hours

Release Date: 11/5/10

Stars: James Franco

Since hearing the story of Aron Ralston, I've been expecting a movie to come eventually. The team that appeared, James Franco, Danny Boyle (director of Trainspotting, 28 Days Later..., and Slumdog Millionaire), and Simon Beaufoy (writer of Slumdog Millionaire), is pretty money. While this movie will probably suffer from I Am Legend syndrome, we will get to see if James Franco is a legitimate actor enough to carry a movie. I expect he is.

4) How Do You Know

Release Date: 12/17/10

Stars: Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson, Jack Nicholson

This is probably the iffiest selection on my list. The actors are rock solid. Paul Rudd is getting to the point where I'm interested in everything he's in. Jack Nicholson is almost a must-see in anything now. I saw Bucket List knowing I'd probably hate it just because I couldn't pass on a movie with him and Morgan Freeman. However, there are questions. James L. Brooks wrote and directed it. Now, while he created the Simpsons and Taxi, two very good shows, the last movie he wrote and directed was Spanglish. Though he also did As Good As It Gets. So I don't know. I'm hoping it'll be a great movie, possibly even an Oscar contender in something.

3) The Fighter

Release Date: 12/10/10

Stars: Mark Wahlberg, Christian Bale, Melissa Leo, Amy Adams

Movie Producer: "We need someone to play an Irish boxer from the wrong side of the tracks, any ideas?"

Casting Director: "How much money do we have?"

Movie Producer: "$4 million."

Casting Director: "Mark Wahlberg."

Movie Producer: "What could we get for $1 million?"

Casting Director: "Donnie Wahlberg."

Movie Producer: "What can I get for 500 bucks and a 2001 Honda Civic with 120k miles on it?"

Casting Director: "Robbie Wahlberg and a 1995 Toyota Carolla."

Movie Producer: "How many miles?"

Casting Director: "230k sir."

Movie Producer: "Get me the consumer reports on 1995 Carollas, until then, we'll splurge on Mark Wahlberg."

Is there any way a Wahlberg didn't get this part? I'm just glad it's Marky Mark, he plays underdogs really well, and he's great at playing the big ego.

2) Your Highness

Release Date: 4/8/11

Stars: Danny McBride, James Franco, Zooey Deschanel, Natalie Portman

Sure Danny McBride, write a movie with my two favorite actresses and one of my favorite actors. You earned my $25 dollars (movie ticket and DVD).

1) True Grit

Release Date: 12/25/10

Stars: Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, Hailee Steinfeld, Josh Brolin

The Coen Brothers have consistently made great movies (in my opinion, I know others didn't like them) for the past 20 years. They're adapting a book that was already a film with John Wayne, and that film is considered a classic. With Jeff Bridges playing Wayne's role, we should have quite an adventure on our hands.

The Best Heist Movie Ever

2010-09-20T20:16:00.005-04:00

While I was watching The Town the other day, I got to thinking. We've had great heist movies (Heat, The Sting, Inception, Ocean's Eleven...), but we've never had the mother of all of them. I think we have the core actors right now to get it done. Now don't get me wrong, The Town was an interesting movie, but it was missing some key components. Below, I will list every character necessary in a heist movie, and who should play them in my opinion.

Lead Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio

This sets the tone. I could've gone with Johnny Depp, or even Edward Norton (we'll get to him later), but the best part of the lead in a heist movie is for a troubled man that needs to be intelligent, witty, and hardened. Leo's great at this role, and he showed it in Inception. So he gets my pick.

Best Friend: Cillian Murphy

The role of the friend is to be the guy who gets roped into it that thinks it's a bad idea, but goes with it anyway. Cillian Murphy is great at being both vulnerable and badass at the same time. He doesn't always have to be evil, he basically just has to be a cross of 28 Days Later and Scarecrow. Also, I swear there are people who were not in Inception in this hypothetical plot.

Asshole: Jeremy Renner

Someone needs to say badass lines. When a cop walks in the door and says something clever, there's gotta be a guy that says something like "I'm sorry I forgot my panties in my truck, but I got your wife's if you want those will suffice." Okay, he would never probably use the word "suffice", but Jeremy Renner epitomizes the hardened dick character, as shown in The Town and pretty much everything else he does. Heist movie staple as of now.

Sociopath: Kevin Durand

Those readers who deal with me week to week and have read most of my shit understand that I'm basically just waiting for him to get more famous so I can jump up like a 14-year-old girl whose band got famous, and then get really pissed off when all her friends like the band after she did. He's pretty much just this generations Michael Madsen. If they did a movie like this, he may become a damn Oscar contender.

Techie: Edward Norton

Allow me to explain. You know how the tech specialist in all these movies is usually the least famous out of everyone? Well why not just make him the slimy smart alec? Done and done. You're welcome Edward Norton, you just won an award somewhere.

Mentor: Harvey Keitel

This got changed like 3 times. Al Pacino, Michael Caine, even gave a thought to Tim Roth. But Keitel is the best at just being awesome without really doing anything physical. Perfect dude to deliver advice and one-liners.

Head Cop: Robert Downey, Jr.

Asshole Cop: Mark Wahlberg

I put these two together, cause there's usually like a head cop and a young, reckless cop in movies like this, doing the good cop bad cop routine. It physically pains me that Robert Downey, Jr. and Marky Mark haven't been on the screen together yet in something like this. They would probably steal the movie. Actually, just make a movie from their perspective. Just as good. I don't care. This movie would be quotable forever.

Love Interest: Really, I don't give a shit anymore.

I sat here and I kept changing it. I added side love interest (for the Christina Ricci, Blake Lively, Amber Heard type that is just a huge slut with a gratuitous sex scene), then took it out when no one made perfect sense. I put Anne Hathaway, Charlize Theron, Zooey Deschanel, Natalie Portman, Michelle Monaghan, and Evangeline Lily in this spot, and none made sense. It really doesn't matter. Just has to be an attractive girl who is considered real and not overly hot. Good actress that seems fragile and emotional so that if she's in danger, it feels like a legitimate problem. So really, take the lot, doesn't matter, still gonna be awesome.

Now for the plot, it's pretty simple. Leo leads them to the idea to do one last job so he can get out of the game. Cillian Murphy thinks it's a bad idea. They get the crew together, and try to do the job, but someone flips the board and betrays them. So the police get involved and start breathing down their necks. Leo still needs the money for something, and starts getting involved with his love interest, but his love interest likes Cillian Murphy (or is like his sister or his current girlfriend). Skip the normal bullshit in the middle (happens in every heist movie, build up the relationship drama, cops have an evidence and interview montage, somebodies mom dies, whatever). But, during the job, all the twists come out, including Harvey Keitel betrayed them, Edward Norton is a mole for the cops, Mark Wahlberg and Kevin Durand start going batshit trigger crazy, and Cillian Murphy gets killed by one of the characters (either Durand going berserk killing everyone, Renner killing him thinking he's the mole, Marky Mark catches him with an itchy trigger finger, or Norton killing him to quiet him up). Leo goes apeshit now, tries getting away with Renner as Durand goes into a blind rage and kills Marky Mark before getting gunned down by the other cops. Renner kills Norton, but gets blindsided by Keitel. Then Leo and Keitel have a standoff, where Keitel reveals he killed Leo's father or something since there's probably a good backstory in Keitel and Leo's dad running in a gang in the old days or some bullshit. But that standoff gets interrupted by Downey, Jr., and they all shoot at each other. Keitel dies by Leo's hand for betraying him to the cops, and Downey shoots Leo in chest. And as he's laying wounded, Downey says some great line (something like "I knew your father, he was one tough son of a bitch. I saw him take 3 bullets in the chest, and walk away from it and evade 8 Staties in a 77 El Camino. I think you can deal with 1 bullet, 1 cop, and a 2010 Charger. Fuck, I'll even give you a 30 second head start.") Leo slowly gets up, nods appreciatively, starts running slowly, clutching his chest. Downey, turns, faces the camera, puts on some shades while chewing gum. Looks up into the sky. Turns unholsters his pistol, tilts his head, and fires one bullet as it cuts to black. Fuck you that's a good movie.

How To Be A Hipster Douche

2010-09-16T00:07:00.004-04:00

I would like to start this blog as a disclaimer. I have friends that are rather hipster. Don't think of this as insulting. Think of it as an homage, I'm just being ironic.

Hipster's are invading. I know it's tempting to join them. It's a very simple clan to join. Say you're a nerd, or emo, or punk. You're new to college, moving to a new state, or just want to be spontaneous. You need a new look. But there's some issues. First off, you don't have a lot of money. Hollister and Pac Sun clothes aren't exactly cheap. Emo kids right now are nodding their heads, as they are one step ahead. They've been doing it for like 5 years, unless they're Femo (fake emo, blame urban dictionary not me), then they've been wasting money at Hot Topic and are probably reading Twilight right now talking about how Vampires Suck is the most insulting movie in the entire world (though they sort of have a point there, as it is an insult to spoof movies).

So you want an easy look? You only need 3 qualifications:

1) You need to be a sensie, as Scrubs put it. Only a sensitive guy can pull this off.

2) You need to be confident and arrogant. This is an underrated part. Shy hipsters really don't exist. They can be quiet, but not shy. It's almost as if they give off an aura of constant preoccupation. Like every moment of your life is important.

3) You need to be a topper.

The goal of the hipster life is easy. It's basically a dick swinging content. However, the way to swing your dick in this case is different. Here are 3 sentences that will be like your bible.

1) I was being ironic.

That's number 1. If anyone ever questions your thrift store outfit ("Why are you wearing Capri's?"), your playlists made in your 5 year old iPod ("Why is Rockstar by Nickelback on here?"), or your taste in indie movies ("You don't think Little Miss Sunshine is overrated?"), just say you like it because it's ironic. It'll make other hipsters feel threatened, and they'll have to agree with you to maintain credibility.

2) I liked them a while ago, but I got tired of them.

While stereotypes may portray hipsters saying things like "That's so last week", hipsters can't make that statement sound ironic enough, so they just stick to their own lingo. This is like the ultimate hipster dis; it's a shot at another hipster's cultural credibility.

3) I knew them before they were famous.

This transcends hipsters, but it's still a lethal tool in their arsenal. People still cry out about bands like Jimmy Eat World, Plain White T's, Panic! at the Disco, and 3OH!3 were better before they were famous, or that the fact that they knew them before everyone else did somehow makes them a bigger fan or something. However, while this is annoying to normal people, it is actually an impressive feat for hipsters. Hipster music preferences are basically like a fantasy sports draft, everyone takes bands that are now famous and known for hipsters (like Vampire Weekend, Regina Spektor, and Matt & Kim) and then counting on bands to pan out (I'd name them, but they aren't famous so I don't know them, but they're probably named something like The Kingfish Frillies, BBB and the Second Hand Stores, Willie McGees, and Behold Your Infinite Abyss). If one of those bands pan out, and you've been wearing pins, stickers, and tees of that band for long enough, that band can become "yours". But of course, you can then disown them when they sign a deal for $2 million so they can quit their job at Piggly Wiggly and start having sex with groupies. But you'd never do that, so fuck them.

So with these quips ready, you just need your Mac Book, your old iPod, your large combination of watches, wrist bands, silly bands, and hemp, hacky sacks, wacky sunglasses, bandannas, corduroy pants, Capri's, and general indifference to anything but yourself, you are good to go. Wait for some guy or girl to come up to you at a party while you're nursing a Pabst Blue Ribbon and ask you about how the latest MGMT album was a real deviation from their expressive EP and that you liked them better when they were The Management. You'll be on top of the ironic hipster mountain (or at least large hill) before you know it.

My Top 10 Favorite Web Comics

2010-09-06T20:19:00.005-04:00

Once, when my mom was asking me what I was looking at on my computer, I simply stated "web comics". Understandably, she responded with something to the tune of "oh, they put comics online now?" Now, unlike most parents, my mom is decently adept at the internet, so it wasn't shocking to her when I explained to her that many people's careers are based around writing and drawing comics for a website. Today, I have chosen a few of my personal favorites. I am not saying these are the best comics on the internet, as you will see many big names missing (sorry Mega Tokyo, Questionable Content, and *sigh* CTRL-ALT-DEL). Hope you enjoy the links as well.

10) Camelot Addict

Camelot Addict (now WAR Addict) was a web comic based on my favorite MMORPG, Dark Age of Camelot. This game is now all but defunct, and Mythic, the creator has since created Warhammer Online, and is now a part of Bioware. This was one of those comics where the forums were so small that people like me actually had a place in the creative process, as we conversed with the author on a daily basis. I thought they did a good job.

9) GU Comics

GU was another comic from my MMORPG days. I no longer read it, but I check back through the archive sometimes sometimes for the nostalgia. Plus, it was only one panel, so less reading, which is always a great idea.

8) Garfield Minus Garfield

Probably one of the most genius ideas in online history. Take a sub-par newspaper comic, take out all characters but one, and make it inane. It's scary how many of these hit or miss comics actually hit.

7) Bigger Than Cheeses

The sad news is BTC is ending in March, so it's not really useful to get into right now, however, if you are familiar with the CTRL-ALT-DEL miscarriage comic , BTC did a pretty good job making fun of it.

6) Super Effective

The VG Cats (which will appear soon) creator made this gem of a comic based on the original Pokemon game and TV show. Another good combination of nostalgia and comedy.

5) VG Cats

Another rather solid web comic. Doesn't update often, but it gives a good job of making a comic when one is deemed necessary. Also, he usually plays the same games as me, so it usually is relative.

4) xkcd

Probably the funniest stick figure comic that has ever been made. Intelligent, current, and insightful. You may need to be very interested in engineering and computers to fully enjoy it, but it's still very good quality.

3) Penny Arcade

Penny Arcade is probably the most famous web comic, but with good reason. While not my traditional style, as it sometimes skews to week long projects and areas of gaming I don't really care about. However, when it's on target, it's probably the best quality comic on the tubes. Yet, even though it's great, my taste in web comic humor is a bit more...juvenile.

2) Cyanide and Happiness

Darker than Wesley Snipes on the dark side of the Moon, this comic is never politically correct, nor is it usually lame. Even when making a pun, it usually ends with a better joke. And Depressing Comic Week? Well, it's usually just really sad. Also, bonus to the videos being to quality.

1) Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

SMBC may be completely retarded, but the comedic misdirection and graph/dick jokes are great for a daily raft, and sports one of the greatest random button marathons of all time. Highly recommended to anyone without a conscience.

Emmys 2010 Preview: Shows

2010-08-25T11:10:00.002-04:00

Sorry for taking so long, but I've finally gotten around to the final Emmy post. This one is about my predictions on the shows themselves. Here we go...

Outstanding Comedy Series:

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Glee

Modern Family

Nurse Jackie

The Office

30 Rock

I'm going to be honest, it'd be a damn shame if they just gave the award to 30 Rock again. I figure the two dark horse front runners are Glee and Modern Family. I say dark horse only because I really don't see 30 Rock losing. It's just a solid show all around. But the Emmys has a history of only awarding shows and actors so many times, so you never know.

Outstanding Drama Series:

Breaking Bad

Dexter

The Good Wife

Lost

Mad Men

True Blood

I don't know what's more hilarious, Lost getting nominated for an over-hyped final season, or True Blood getting the guilty pleasure nod. Breaking Bad has to be the juggernaut this year, with Mad Men and an impressive Dexter season close behind. Still, it's hard for me see anyone but Breaking Bad winning.

Outstanding Miniseries:

The Pacific

Return to Cranford

One would expect The Pacific to run away with this, but life has taught me never to bet against Dame Judy Dench.

Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series:

The Colbert Report

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Real Time with Bill Maher

Saturday Night Live

The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien

This one is a little bit of a stumper. My gut says Jon Stewart, but one figures Colbert is a strong contender each year. Also, the Emmys may give Conan an award winning send off. But I'm still going to guess Stewart. Also, Bill Maher still isn't funny.

Outstanding Reality Competition Program:

Amazing Race

American Idol

Dancing with the Stars

Project Runway

Top Chef

Quick, answer these three questions in your head:

How many different winners of this category has there been since it's inception in 2003?

How many times has Survivor won?

How many times has American Idol won?

The correct answer to these questions are 1, 0, and 0 respectively. Amazing Race has won each year. To be fair, Survivor started before 2003, and was out of its prime by 2003. Does anyone still watch Amazing Race? Apparently Emmy voters do. So much for not giving Emmys to the same program over and over.

Outstanding Reality Program:

Antiques Roadshow

Dirty Jobs

Food Revolution

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

MythBusters

Undercover Boss

This category has actually already been decided, but I'll wait to tell you until after my explanation. First off, I find it hilarious that Antiques Roadshow is still getting nominated, especially when a show like Pawn Stars is so much more interesting. Dirty Jobs and MythBusters are both really good programs, and my favorite would be MythBusters after seeing them live in person. Undercover Boss always seemed like a slimy program to me, and I frankly was surprised that last year's winner, Intervention, wasn't nominated again. But surprise surprise, Food Revolution won, a show I said I've always wanted to see, but never have. So it's probably deserved.

The Emmys are Sunday, so I'll probably have a results post sometime within the month. Until then, cheers.

Emmys 2010 Preview: Acting

2010-08-15T09:12:00.004-04:00

So I put this column off long enough, I will now give the preview to the rapidly declining Emmy's.

It has long been a debate with my family and I on what television stars crave more, the Emmy's or the Golden Globes. I always thought the Emmys, since they were made solely to honor television. However, IMDb disagrees. When listing an actor's achievements on their profile, they have a order for the awards that are shown, with the most important award win or nomination listed. This order goes Oscar, Golden Globe, Emmy. For instance, despite winning Emmy's during Everybody Loves Raymond, Ray Ramano only has Golden Globe nominations listed on the main page of his profile. However, the Golden Globes are usually used as a preview for the Oscars, so all the television stuff is an afterthought. But, whatever, enough of my prattling, I'll keep up with my Emmy tradition, still believing it is the superior award.

Today I'll give the acting awards, the next post will be for the shows themselves.

Oustanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series:

Bryan Cranston

Michael C. Hall

Kyle Chandler

Hugh Laurie

Matthew Fox

Jon Hamm

By all accounts, it is Bryan Cranston's world, and we just live in it. The only other contenders I see here are Michael C. Hall coming off a huge season of Dexter, and possibly Jon Hamm finally grabbing some attention for playing possibly the best character on TV at the moment. However, Breaking Bad has finally taken the torch as the best show on TV, and it appears that Cranston's out for a three-peat. Also, if Fox wins, I will douse myself with gasoline. Bobbing one's head and frowning is not acting.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series:

Glenn Close

Connie Britton

Mariska Hargitay

January Jones

Kyra Sedgwick

Juliana Margulies

I literally don't watch any of the shows these actresses are in...so...um...Glenn Close should win...cause I heard Damages was pretty good...I guess.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series:

Aaron Paul

Martin Short

Michael Emerson

Terry O'Quinn

John Slattery

Andre Braugher

After Michael Emerson won last year, I'm not as incensed to get him to win this year. I'd be just as happy seeing Aaron Paul win from Breaking Bad or John Slattery from Mad Men. Though with Terry O'Quinn playing 2 characters, I can see why they would go that route, even though I wasn't hugely impressed. Frankly, if one were to go the Lost route, I'd say nominate Naveen Andrews, Sayid was a very entertaining character this year.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series:

Sharon Glass

Rose Byrne

Christina Hendricks

Elisabeth Moss

Christine Baranski

Archie Panjabi

I'm sort of torn here. I feel Christina Hendricks could win next year, due to the speculation that her character's husband will be killed in Vietnam this season in Mad Men. I've been hearing this is one of those "anybody could win" categories, with Baranski being the slight favorite. I always have a soft spot for Elisabeth Moss due to her appearance in my favorite children's made for TV movie, Escape To Witch Mountain.

Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series:

John Lithgow

everyone else

Moving on...

Outstanding Guest Actress in a Drama Series:

Mary Kay Place

Sissy Spacek

Lily Tomlin

Ann-Magret

Elizabeth Mitchell

Shirley Jones

I really don't know who will win this, but I just thought it was funny that Elizabeth Mitchell got nominated for basically noticing a vending machine was unplugged and making out with Sawyer.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series:

Alec Baldwin

Larry David

Matthew Morrison

Tony Shalhoub

Jim Parsons

Steve Carell

I feel no one really even wants Alec Baldwin to win anymore. Jim Parsons is still my favorite, though you could talk me into Steve Carell and the woefully under-performing The Office. And poor Tony Shalhoub has to sit in the crowd one last time for a show that is long forgotten.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series:

Tina Fey

Lea Michele

Edie Falco

Amy Poehler

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Toni Collette

After Collette's surprising upset last year, the field is wide open. Fey still has to be considered the favorite, but look for someone else to steal the victory again, as Fey's acting is not the highlight of 30 Rock.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series:

Chris Colfer

Neil Patrick Harris

Ty Burrell

Jesse Tyler Ferguson

Eric Stonestreet

Jon Cryer

After a year to think about it, the fact that Jon Cryer won last year upsets me. Two and a Half Men is really a crappy sitcom. This year though, the new breed has arrived, and with it, taken out Rainn Wilson, who despite playing one of the best characters on TV, never received an Emmy. The NPH had a particularly weak year, so I figure one of the 3 nominees from Modern Family will take the cake, with Eric Stonestreet being the front-runner.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series:

Jane Krakowski

Jane Lynch

Julie Bowen

Sofia Vergara

Kristen Wiig

Holland Taylor

This usually weak category got some energy injected into this year, with Jane Lynch head and shoulders about the competition. Kristen Wiig's nomination amazes me to be honest, because, despite the fact that she took over Amy Poehler's spot as the actress in every scene, every character she plays is fucking annoying. Seriously. Come up with one character she plays that's funny. I'll wait. Find anything? No, you didn't. When they said she may be switching over to Weekend Update, I nearly Falco Punched a wall.

Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series:

Will Arnett

Jon Hamm

Neil Patrick Harris

Mike O'Malley

Fred Willard

Eli Wallach

This is one of those rare times when I literally like everyone in this category. Now, while I'll be pulling for the likes of The NPH, Hamm, and O'Malley, I would assume the awesomely old Eli Wallach will get the nod, for getting his 95 year old ass into the show. Frankly, he could've won this award without talking, because as his most famous character says...

(yes, I realize that didn't make sense)

Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series:

Elaine Stritch

Kathryn Joosten

Kristin Chenoweth

Tina Fey

Betty White

Christine Baranski

Jane Lynch

One would assume Betty White will win this for her wonderful appearance on SNL this year. However, one can never underestimate former Emmy winners like Tina Fey, Elaine Stritch, and Kristin Chenoweth, Christine Baranski, and Kathryn Joosten. Not to mention soon-to-be winner Jane Lynch is on the list as well. That being said, Betty White has still won plenty of Emmy's herself, so I'm still guessing her.

Well, that wraps up acting, all the awards for shows will be up soon.

Why (500) Days of Summer is better than Garden State (In My Own Opinion)

2010-08-07T13:15:00.004-04:00

Today I watched (500) Days of Summer for the first time. My friend let me borrow it, as I stated I was interested in it, and I had it sitting in my room for weeks. I kept looking at it, thinking I should watch it, but that it wasn't the right time. Everything I had heard about it made me think I'd like it. Quirky romance drama with comedic elements. Smart writing, realistic, not overly corny. And it had Zooey Deschanel, who, if you recall my list of favorite female celebrities, is an actress with whom I feel a, for the lack of a less-stalkerish sounding word, connection with. Her expression and tone always just seems genuine and ultra-realistic. And her eyes usually speak more than her words do. Okay, I'm way off topic...

I finally popped it in after getting home from driving my parents to the airport and being too awake to go back to sleep. I figured that I could bang it out then. As I put it in, I remember thinking "this has the possibility to be one of my favorite movies, but I feel like it won't be." My main concern was that I'd compare it to Garden State. Garden State is, in the land where I judge movies on a numbered system, my 3rd favorite movie. Or should I say was.

Now, I like my numbering system. I could easily say you can't cross compare genre. It would be fair to say comparing a movie like Garden State to Inception is like trying to judge if you like Andrea Bocelli or Ludacris more. They're not easily comparable, and further more they shouldn't be expected to be comparable. That being said, I know now that of the genre which Wikipedia attempts to describe as Romantic-Drama-Comedy (which feels woefully vague), I know in my own opinion, (500) Days of Summer is my favorite.

Now, Garden State still should get some credit. It's still one of my favorite movies. But all the flaws I pretended weren't a big deal before just got obliterated (or, as Vinny in Jersey Shore says, obliviated) by (500) Days of Summer. Allow me to explain myself:

1) Writing Style

This is one of the biggest differences of the films. Garden State tells a linear story over the course of 3 days. (500) Days of Summer is a non-linear story over the course of 1 year and 4 1/2 months. Garden State is darker, and is more about Zach Braff's character getting over his poor memories, while (500) Days of Summer is more focused on the "relationship" and the dynamic of the awkward stages of love and loss within life.

The key here is in the details, Garden State's subplots are all related to Zach Braff's past, his friends, family, and his town. (500) Days of Summer's subplots are all on a broader spectrum of life and relationships. This makes sense, as Garden State was written by Zach Braff for Zach Braff. It's a character piece. (500) Days of Summer was made vague for everyone to put themselves in. I think it works better that way, more on that later.

2) Music

This is where I'm torn. First off, the bands associated with the film (The Shins for Garden State/The Smiths for (500) Days of Summer) give my favor to Garden State. To be honest, I never gave The Smiths too much of a shot, but only because they just seemed too sad and dreary. The Shins were always a little more upbeat and friendly, but whatever. Past that, the (500) Days of Summer soundtrack sounds a lot less...pretentious. I always felt like Zach Braff purposely picked really obscure bands to make it feel more personal. (500) Days of Summer manages to have a bunch of bands that mesh really well together.

3) Cinematography

The shots in (500) Days of Summer seemed a lot simpler, but therefore more genuine. There is still some symbolism, like the shots at different parts of the movies through doors that are open or closing/closed. Garden State is in-your-face artsy. There is a distinct lack of subtlety, especially with the opening sequence of the dream plane crash. Though I do still like the airport faucet scene. But the differences are palpable. The Expectations/Reality scene and the Wolfmother architecture montage are really really great scenes. And Garden State will always have its cringe-worthy infinite abyss scene.

4) Relatability

(500) Days of Summer was made with a vague protagonist for guys to put themselves in, surely. Because of this, it secures a much better connection with the viewer. Garden State doesn't do this really at all, as Zach Braff's character is very solidly defined as it is a movie about him. One could even argue the love angle is a sub-plot. This makes (500) Days of Summer a much more appealing movie to me.

5) Girl Factor

Oddly enough, I find Garden State is the better movie to watch with girls. (500) Days of Summer would be awkward to watch with them; I honestly believe that it serves it better to watch alone. Garden State also has the immediate affect to it as well, which is what guys want from their girl movies; something that provides an instant connection to relate to the girl you are with. (500) Days of Summer doesn't do this, as it painfully reminds you of the ups and downs of relationships.

6) Realism

Another area where I give the nod to (500) Days of Summer. Garden State portrays love in 3 days, something that I always thought would happen to me, but it is now apparent to me that I take things much more slowly. This is why (500) Days of Summer works so much better for me; it is more realistic to imagine than Garden State. Though it is wholly unrealistic to think that the all the corny coincidences in the film would happen, the characters that are created are amazingly real. Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is just like every average single guy. He puts girls on pedestals and looks for all the quirks. Besides the Expectations/Reality scene, there are many other great realistic scenes and instances. Every interaction with Tom's friends is dead on. Friends never understand another guy's connection to a girl, cause we don't look at that girl the same way. Where one sees a girl to fall in love with, the other could see a notch on the bedpost. Also, Tom's sister's commentary is painfully accurate to someone like me that has gone through (to a much lesser extent) the process Tom must go through to complete his journey.

Allow me another tangent in this already huge post. Girl's like Summer (Zooey Deschanel's character) have always existed. They are damn traps to most guys. And they're everywhere, even if they seem like they're once in a lifetime. I've encountered 2 in my life. Never dated either, though you could say I had my chances. They always say the same thing when you see them after a long stretch (something along the lines of "I miss you, come visit, we have to catch up!"). To the untrained male eye, this means they are interested again. Which they are. In being friends. This always bugged me every time it happened. I just chalked it up to being a guy that was always stuck in "the friend zone." That I was doing something different that was wrong each time. But there was always a common element I couldn't place. Until this movie. Which leads me to...

7) The Message

Garden State's main message is pretty simple, get over the past, and live in the now. (500) Days of Summer is similar but is sent in such a more powerful package. (500) Days of Summer is very different than expected, much like life. There is a line near the beginning, where Tom makes a lame joke about what they called him in high school. Before Summer replied, I remember thinking "oh jeez, that's something I would write in a movie, please tell me this movie isn't going to be predictable." Then Summer's response made me laugh out loud (alone mind you), which let me know it wouldn't be normal.

To get back to the realism, without spoiling the ending, the end was perfect and real (except for one corny element, that was purely a liberty that I enjoyed). It was especially perfect for someone like me, that has thought forever there was something wrong with me when remembering my romantic failures. The ending erased these thoughts and gave me a much positive perspective on life.

However, I am aware at how polarizing this film is. Many believe it to be very overrated, and they have a point. The acting isn't outstanding, but surely it's not a flaw. The story is rather cliche if brought out of context. And, like all films that go realistic, it can come off as pretentious, as its wit can be rather obvious (by which I mean, a lot of the points it makes have been thought of by many people, therefore eliciting a negative reaction due to either jealousy or boredom due to lack of innovation). However, it hit me at the right time in my life, and thus boosted its status.

The best time to watch this film is when your life is stagnant. If you are dating someone, married, recently dumped, or there's any drama going on, it doesn't work. One needs to watch this when they are over the idea of dating anyone, and would only really take a look at someone they were once interested in or someone better than that person or persons. If you catch that time, this movie is perfect. If not, well it's just my opinion.

Top 10 Real "Losers" Of Lost

2010-07-23T22:36:00.002-04:00

Yeah, yeah, I said I'd talk about the Emmy's. I will, eventually. Probably before the end of the summer. In the meantime, I'm still not ready to let go of Lost. A major part of my life is ended. It's like losing a friend, or more accurately, a grandparent. Having already lost all my grandparents, I know the feeling all too well. One knows their death is imminent, but when it actually happens, it's just such an odd feeling that their will be no new memories of them created. That's how I feel about Lost. There's never been a drama I was into as much. For all those characters to just leave my life is like one giant death. Shows like Scrubs were actually easier to leave behind, especially after they kept doing episodes and I stopped watching, it's like they're still going on somewhere. But that's the weird thing about shows, the universe seems to keep existing. So in this light, I would like to explain the 10 biggest losers of Lost. More accurately, those who's life now sucks after the show is ending. The only real criteria for this list is that the character must still be alive by the end of the show, in the sense of the real timeline.

As always: FUCKING SPOILERS

10) James "Sawyer" Ford

Sawyer gets off the island to live what kind of life? He's a convicted felon. He has a daughter that has never met him, whose mother hates his guts. He's already met the love of his life, and she died. Basically, his best days are past him, and everything in the future is tense. And he's only 10.

9) Richard Alpert

I put him at a cautious 9. Truth be told, he could spin his rather long life around and live the rest of his days in a relative state of happiness. But to acclimate to this new world without the love of his life by his side...it seems he'd more likely end up like Brooks in Shawshank Redemption than in Zihuatanejo with Andy.

8) Walt Lloyd

To put it bluntly, his parents are dead, his best friend on the island is dead, and his dog is gone forever. Welcome to the real world.

7) Rachel Carlson

She lost her sister, Juliet, who saved her life, and gave her the ability to have a son. Bit of a stomach punch, that.

6) Ray Mullen

Remember this Aussie farmer? He has one arm, no wife, and still has "a hell of a mortgage." Poor guy, probably didn't get any of that money.

5) Carmen and David Reyes

Their son is just inexplicably gone. He's really all they had. At least they have tons of money, but still, losing their only kid must be tough.

4) Zach and Emma

The two kids who fled the temple and were never seen again. We can only assume they're still on the island somewhere. So basically, their entire lives have been ruined, unless they can get off the damn island.

3) Margo Shephard

Lost her son and husband within like 2 years. Now, she's pretty much alone. Yeah, that's pretty much the worst, except a couple of scenarios.

2) Leonard Simms

Allow me to bring you into his brain for a second...

4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42

1) Ji Yeon Kwon

Are you fucking kidding me! Jin doesn't stay to take care of his kid?! THE KID HE NEVER GOT TO MEET! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! BIGGEST PLOTHOLE OF THE ENTIRE SERIES! Not to mention, the saddest subplot, pretty much ever. Have fun being an orphan.

Why Inception Is Better Than You

2010-07-11T22:34:00.004-04:00

Before I get to my post (skip if you don't care about my background or pictures, that's really all this first paragraph is about): I'm aware that my background is not symmetrical on all browsers (fuck you Internet Explorer), and also copyright infringement. I've decided to either find my digital camera and take an artsy photo of my workspace (while simultaneously attempting to not seem like a hipster douche), or I'll just whip some simple looking black, blue, and green background from Photoshop. Also, for the one reader that asked me why I don't but more pictures in my posts, it's because I don't really know how to place them correctly, and it messed up 2 of the 3 times I tried. Only part-time silver medalist and full-time Bender's heart resident Katherine Reutter was completed correctly. But I tried my hand again today, enjoy.

Last September I made a prediction about Jennifer's Body. We'll never speak of that again.

This July, I'm making a prediction about Inception. It may be one of the greatest movies of all time.

Now, I know little about the movie's plot. I only know Leonardo DiCaprio plays a dream-invading thief that is the at the center of a giant scheme to do some good in the world, via his rare trait of being able to enter people's dreams. Sounds okay, right?

I will now speak to the normal movie viewer. Hey there buddy. How was Toy Story 3? Was it good? Did you cry at the end? Was in better than A-Team? Yeah, that Rampage Jackson isn't Mr. T, is he? Oh, you saw Karate Kid too huh? How was that? Better than the original? I know, you love Jackie Chan. Anyway, I'm here to tell you something. You need to go pay money to see Inception next week. Trust me. You know that Batman movie you love? No, not Batman Forever! The Dark Knight, of course! Okay, the guy that made all that shit happen directed this movie. I know, great right? And it stars that kid from Titanic! You love that guy! Also, they threw in the guy that plays Alfred, The Scarecrow, some dude from Avatar, that girl from Juno and X-Men, the catcher from Major League, and they even tossed in that hunter dude from Lost World: Jurassic Park. Yeah, you're excited right? Okay good. And no, there aren't any vampires or Zac Efrons in it. I'm sorry. At least it isn't another parody movie, or a movie about black people doing stereotypical things directed, written, starred, produced, lit, and key gripped by Tyler Perry. Oh wait, you love those things, sorry.

Now I'll address the internet movie nerd. Hey dude, how's film school? Still trying to get that short on Youtube up to 100k views, huh? Good luck with that. Oh, by the way, you're excited for Inception, right? I know, I know, Nolan's finally doing something as creative as Momento, it's great right? And I agree, to add cult favorite actors like Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Cillian Murphy to the superb cast was a great choice. And Leo has been getting robbed lately at the Oscars, I know, he isn't still the kid from Titanic, I tell people that every day. Okay, well, I think I saw a Coen Brother's movie on IFC you've only seen 33 times, you should probably get on that 34th viewing, bye.

To everyone else: Inception will be a brilliant film, I'm confident. It may not be the kind of film that wins Oscars, but it will damn sure be entertaining. And if you still hate Leo DiCaprio, now might be the time to jump off the wagon. It's almost empty.

Emmy thoughts later this week...

(Image Courtesy of IGN.com)

Great Sporting Events For That "Wow" Moment

2010-07-01T21:45:00.002-04:00

Not all sports were created equal. While some sports were created for the crowd that likes to sit back and enjoy a beer, some were created to spill that beer when fans jump up in excitement. There are only so many sporting events where everything is so big, and moments are so magical that you get that "Wow" feeling. If you've ever felt it, you know what I mean. And if you were watching live, you should've felt it in the US/Algeria game. Without further ado, and in no order, I present 5 sporting events that give me that very feeling.

1) FIFA World Cup

Obvious recent events have inspired this list, but I have had the "Wow" feeling in every World Cup I watched live. I remember the USA beating Portugal in 2002, watching before I went to Jr. High for one of the last days of school, McBride's diving header being one of the most surreal experiences. In 2006, I remember getting up early in a San Francisco hotel room to watch Ghana/USA (Part 1), where I woke up my parents after Dempsey's goal. And now, I can add to it the torment of the Slovenia match, and watching the Algeria game in the Admissions Building of my college with all the admissions staff gathered around the big plasma TV over a century old fireplace. Magic always happens in this tournament.

Example: The Donovan Goal

2) Summer X-Games Skate Big Air

When this concept was first introduced, I knew it was going to be great. It did not disappoint. Since, I have been a yearly viewer, and it has only gotten better. I highly suggest everyone that has ever been interested in Skateboarding check it out.

Example: 2008 (Jake Brown's comeback after his 40 ft. fall, and Danny Way breaking his foot one the first run and doing every run after than and still getting Silver).

3) Playoff Hockey

It is the most nerve-racking experience in sports. But dammit if it isn't the most exciting.

Example: Savard's comeback OT goal.

4) Buzzer Beater in March Madness

March Madness in general is great, but everyone knows the buzzer beaters are the greatest moment. If Butler's shot this year banked in for the win this year, it would've been the shot of the century, by far. There's just so much at stake with the single-elimination games, anything can happen.

Example: Murray State's upset winner (which I predicted, and caused a victory lap around my dorm)

5) Kentucky Derby

I know it sounds weird, but seriously. If a person has a lot of money down on a horse, that final stretch, if your horse is in it, that's a magic moment. It's like a runaway train, it starts slow, than it builds to a giant explosion of emotion. Not that I've ever bet on sports though...

Example: Anyone really, especially if they're close.

The Most Generic Pop Punk Song Ever

2010-06-25T22:53:00.007-04:00

As some of the more loyal readers may remember, I had a bit of a go at the Pop Punk genre last December. Now, don't be fooled. I love a lot of Pop Punk bands. I am still a teenager at heart, and like to let out my inner angst on occasion (yes, I realize how queer that sounded). The likes of Goldfinger, Student Rick, blink-182, Green Day, Sum 41, and Taking Back Sunday will always have a place in my heart. That being said, the crap that comes out now in this genre is getting appalling. Look, I understand. If I could be the drummer for a crap Pop Punk band that got famous, I would in a heartbeat. But that doesn't mean I can't make fun of them. And with that comes the most generic song in Pop Punk history:

The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls

Let's break down the song and the video, shall we?

So the intro is a bit boring, a bunch of decently attractive yet girl-next-door-esque girls doing mindless tasks while a helplessly generic looking band plays at a small venue. Now, these are the venues these bands play, so this isn't a stretch, but still, not really original either. Okay first lyric: "Paper bags and plastic hearts / All our belongings in shopping carts"

Okay, so not that strong. It's kinda ambiguous, like a vague deepness into the teenage girl's soul. The video is just a the band and some chicks hanging out. Is anything interesting gonna happen?

"Let's get drunk and drive around / And make peace with an empty town"

Um...so you condone drunk driving? So basically, you are appealing to cool kids who drink in suburban America that want to get away from their boring lives for one day? Okay, that's, um, generic.

"We can make it right..."

I'm assuming you did this because you have some clever device for the chorus right? Where you go to the Peace Core and do good? Or maybe it's all a metaphor for going to war, and that kid's with no reason to stay home are pressured by society to go into the service? Is that it? You seem to be building to something...

"Throw it away

Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We wont hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight"

All right. So I'll ignore you're hopelessly unoriginal chorus chord to concentrate on your lyrics. So you're saying that together, we can achieve this sort of preppy nirvana where those who follow you throw away their stupid normal society bullshit lives to follow your quasi hippie lifestyle? And your reasoning is that society doesn't know how you feel? Listen Simple Plan wannabes. Everyone went through bullshit in high school. And Jr. High. And pretty much everywhere in life. Society understands plenty. This teenage arrogance where everyone thinks that no one understands them is ridiculous. Why do you think there is mass produced media on MTV that proclaim those same problems? Okay, I'll step down from my soap box. Maybe there's something to salvage in the second verse...

(Quickly, bonus points to those that stop the video at :40. Their guitarist looks like that same punk shy kid that no one really talked to, but always seemed awkward for some weird fashion item, in his case, a striped headband. Wait, are my opinions the same as those of the corporate society that is keeping these rebellious tweens down? Oh wait, no, they just want money like everyone else.)

"Tonight will change our lives
It's so good to be by your side
We'll cry
We won't give up the fight
We'll scream loud at the top of our lungs
And they'll think its just cause were young
And we'll feel so alive"

What sticks out to me most in the video is just how ridiculously unnatural the setting seems. I'm suppose to believe these kids are all high school students right? Or at least still of late teens early twenties? How long can they last out on the road and partying? Maybe its a commune. Will they become the next Manson Family? Maybe I'm looking too much into this...

Anyway, the lyrics are getting sad. Look at those last lyrics. If you take this out of the concept of a song, and toss it to some random douchey rich high school bro who's hitting on your girlfriend, isn't this the most unlikeable kid ever? It's just like he's trying to seduce young girls...

"All of the wasted time
The hours that were left behind me
The answers that we'll never find
They don't mean a thing tonight"

This is the final verse before they just repeat the chorus 3 more times. But here's the best part. The girls ditch their lives to hang with the band. Therein lies the greatest message to teen girls ever:

This entire song is an attempt to get the band groupies.

Watch the video again. Look at the lyrics. They even throw in the verse that's sung softer and deeper, because it totally means something. Now pretend you are a moderately popular pop punk band. You were a little awkward in high school, and you're just getting the hang of girls. Now, you're in a famous band, so they like you, but you can't convince them to follow you around, since you aren't mega-famous. Just write a song that becomes an anthem for living in the moment and throwing your life away to have fun. Now, the video has the girls meeting some random dudes, but that's just a facade. They can't have the girls meeting falling in love with the band, then they'd seem taken. No, this allows for girls to flock to them looking for love. And who's at the top of the mountain? The band. And let's face it, no guys are going to these shows anyway, unless they're dating someone who wanted to go and stand helplessly clingy next to their girlfriend. I'm not sure to be mad or proud of Boys Like Girls for their efforts. But all I know is, this song is so generic, it's making my eyes bleed. And what's more generic than popular kids banging naive girls that are trying to change them, and don't realize they are being used? Well played, Boys Like Girls.

Top 10 Favorite Exotic Pet Ideas

2010-06-14T21:50:00.006-04:00

Reading this title, there are a few different ideas for this list you may be thinking:

1) Weirdest pets people have (hissing cockroaches)

2) Fantasy pets that haven't been domesticated (whales)

3) Coolest pets that are actually pets (this list)

I've thought long and hard about this list (in this case, long = roughly 12 seconds and hard = on the fly), and decided it must be done. So ordered.

Worth a Mention: Giant Pillbugs

I simply cannot endorse these as pets, as they're terrifying. However, it's nice to see something on this Earth enjoys Doritos.

10) Cuttlefish

Cuttlefish are often observed in Ocean documentaries and IMAX films. They're odd breeding habits (which include adultery literally right under the husband's nose), merciless hunting methods, and overall indifferent appearance give them a distinct appeal. To give you a good sense of where I stand on Cuttlefish, I find great enjoyment in impersonating Alan Rickman's voice while watching them slowly hover across the ocean in IMAX movies.

9) Anteater

I tried to find Echidna for this list, as I was always a fan of the Anteater/Hedgehog hybrid and it's penguin-esque walking style. However, I couldn't find conclusive evidence that they were used as pets (though I'm sure they are in Australia). Also, can we go on record saying Australia and Oceania have the best animals in the world? Maybe it's just underexposure, but everything that comes out of Australia seems to kick ass. Anyway, as a man who has seen an Anteater, I can assure you, having one of these things randomly tank through your living room would be most entertaining. Plus, you can call him Anty.

8) Tapir

"Yeah, I woke up one day and was like, 'You know what I need? The world's ugliest, useless pet.'"

7) Walking Sticks

The fact that people can find these things amaze me. I still remember the episode of Kratts' Creatures where they found one of these and I called bullshit. Though these things get huge, the little ones would be awesome, since they reproduce asexually and, according to Wikipedia, are pretty down with living alone.

6) Barn Owl

This comes with two clauses:

1) It will perch on my shoulder.

2) It will always look pissed off.

The only thing the Barn Owl has over the Eagle Owl is that the Barn Owl has a look of more arrogant indifference than the Eagle Owl's psychotic glare. The Eagle Owl is kinda in a permanent state of the Stewie Look.

Side Note: The chances of me naming a pet "Alan Rickman" in the next 10 years is off the charts.

5) Weasel

A weasel is like an evil ferret. Think about it, they're practically the same animal. But if one person owns a weasel and another owns a ferret, who are you more likely to trust? I like the weasel here because it's a nice change of pace, and I like the thought that I could play pranks with him.

4) Fennec Fox

Though I have the closest thing to a Fennec Fox in my house already (a "CoJack" with ears bigger than any dog on that page), the thought of owning a mini fox is just too good to pass up. Bonus points if someone owns both a Weasel and a Fennec Fox.

3) Nautilus (link contains audible profanity)

I have never hidden my love for the Nautilus, and it's unique nature of movement (jet propulsion from its mouth, making it only able to move backwards). This only gets 3 because it can't really be played with and it's rather boring unless one is inebriated in some way. However, it gets to the 3rd spot because it's still freakin' cool.

2) Skunk

I did a double-take when I saw this. A pet skunk? Surely not... But if you think about it, it's a really fresh idea. For one, the sack that causes it to spray that oh-so-putrid smell is removed, via a simple (yet expensive) procedure. You are then left with an animal that waddles to walk, is pleasantly fluffy, and is overall, just a unique pet to have. The major downside is you basically become a social pariah. There is no way you are leading a girl back to your house with a skunk ready for you at the door. The plus side is you are the only person you know with the coolest pet possible. If I could make this happen for 200 bucks and get it trained and my parents cool with it, I'm about 80% sure I'd do it. Unfortunately, it costs more than that, my parents are definitely not cool with it, and it's also illegal in most states (including mine).

1) Turtle/Tortoise

This idea was introduced to me when someone came to my elementary school to talk about pets and showed us a box turtle he had owned for 20 years. Looking at that turtle and knowing that it was twice the age of me was unbelievable. I figured, if I was gonna have a pet when I was older, I'd want a turtle or tortoise of some kind. Most of my pets I regret owning due to my indifference towards them (my hermit crabs, my guinea pig, even my previous dog Howie I never really have as much attention to as I should've). They deserved more than I gave them. But I also don't like the fact that they all seem to die relatively quickly compared to our lives. This is usually considered just a part of being a pet owner, but I don't think it has to be. Now, I don't really want the turtle to outlive me. But the idea of having a pet for life is very enticing. I look at my dog right now. And while he's young and chipper as of now, I know that if I have kids within the next 10 years, they and I will experience the sadness of his inevitable death. While it's still a long time for a pet, it would be a great change of pace to sit there at age 50, look at my little pal of 30 years and think, "wow, we've been through a lot together." Sure, you get that from a spouse. But having a pet like that is a bonus that no other pet can really do.

A Retrospective of EGM's Top 50 Coolest New Games (23-1)

2010-06-10T20:37:00.005-04:00

Welcome back. I should note, as I should've on the last post, that EGM was a console magazine. There were no PC games in it. This is why games like Portal, Crysis, and Team Fortress 2 weren't included in 2006. Sorry, but it's just the way it is.

23) Heavy Rain

IGN: 9.0

One of the funniest part of this article is the release dates. Obviously, the game industry has a knack for putting out an optimistic release date, and inevitable pushing it back. This says Heavy Rain was to be released in Fall 2008. It was recently released in February of 2010. While I understand the idea of it, I find it odd how far off a lot of these games were. The most notable I will discuss later, when it comes up. Obviously though, Heavy Rain was worth the wait. It is indeed near the top for PS3 game of the year at the moment, and will probably be nominated for game of the year unless a couple of holiday titles knock it off.

22) Eight Days

IGN: Cancelled

21) The Club

IGN: 6.9

20) Frontlines: Fuel of War

IGN: 7.6

I find it odd in this article that they sort of predicted which games would be good by their devotion to space given to each game. These last three games got a very small peace of the page, while Heavy Rain is most prominently featured. Dead Rising got its own page. Uncharted got its own spread. And skimming through the pages ahead, no game that was great got cheaped out of space. It's almost like they knew the filler games they were throwing in between were shit, or nothing special.

19) Bully

IGN: 8.9

I really enjoyed Bully. I found the narrative very strong, and the world very immersive, and the music was spot on. There are few games where the music is so great that it literally moves it up to another level. Usually it's sound that does it (like in Bioshock), or voice acting (Mass Effect). But Bully is among a few certain titles where the score adds to the experience. By far the best example of this is the original Call of Duty (yes, that's 3 links, click them all). Now, here's my favorite one, the Pegasus Bridge theme. It is done while fighting off waves of Nazis and it is such a strong score that it just heightens emotion. Now you may be saying, "Hey, that music sounds familiar..." Well to most of you, it should. Michael Giacchino did the music for both. Quite stunning.

18) John Woo Presents: Stranglehold

IGN: 8.1

This was suppose to be one of those games that was more like a movie, during the whole wave of ideas like that. Since then, only very few games feel like narratives more than games. Heavy Rain and Mass Effect are really the only ones that come to mind, since everything that is done is basically story driven. However, Stranglehold comes up a bit short, cause stuff like destructible environments didn't do so hot in 2006.

17) Alan Wake

IGN: 9.0

Alan wake was slated to be released in 2007. It was released in May of 2010. Now I have not played it, but the article basically plays it off like its got a story that blows your mind. I haven't really heard that. No games story really blew my mind much. The only really good twist in a game I played was Bioshock, and it wasn't like a mind blowing twist, it was just a cool moment. Mass Effect delivered the best "how the hell are we gonna do this" moment (which is to say, the moment in the game when the gamer finally realizes his final goal). Games continue to wow me with their innovation in story (most recently Red Dead Redemption's ending), but I don't know if we lined up behind the right guy to wait 3 years for Alan Wake's mindfuck story line.

16) Lair

IGN: 4.9

Oh, Lair. This game almost single-handedly killed the PS3 (okay, a bit of an overstatement). It made a mockery of the Sixaxis controller, and dragons too. A victim of the hype machine if ever there was one.

15) Lost Planet: Extreme Condition

IGN: 8.5

14) Brooktown High: Senior Year

IGN: 5.2

13) Singstar

IGN: 8.5

12) Elite Beat Agents

IGN: 9.5

They grouped these together quite intelligently. All these games had the potential to be huge games, but fell short in some way. Lost Planet was over shadowed by other shooters, Brooktown High (during that surge of dating games on handhelds, this was suppose to be the best written) never found its audience (as the whole genre failed, despite the hype), Singstar was beaten out by Rock Band with the main crowds, and Elite Beat Agents just wasn't well marketed. It's an odd combo since the next game kinda out sold them by a bit...

11) Wii Sports

IGN: 7.5

The Wii's bundled game sold a record number of copies while providing simple gaming pleasures such as not having to use a controller. The fact that this worked so well was a shock to me when I played it, which is why I have high hopes for Project Natal (or whatever they end up calling it) with its gimmicky fully body controls.

10) Saints Row

IGN: 8.5

I much prefer GTA IV, but I understand that online gang fights were a big deal in 2006.

9) Heavenly Sword

IGN: 7.0

EGM, what were you thinking? They even called it "Goddess of War" in the article. I guess they thought it would be just as good. I always knew it'd just be a cheap rip-off. And that's basically what it ended up being ,with its mind-numbing repetitive combat.

8) LocoRoco

IGN: 9.0

I don't have a PSP, so I never played LocoRoco. But I've heard it was a great innovative time, kinda like World of Goo is now.

7) Assassin's Creed

IGN: 7.5

I remember seeing this and thinking it was like an awesome version of Thief. Four years later? Never played it. Fiddled around with it, yes. Never really caught my eye enough. Maybe in the future, when it's in a bargain bin for 10 bucks, I'll give it a shot. Most likely I'll just reach for the far superior sequel.

6) Bioshock

IGN: 9.7

The only game that EGM would give a 10 to on this list, Bioshock is certainly deserving of its praise. It was among the first games I bought when I got my 360 in 2007, and I never regretted a second. It has probably the best sound in any game, and was my 2007 Game of the Year for quite a while, before I finally decided I liked Mass Effect more after 5 play-throughs.

5) Resistance: Fall of Man

IGN: 9.1

I found this selection odd. I mean, everyone knew Resistance was going to be a good game, but it wasn't really super-innovative. Sure, messing with history is fun, but if you're going that route, wouldn't games like Darkest of Days get that spot (if it were in development at the time)? I know it was shit, I'm just saying...

4) Okami

IGN: 9.1

A brilliant idea and stylish graphics made this title a cult classic. Rightfully placed after 4 years.

3) Mass Effect

IGN: 9.4

EGM's boasting about the dialog system made me feel skeptical. No way it can have more than 2 options with voice-over, too much money to sink into voice acting. Well, they delivered. It's strange, I don't remember this game from my original read of this article. The games I remember really sticking out were Bully, Heavy Rain, Assassins Creed, what was to become Uncharted, and the games that were 2 and 1 (neither of which I ended up playing). Even Bioshock and Resistance, I was almost afraid of. I still wasn't really into scary games yet. F.E.A.R. scared the shit out of me when I played the Demo. AvP2 was too much. So I was looking at Bioshock's description about little girls harvesting humans and thinking "no thanks." How I missed Mass Effect is really odd. When I first looked at this list again around 2008, I remember seeing Mass Effect and wondering how I didn't remember it, cause I could remember all these other games from the list as they came out. The last one to do that, Heavy Rain, still caused a jerk of my head when I heard that it had been released. But whatever, Mass Effect is now among my favorite games of all time, and justifiably so.

2) Gears of War

IGN: 9.4

I always thought it'd be funny if one of these games got cancelled or really sucked. I remember thinking it might be Gears of War. It looked too much like games like Killzone that were trying to be Halo, but weren't. Obviously, Gears of War lived up to the hype (and its promise for tremendous graphics for a console), and continues to be a dominating game series.

1) Army of Two

IGN: 7.9

I remember seeing this game behind the desk of a Gamestop in 2008. "EGM listed it as the coolest new game in 2006" I said. "Really?" asked the kid that is in every Gamestop who's both too arrogant and knowledgeable about games to be a people person (everyone that has been in one is nodding their head). "It hasn't had much hype." I remember being stymied. This was suppose to be THE coolest game. Sure, Halo and Call of Duty were more popular. But surely, this game was badass. I must've just missed all the press releases. But something was fishy. I'm a game nerd. I don't miss big game news. Sure enough, the game was mediocre. It was this game, not Gears of War, not Mass Effect, or not anything else in the top 10 (besides Goddess of War), that was a disappointed. The co-op was not revolutionary. The graphics weren't superb. Overall, it's just hard to find another person to play a game with like that. To build an entire game around co-op was a decent idea, but ultimately didn't pan out.

Games have developed a lot over the years, but we will always misjudge things. Right now, I think games like L.A. Noire and Agent will be great. But you never know, they could end up like Backbreaker. Here's to you, future, I hope it's a bright one.

A Retrospective of EGM's Top 50 Coolest New Games (50-24)

2010-06-07T18:09:00.008-04:00

You may remember a couple months back when I listed my most anticipated upcoming games. I'm already seeing differences as Backbreaker was woefully underwhelming. Now, E3 is coming up, and I may change my tune on some games, and add different ones. As of now, my ideals have not changed, though I may add Infamous 2 if I get a PS3 and play Infamous and enjoy it.

But this realization sparked my interest in an old issue of my favorite magazine ever, Electronic Gaming Monthly (EGM). EGM is now kinda gone, maybe relaunching, something like that. Regardless, it was better than stupid GameInformer giving everybody 10s on everything. I now visit IGN for my gaming news and reviews, but I have not destoyed all my old EGMs. One of these old EGMs lists the Top 50 Coolest New Games. Released during their August 2006 issue, this list boasted all the hot new titles, no sequels or licensed games, just games they thought were good ideas and would be future big name games. Some were right on the money...others were hilariously not. I will post each one, as well as the review score from IGN, as well as my own comments. Just to give you an idea of where gaming was at the time, the next generation of consoles was just starting (with the 360's release), Mass Effect was the next issues cover, and the next issue had reviews of Okami and Dead Rising, as well as previews for NBA Street 4, Ultimate Alliance, and Forza 2. And the issues' game of the month was LOTR: The Battle for Middle-Earth II. Yikes.

50) DS Air

It never got released according to IGN, at least not in the US. We're off to a bad start.

49) Cipher Complex

All right, this game wasn't made either (cancelled by SEGA). I promise, there are games that were released here.

48) Blue Dragon

IGN: 7.9

Solid outing for the 48 spot. IGN's Erik Brudvig (now the chief 360 editor) basically sums it up as a run of the mill JRPG.

47) Elebits

IGN: 8.3

It got by on gameplay, not really graphically stunning though. Par for the course for the Wii I'd say.

46) Crackdown

IGN: 8.0

A quirky shooter that found its fan base. I get the feeling that EGM stretched it to 50, because they couldn't have assumed any of these games were going to be amazing. It seems like they had a solid 40, and stretched it a bit.

45) Contact

IGN: 7.5

44) Fatal Inertia

IGN: 6.0

43) Rule of Rose

IGN: 4.9

42) Rogue Galaxy

IGN: 8.7

Most of these games have been forgotten, so I'm going to continue on...

(If you're wondering why Rogue Galaxy was rated so high, think Kingdom Hearts, only better real-time gameplay, but the story is a standard JRPG rather than Disney/Final Fantasy)

41) Dead Rising

IGN: 8.3

Now we're getting somewhere. While not the best game, Dead Rising was one of the more popular Zombie games, especially before Left 4 Dead came out. Underrated at 41 (comparatively to others on the list), and the sequel is right around the corner.

40) Bladestrom: The Hundred Years' War

IGN: 6.5

39) Hotel Dusk: Room 215

IGN: 7.9

38) Overlord

IGN: 6.6

37) Dark Sector

IGN: 7.7

More games that gained some buzz, then fizzled out. Moving on...

36) Yakuza

IGN: 8.2

A well received game that gathered a cult following, and made a nice little series of games on the Playstations.

35) Ninety-Nine Nights

IGN: 5.6

Took on the challenge of making Dynasty Warriors more repetitive and succeeded.

34) Hot PXL

IGN: 4.9

A poor man's Wario Ware.

33) God Hand

IGN: 3.0

God Hand's review may be misleading, since (now-former) IGN Playstation Editor Chris Roper was lambasted for his poor review. He complained that the combat was too repetitive for any re-playability, and that the camera was a deal breaker. Some reviews have been favorable, and it's sort of an early, less over the top Madworld.

32) Disaster Day of Crisis

IGN: 8.0 (Not released in USA)

31) Every Extend Extra

IGN: 8.1

30) Lunar Knights

IGN: 8.2

29) Project H.A.M.M.E.R.

On Hold/Cancelled

This group of hanhelds and obscure Wii titles isn't really exciting. I am glad they group the ones I don't care much about together.

28) Just Cause

IGN: 6.8

Just Cause suffered from the ill advisement to release a visual and open-ended, FarCry-esque game as a 360 port from the Xbox and PS2. Like most games in the era, it suffered from trying to play both sides. The much stronger Just Cause 2 was released earlier this year, and received an 8.8 from IGN.

27) The Eye of Judgement

IGN: 8.0

An interesting idea where the EyeToy reads cards and animates them, a la Yu-Gi-Oh! Still, it's just a card game...

26) (Unnamed Naughty Dog Project)

I remember looking at this weird game. It looked so far from completion (it wasn't even titled!) and had no release date. It really just looked like a Tomb Raider rip-off. And from the Crash Bandicoot and Jak and Daxter guys? Didn't make sense. However, it would be released in a year and become...

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune

IGN: 9.1

It eventually got really hyped up, and became one of the top notch platform/adventure games ever. It's sequel, Uncharted 2, really became the poster game for the PS3, and won Game of the Year honors from IGN in 2009.

25) Timeshift

IGN: 7.6

24) Huxley

Release TBD

Games like these had great ideas, but the execution didn't live up to the hype, Timeshift was suppose to be like Prince of Persia with bullets. Huxley, like Final Fantasy XI Online with bullets. Neither really panned out (with bullets).

I'll finish with the rest tomorrow, or sometime this week.

Until next time, when we start off with Heavy Rain at the 23 spot!

Top 15 Lonely Island Shorts

2010-06-05T23:18:00.008-04:00

The Lonely Island shorts have really become the highlight of this generation of Saturday Night Live. Currently, SNL has a pretty decent cast list, but suffers from either bad writing or a bad case of the "we keep giving Kristen Wiig really annoying characters and we can't stop it"-ies. While Wiig can still be funny, she needs better characters, which was the same problem I had with Molly Shannon. But the guys seem to all be a nice solid bunch. But the new standout is Andy Samberg, not due to his sketch comedy, but his shorts done by he and his crew (Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer) that air on SNL. A lot of these have become viral, and since I like (most of) them so much, I decided to list the my own top 15.

Also, with all due respect to Mother Lovers, Great Day, and Laser Cats, I wasn't a fan. Mother Lovers just wasn't as funny as Dick in a Box, and it was basically the same idea. I didn't find Great Day all that funny, the ending was decent (which is surprising, more on that later), but not spectacular. And Laser Cats, well, it had its time, but these shorts have since improved.

15) Boombox

This one is one of those that's just kinda a good song. Julian Casablancas does a good job with the chorus, and it's a rather funny ending.

Highlight: Casablancas' final verse.

14) Tizzle Wizzle Show

This one is made by James Franco's over-enthusiasm and slow realization of the events that confront him. It's scary because I can see this being a kids show.

Highlight: "Don't spit them out because we'll know!"

13) Ras Trent

A very good parody of the growing coalition of white college-aged Rastafarians.

Highlight: Walking past the real Rastas and getting quiet.

12) Flags of the World

A very clever bit that I find underrated. Lots of clever rhymes and ideas.

Highlight: Neo-nazi Potsi flag.

11) The Mirror

A silly bit that is well shot. It's actually briefly unsettling. It's on here more for its clever idea than being funny, but I still find it one of the better ones.

Highlight: The final scene.

10) Like A Boss

One of the better parodies. Very similar to MC Lars' Generic Crunk Rap, its a hilarious song and has a lot of great moments while it spirals out of control towards the end.

Highlight: "Suck my own dick!"

9) Party Guys

Another clever bit with play on words. The quick pace provides a lot of laughs, which causes the hilarity to stack. I especially like the ending, with the well placed last line.

Highlight: "Check out this asshole."

8) Business Meeting With Rainn Wilson

Similar to Party Guys, only a funnier. I'll let it speak for itself.

Highlight: "This is no time for joking gigantic turkey sub!"

7) People Getting Punched Right Before Eating

A simple idea, like Kicked in the Nuts, it combines violence with a catchy beat. The ending pretty much sucks, but that's kinda par for the course with most of these sketches, the humor is in the journey.

Highlight: While I enjoy the key members of Foo Fighters getting punched in the face to make up for my Rock Band drum woes, I'll go with him waiting to punch the guy on the phone.

6) Natalie Rap

No words...

Highlight: Everything.

5) Dick In A Box (For some reason, the censored version got flagged, so you need to sign in to watch it)

While it is in the classic 4 of these shorts, I left it out, mostly because I find On The Ground funnier, but the concept is great. Single-handedly saved Justin Timberlake's image in the eyes of nerds.

Highlight: The 3 step process.

4) On The Ground

Another simple concept. It just takes a funny idea and a synth to make these things fantastic. The ending sucks, but at least they got some decent celebrities.

Highlight: "Happy Birthday to the ground!"

3) I’m On A Boat

I remember listening to my roommate listen to this freshman year, and I was just dying without seeing the video. Another great parody that is just done absolutely perfectly.

Highlight: T-Pain's verse.

2) Jizz In My Pants

The only bad part about this song is it gets stuck in your head to the degree that you may say it out loud in public place. Not that I'd know anything about that...

Highlight: The Sixth Sense line.

1) Lazy Sunday

The original and the best. Clever and brilliant.

Highlight: SNACK ATTACK MOTHA FUCKA!

All right, I'm gonna go find more than 2 adjectives to use so I can be more clever and brilliant.

Top 20 Lost Characters Updated

2010-06-03T18:04:00.004-04:00

Lost has concluded, and with the exception of "Across the Sea" it was a relatively solid season, and a great finale. Now, I have decided to list my updated list of who moved up and who went down. Mind you, I am sort of biased towards the current seasons since the first two happened so long ago, so characters like Lapidus get a crack at the list, and characters like Rousseau fall off since they leave. But, I'll leave it to the list to do my talking...

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE SERIES

Honorable Mentions (and reason for being off the list): Danielle Rousseau (lack of air time), Martin Keamy (funny, well acted, but not enough screen time), Shannon (annoying yes, but worth a mention), Claire (makes a nice run in this last season, but overall, underwhelming)

(Last rank in parenthesis next to name)

20) Frank Lapidus (unranked)

Lapidus beats out Rousseau since he managed to provide a nice little boost of comedy when Hurley and Miles weren't around. He also serves as a nice plot device, as a way for them to get off the island. I didn't know how much I liked him as a character until they brought him back in dramatic fashion.

19) Richard Alpert (19)

He stands firm at the 19 spot since his backstory was touching, but not revolutionary. The end to his character arc was nice, and his transition from a mystery to a real person with flaws and emotions was a nice touch.

18) Mr. Eko (17)

It saddens me that he dropped off so much since they obviously had a large plan for his character. Overall, they couldn't deliver everything they wanted so he drops to number 18.

17) The Man in Black (20)

He was primed for a move up until "Across the Sea" and "What They Died For" basically made him and Jacob look like a couple of lame-o's. While he was a great symbol on the people on the island (the ultimate loner trying desperately to find salvation), his substance as a villain was never palpable enough to be truly afraid of him. But for his time throughout the series, he gets a respectable 17.

16) Boone Carlyle (13)

Okay, it was laughably dumb for me to rank him so high on potential. His appearance in the finale wasn't that memorable, and his banter at the beginning of the season wasn't revolutionary either. He gets kicked down to a much more acceptable 16.

15) Kate Austen (16)

I find it odd that so many people like Kate so much. Obviously it is due to the attractive nature of Evangeline Lily. She gives off a damaged goods vibe that makes her achievable for men, but I honestly didn't really get the memo. However, I am very appreciative of them making her more important to Claire and Aaron than to Jack or Sawyer. I also like that her connection with Jack wasn't really remarkable in the "purgatory" universe since it wasn't really like that in the main storyline. But still, she's not that strong of a character.

14) Sun (15)

13) Jin (14)

Once again, a poor season for the couple that dropped them from interesting supporting characters to unnecessary distractions. Their death was touching, but marred with flaws. The fact that there was not one mention of their newborn child during their death sequence is forever a stain on the series. Overall, their first 3 seasons keep them strong, and their reunion was touching, but they just didn't knock it out of the park.

12) Charlie Pace (11)

Charlie's no-care attitude brought about a nice chain of events, and a fitting end to the character. But overall, his story was told, and other characters passed him by.

11) Miles Straume (10)

10) Michael Dawson (9)

9) Juliet Burke (8)

All of these characters had some nice moments in Season 6, but none to move up their rankings. Though I concur with a lot of the critics saying I would watch a buddy cop show with Miles and Sawyer.

8) Sayid Jarrah (6)

Season 6 may have been the best acted for Naveen Andrews, however, he was jumped by a couple of strong character arcs from other characters. His death was fitting (if not a little non-PC, having an Arab blow himself up), but his afterlife reunion with Shannon was a bit...suspect.

7) Jack Shepard (12)

While Lost is not considered a Christian show, I found making Jack Shepard's candidacy number 23 a bit much. They had to have realized the implications. Sure Jack is supposed to be sacrificing himself, but he's not Jesus. In fact, him not being Jesus this year is why he was great. His sideways timeline was one of the only entertaining ones. His "take a backseat" approach was a great idea and really set up for his inevitable move for taking over for Jacob. I always thought of Jack's character as a race. In this race, he used as his energy in the beginning, then it got tired and he lagged behind. Luckily, he built strength from the back, and in the last season passed a lot of characters who were falling due to lack of interesting story lines. Worked out well, and really redeemed him as a character.

6) Hugo "Hurley" Reyes (7)

A good last season, and even put up a nice acting performance in the finale. A very steady character throughout, can't say much more than I did in the last list. But finally getting to lead gave him a nice push.

5) Daniel Faraday (4)

Faraday went out with a whimper as opposed to a bang. My justification of him over Desmond doesn't hold up anymore. To me, he's still in front of Hurley, but arguments can be made for him to be behind most people on the list. I still like him at 5 for his interesting story and his plot shake ups. I'll put it this way: When he came out of the sub in Season 5, everyone knew shit was going down. No other character packed that much punch, besides maybe Ben.

4) Desmond Hume (5)

I toiled with him at 3 for a long time. It didn't look right. I couldn't do that to John Locke. But he was an ultimate catalyst for plot development in this series, and he's probably the best 4th ranked character in TV history.

3) John Locke (3)

Unfortunately, he couldn't move up in the ranks cause he was dead. Sorry fanboys.

2) James "Sawyer" Ford (2)

Hard to make him number 1, but harder to make him number 3. A very solid performance in the final season, but not enough to overthrow Dr. Linus.

1) Ben Linus (1)

Things got completely flipped on Ben for the final season, yet he still managed to pull of a stunning performance. First, he took a backseat and played the victim, something he never did. He became a sympathetic character in both the normal timeline and in the sideways timeline, where he was a generous and loving giver who chose love over power. And even still, his ending was great, with a touch of old school Ben (killing Widmore), then evading death and ultimately ending up as the number 2 to the ultimate side character (Hurley). Just great writing and acting cemented his position as the greatest character on Lost.

Top 15 80's One Hit Wonders

2010-05-20T20:44:00.004-04:00

Wow, first post of May. Finals week and moving back home has led to this long overdue post. But I've had this one on the back burner for a while, so here it is...

I looked at a list of One Hit Wonders (VH1's). Then I looked at an 80's list. I found common themes among them. They each had the same 15 songs that were so stereotypical 80's. It always had at least 4 of the following 5 qualities:

1) Bad hair

2) Lame music video

3) Lots of synth

4) Upbeat

5) Very catchy

Let me first say this countdown took out some of the one hit wonders that I either liked (Electric Avenue) or were popular that I didn't like (Mickey) because it didn't fit. When people look at these 15 they see the songs that are associated with the 80s. The only one that's really missing that I like is Final Countdown, because everything it does is done better, whether it be hair metal or synth, and it doesn't really hold up as well as these songs do. But just know, it was considered.

Note: I'm not gonna link the videos. Maybe if I get more motivated someday, I will...

15) Modern English - I Melt With You

One of those songs that when you hear the band and title you say "I've never heard of it," but then you listen and you go "oh that song!". I do enjoy this song on the occasion that it comes up, but it's nothing really memorable, which is why it only takes 15.

14) Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Relax

Watching VH1 a few years back, there was an interview with a Frankie Goes To Hollywood fan that was saying things like "FGTH is here for the long run! They're musical geniuses, and it's only a matter of time before the world takes notice!" So much for that. Luckily, they left a catchy song that is now mostly associated with a decent Ben Stiller movie.

13) Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock - It Takes Two

One of those songs I wish I was aware of back when I was younger, cause going up to younger middle school teachers and saying "I wanna rock right now" may have elicited great responses like "I'm (fill in teacher's name) and I came to get down." Like many of my generation, this song came to my ears through the Lil' Romeo cover. Not nearly as good, especially since his name had too many syllables for the intro line. But that's fine, because now he's not only a musical failure, he's a basketball failure. Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock though have gone on to have great...no wait, they're pretty much failures too. At least they made a good song though.

12) Gary Numan - Cars

Only really good story with this song is that it's in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, with the line "Here in my car, I feel safest of all." Indeed.

11) Cutting Crew - (I Just) Died In Your Arms

Probably the corniest one of the list (well, maybe number 6 is worse). If that wasn't bad enough, the writer of the song got the idea while having sex with his girlfriend. He said died was a euphemism for orgasm. Moving on...

10) Musical Youth - Pass The Dutchie

This is the one that makes the whole room kinda confused. Because everyone likes it, but it's such a weird song. It's only really applicable on like a really sunny day when you're with people who are either stupid or silly. Also, it's funny since it's about drugs and it's sung by young Jamaican kids. Bonus points to the video for spurning the first nerdy looking Jamaican.

9) Tommy Tutone - 867-5309/Jenny

We're hitting the real big hit song territory. I love this song, since it's really catchy, and it was still in the early 80's, and isn't really that synth based, and has like that nice sound that got emulated in the early to mid 90's by bands like the Gin Blossoms. Overall, just a real solid song. Also a great trivia question for games that require quick trivia questions, just simply ask "What's Jenny's number?"

8) Dead Or Alive - You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)

I first heard this song in the introduction to The Wedding Singer. It's unbelievably catchy. However, the music video is... frightening.

7) Nena - 99 Luft Balloons

Oddly, this song became a hit despite being in German. Now, foreign hits in this era were not uncommon. The Police were huge at the moment, as were U2. In fact, out of every band you've seen so far, only two weren't English (Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock and Tommy Tutone), and Musical Youth was both British and Jamaican. In fact, out of this list, 9 are English, 3 are American, and then there is 1 representative from each Germany, Norway, and Canada. So we don't need to blame the USA for most of this era. Though, Nena shouldn't get blamed for anything besides having a hit song that has been covered over and over in all kinds of languages. Actually, the first time I heard this song was when Goldfinger covered it. But overall, the original holds up quite well.

6) Men Without Hats - Safety Dance

Clearly the funniest song of the list. By far. Funniest lyrics, funniest video, funniest sound. However, it is extremely well done, and it actually holds up pretty well. Except the video. But still, it's such a weird song. For instance, if I was a baseball player and this was my intro music for my at bat, wouldn't the whole stadium just start laughing? I mean, Ty Wigginton has the Mario theme and I don't think I'd laugh as much. That being said, Miguel Tejada plays Toby Keith, and that's hysterical, so maybe it's all context.

5) A Flock Of Seagulls - I Ran

This song probably sounds the most 80's out of every song from the era, besides maybe the Scarface song "Push It To The Limit" by Paul Engemann. The video was perfect. Terrible hair, horrible quality, and just done on a studio with no real emotion from the band. Easily fulfills the 5 qualities of a stereotypical 80's song.

4) Twisted Sister - We're Not Gonna Take It

This is such a typical hair metal song, that it basically THE hair metal song. They had the biggest hair, the loudest sound, and the clearest message. The video for this song is now iconic. And while it's over the top and lame, the father screaming in the beginning was a little too close to home for a lot of kid's in the generation. Each generation has a genre that appeals to the kids who society looks down upon. The 60's and 70's had both heavy metal and progressive rock, the 80's had hair metal and punk, the 90's had grunge and ska, and the 00's have emo and hardcore. While no person nor band really likes all these genre's, the messages were all sort of the same. People who were grunge may have been emo if they were born 10 years later. Twisted Sister had a simple message: they did want they wanted and weren't getting held down. Now that transcends generations.

3) a-ha - Take On Me

Best music video out of the generation. It may be campy, and really corny, but it's a great concept. It's actually a well sung song, and a staple of karaoke bars. What stuns me is a lot of people haven't heard of this song or the video. If you haven't, allow yourself a musical education, and go youtube it.

2) Soft Cell - Tainted Love

While the music video may be woefully underwhelming, this song is probably the catchiest of the list and one of the more instantly recognizable songs of the 80's due to it's synth and rhythm machine beats. It's reached further generations subconsciously with it's sampling in Rihanna's SOS. I personally really like this song, and would be fine with it being #1, if not for the existence of...

1) Dexys Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen

The minute that violin hits, everyone who knows what's coming up next gets excited. Dancing in overalls is hardly hip (well, maybe todays hipsters decided it was two minutes ago, and then stopped being conformists), however, there was something about this campy song that made everything okay. It's beyond upbeat, it's like the song is pleading with you to get up and dance. One of the best songs to play in a bad mood to get in a better mood. By the end, if you aren't moving around, you're probably a cyborg. And if that's the case, beware, we've found you out, Mikhail Prokhorov.

Top 10 "Batman 3" Potential Villains

2010-04-30T17:17:00.005-04:00

It's not secret among my friends that I am heavily critical of super-hero movies, since they usually lack plot and rely on action and star power to carry them. While this is mostly the case (Superman Returns, Fantastic Four, Ghost Rider, first Hulk, Cat Woman) there are a few exemptions in my overly analytical mind (Spider-man 1 & 2, second Hulk, Michael Keaton's Batman movies) It's gotten to the point that I just don't see them now (I've missed Iron Man, Daredevil, Blade, and technically missed Ghost Rider but the consensus was by the people that saw it without told me I made a good move passing on it). However, I did get sucked into The Dark Knight like everyone else, and even though I've grown cold on it over the last year (too long, hard to rewatch, plot's a bit confusing), I am still hotly anticipating the introduction of the Batman 3 main antagonist. I've created a list composed of 10 different villains, and ranked them on character's adaptability to film (Killer Croc, Clayface, you're basically out), character's draw power (are people more willing to see a movie with The Riddler or Calender Man?), and potential actors that fit the role. The rank is a little open ended, but the area they are in is basically a testament to how excited I am for that possibility. Again, I apologize for my lack of comic book knowledge.

Also, if you are one of the 5 people that didn't see The Dark Knight, there are spoilers ahead.

10) Mr. Freeze

Dream Actor: John Malkovich

Realistic Actor: Nicholas Cage

A little too campy, but if done correctly, either deeply dark, and depressing (Malkovich) or even just straight forward (Cage), it could be a good side character to the psychotic main villain.

9) Mad Hatter

Dream Actor: Jeremy Davies

Realistic Actor: Giovanni Ribisi

Only 9 since Mad Hatter is too close to the Joker and too obscure. That being said, a crazy scientist is the part Jeremy Davies was born to play, and if anyone could come close to Ledger's performance, I daresay Davies is the best bet for under $5 million. Ribisi has more credibility though, and has been patiently waiting for a role that will make him more than a "that guy" in movies.

8) Deadshot

Dream Actor: Clive Owen

Realistic Actor: Jeremy Renner

Another sort of obscure character that needs some limelight. This Batman series does a fine job of taking unexplored villains and mixing them with the more traditional villains from

the previous series, molding them all into the new atmosphere. Deadshot is already a great candidate since he works with the realistic nature of Christopher Nolan's universe, and his villainy is obvious: he's an assassin. Toss a gritty actor in the role (like the always solid Owen or the cocky, breaking out Renner) and this seems like a great choice.

7) Bane

Dream Actor: Gerard Butler

Realistic Actor: Kevin Durand

Bane as already failed in Batman & Robin, so it must be done lightly. He should be used as an enforcer for a bigger character, and hurt Batman to a degree that he finally seems vulnerable, like he did in the comics. Butler, while a great choice, seems a little too much for this role, and the under-the-radar Kevin Durand would fit in perfectly.

6) Victor Zsasz

Dream Actor: Edward Norton

Realistic Actor: Skeet Ulrich

While he already appeared in Batman Begins, played by relative unknown Tim Booth, if Mr. Zsasz were to come to fruition, he would need a more pivotal role and more recognizable actor. Norton is the obvious choice, since his past with sociopathic villains is rich, but he's the Hulk. Ulrich has developed into a poor man's Edward Norton as of late, so he could squeeze in for the serial killer (a role he already played in Scream...um, spoilers on that, but it's been over 10 years, you should've seen Scream).

5) Harley Quinn

Dream Actress: Ellen Page

Realistic Actress: Emily Blunt

Harley Quinn's chances diminished with Heath Ledger's demise, since The Joker is unlikely to be rebooted. That being said, introducing Harley Quinn as a crazed "Joker fan" shall we say, could work wonders. The dark humor and charisma this part brings would be just the thing to launch an actress who was looking for a breakout role. Ellen Page I think could possibly be ready for a breakout, and if she played Quinn correctly, people could start to look at her as a serious actress, and not just the indie chick from Juno. Unfortunately, she's Kitty Pride, and she's probably not going to get a DC universe role. Emily Blunt is also on the verge of a breakout, but I'm not entirely sure this is her forte. If it were possible, this role would go to Helena Bonham Carter 20 years ago. As it is, she's too old, since Harley is suppose to be rather youthful.

4) Penguin

Dream Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman

Realistic Actor: Peter Stormare

PSH is the clear choice for Penguin, especially since the organized crime in Gotham seems a little chaotic after the Joker, and it might lead to a nice story of Penguin seizing power. Stormare could also work, but he could work for a lot of the villains as well (notably Zsasz, which would basically entail him reprising his role from Fargo). Penguin may be a little too high, since he's a gimmicky character, but if they make it dark enough, it could work very well.

3) Poison Ivy

Dream Actress: Scarlett Johansson

Realistic Actress: Angelina Jolie

Poison Ivy is the most natural choice for a villain, since she deviates from Ledger, who can't really be topped, and fills the female lead role which was left open after the already recast Rachel was killed off in Dark Knight. Her only issue is she basically breaks the realistic feel of the film, unless they change her persona up somehow. Johansson, while a great fit, is already Black Widow in the Marvel film universe, and people would probably be clamoring for Jolie in some form, though I could care less.

2) Cat Woman

Dream Actress: Anne Hathaway

Realistic Actress: Charlize Theron

Almost too obvious, Cat Woman would greatly fill the role of antagonist and female lead if she did her trademark bounce back between good and evil. While this is a great idea, Halle Berry already murdered this role, and people most likely would find it stale. However, with a much needed Anne Hathaway turn (you were great in being bad in Havoc, but unfortunately, so was the movie), or a much needed Charlize Theron appearance, this could be a career defining role for someone.

1) The Riddler

Dream Actor: Johnny Depp

Realistic Actor: Casey Affleck

I love the idea of The Riddler, but the execution will be hard. Whoever plays him will get compared to The Joker, and it's hard to live up to that. However, if used correctly, The Riddler doesn't need to be so happily psychotic. If they get back to the roots of the character, they can make this Riddler a slave to his own mindset, forced to commit crimes and puzzles due to his obsessions and not so much his cravings. This will lead to a more sympathetic character, yet still dark and unstable. Johnny Depp is the clear consensus choice on who should be The Riddler, but it'd be hard to balance the budget with his star power and the rest of the cast's price tag. Steve Buscemi is another option, but he's not really a lead antagonist, and he's aging quite a bit. I had Sam Rockwell in the realistic slot, but unfortunately, he was cast as Justin Hammer in Iron Man 2, and mostly, Marvel's gonna have those guys locked up. There's a lot of other room to play with, like David Tennant, Vincent Cassel, Doug Jones, and Cillian Murphy (who works much better in this role than Scarecrow in my opinion, though it's not really possible for him to be two characters). But I know what you (especially you Mike Vaz!) are thinking right now: "Casey Affleck? What the fuck?" I know, I know, but Junior Affleck has shown me something recently in such movies as Gone Baby Gone and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, and I really think he can pull this off. I don't get the same feeling I got from him that I got from Heath Ledger in his roles previous to Dark Knight, but it's similar (The moment I knew he was a good actor was in Lords of Dogtown, since he carried 90% of that movie, with Emile Hirsch carrying the last 10%). I know Casey Affleck has more in the tank, maybe even enough to pass up his brother on the fame scale. It'll take a movie like this to do it, and at the very least an Oscar nomination (which he already has gotten). This could be his meal ticket. And if so, you heard it here first.

Two-a-Days Part 2: 2010 NFL Draft running diary

2010-04-22T19:12:00.005-04:00

7:15 - And we're live from Pope Hall for the 2010 NFL Draft! I'm here with my friend Tivz and some leftover BBQ chicken and rice. Anxiously awaiting the first round to begin in 15 minutes, they're introducing potential first round picks.

7:17 - C.J. Spiller looks remarkably like Puff Daddy. I'd be worried if I were an O-lineman and he started calling me Biggie.

7:19 - Tivz has some cockamamie scheme were he thinks the Patriots are gonna get Ndamukong Suh. I may be in line to say I told you so in 30 minutes.

7:23 - Jaguars key loses: Torry Holt. Good to see we're picking up the best Jaguar available.

7:26 - Really awkward transition from Rachel Nichols to Michael Smith. Poor Rachel Nichols spent so much time in front of Brett Favre's house last year, she's throwing her reporting so she gets off the hook for this year.

7:30 - So pumped for Jon Gruden being on the panel. Anything is possible.

7:33 - St. Louis Rams are on the clock! Probably the most boring pick of the draft.

7:35 - Tivz already bailed on his Suh theory. Everyone that had 3 minutes in the pool, you can collect your prize at the door.

7:37 - Hey! The Bengals fan showed up! Nice to see him in the crowd!

7:38 - Sam Bradford goes number 1. Shocker.

7:39 - Tivz is babbling about his Suh theory. I'm waiting for Suh to go in about 3 minutes and laugh. You know, for the sake of everyone, I'll just announce the pick on here, and leave it at that. I don't like to gloat. Online at least.

7:42 - Suh's on the phone. With someone. Just saying.

7:43 - Gotta hand it to Suh, he's got the balls to wear a vest and yellow tie.

7:44 - Tivz's on Suh: "He looks ancient, like Greg Oden."

7:44 - Lions select Ndamukong Suh.

7:45 - It's not really fun right now. The next pick will be Gerald McCoy. Soon, shady stuff will start, and we'll be having fun.

7:49 - McCoy on the phone. Really wish they'd stop showing the phone. It's like IGN's Spoiler Room or Twitter updates on Friday nights.

7:52 - Bucs take McCoy. All right, now we're down to business.

7:53 - Washington Redskins can do a few things here. Trade not impossible, also taking offensive linemen.

7:58 - Trent Williams to the 'Skins. Can we get something interesting please?

8:00 - David Stern take note, Roger Goodell is giving out bro hugs to picks.

8:05 - Phone's giving away more spoilers than YTMND at a Harry Potter release.

8:12 - Safety Eric Berry goes to the Chiefs. Seahawks go Offensive Line. This is more straight forward than I thought. Uh, I'll get back to you when something interesting happens.

8:22 - Joe Haden crying like he's watching the end of Pay It Forward. Only he's 10 and his mom made him watch it. Not that I'd know.

8:26 - Haden to the Browns. The Raiders...are doing...what?

8:29 - Rolando McClain goes to the Raiders. A little odd, but, uh, kinda makes sense.

8:29 - (Dammit, I was hoping for some stupidity there.)

8:31 - Buffalo Bills take C.J. Spiller, and BOOM goes the dynamite!

8:31 - The Bills have 2 good RBs, why do this? Bills taking best available to a T. What's that, the Patriots are on the phone with the Bills? They want Adalius Thomas, right? Toss in some picks and we'll take Fred Jackson off your hands, don't worry.

8:36 - Jags on the clock, and they need Tim Tebow like Ben Roethlisberger needs a coed with 3 shots of Jose Cuervo in her.

8:39 - Jags take Tyson Alualu. In another words, to dust off an old Bill Simmons classic, Ladies and Gentleman, your 2011 Los Angeles Jaguars!

8:41 - Denver trades with San Francisco. San Francisco needs Jimmy Clausen, but their pride is making them stick with Alex Smith. I hope they enjoy their pride with a 7-9 finish this year. Enjoy running Frank Gore's career into the ground, fellas.

8:44 - At first I thought San Fran pick Anthony Davis was pissed about being a 49er, but he was just on Satellite delay.

8:45 - A lot of good pass rushers are still on the board... I may be getting giddy.

8:48 - Direct TV's commercial should be "Our DVR is our only saving grace when our satellite goes out during a drizzle."

8:49 - San Diego trades up...for Ryan Matthews. Darren Sproles be damned!

8:51 - Philadelphia trades up with Denver! Kevin Kolb is shaking in his boots! Michael Vick is shaking his dogs!

8:52 - You stay classy Giants fan.

8:57 - Goddammit.

8:57 - Eagles took Brandon Graham. Or, as I liked to call him, the Patriots dream pick. Which is what it was. A dream.

9:05 - Seattle takes Earl Thomas. Yawn.

9:06 - Giants are up. The big question: is there any pick the crowd won't boo?

9:13 - Jason Pierre-Paul, the Giants pick, has more white guys in his room than any other pick. Maybe he has both his parents in his life too.

9:14 - Giants crowd actually accepts him. That's the second biggest shocker of the night over the Jaguars not declaring bankruptcy.

9:20 - Derrick Morgan on the phone. Pats are running out of pass rushers...

9:22 - San Francisco, meet Jimmy Clausen, take 2, please....

9:26 - ...and take a guard from Hawaii. I won't bore you with his name, nor will I attempt to spell it.

9:28 - Aw, a make-a-wish pick from the Steelers. Too bad it was to pick Maurkice Pouncey, Center out of Florida. Too bad, Clausen's falling faster than my credibility as a man after defending Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

9:30 - Falcons on the clock and they need a pass rusher. Somewhere, Bill Belichick winces.

9:31 - Falcons take Sean Weatherspoon, we're still alive with Sergio Kindle, Jerry Hughes, and Dez Bryant. Unless we trade down, we're getting one of them. I hope. I hope.

9:37 - Texans take Kareem Jackson. No jokes. We're getting close...

9:39 - It's nice to see Erin Andrews in such a stressful situation. Calms me down.

9:40 - Tim Tebow's draft room is all a bunch of OC extras that all bought the same baby blue shirt before the draft.

9:41 - BENGALS TAKE JERMAINE GRESHAM! Peace out brother!

9:42 - ...And the Patriots traded down.

9:42 - Damn it all.

9:46 - And Denver takes...Demaryius Thomas. Best first name in the draft, but second best WR. Where's Dez Bryant?

9:49 - Am I the only one that thinks Adam Schefter's a punk? I'm probably just bitter from him breaking the Manny and Big Papi performance enhancing drugs story. Still, he's a punk.

9:51 - Packers take a Guard, Patriots get another shot!

9:58 - Pats traded down again...this is getting ridiculous.

9:59 - Cowboys take Dez Bryant. Dammit, why can't these be fun. To dust off another old favorite, this is about as funny as a brain tumor, and brain tumor's aren't funny.

10:01 - Just realized that pick gave me Dez Bryant on my fantasy team. It's an improvement over my old picks like J.P. Losman and Sinorice Moss.

10:03 - I love how Jerry Jones is not repeating the mistake of failing to take a bad character guy. That's like a girl not failing to repeat banging a guy on the first date after she let someone get away.

10:05 - Denver trades up to get the golden boy, Mr. Tim Tebow! I guess we don't have to worry about him losing his virginity in the turbulent Denver night life.

10:07 - Shocking how many Broncos hats they had ready at Tebow's house. Makes the room look like a country club.

10:09 - Tebow over Clausen is huge. God's trying to figure out who to side with. He certainly isn't telling Mel Kiper, though he is holding up his hair.

10:10 - Tebow was in Jacksonville. How big did the Jags drop the ball? I'm putting it between casting Hayden Christiansen in Star Wars and MGMT's second CD.

10:20 - The Mike Ditka Coors Light commercial really isn't that funny the 27th time.

10:22 - The Pats pick is in! The search is over! Push the button, push it! Push it for glory!

10:24 - And we pick a player with 5 career interceptions. I'm done.

10:30 - This was a bigger waste of time than watching Repo Men . I have to call it a night. Sorry for the lack of jokes. I'll remember to never try to be funny when watching the Pats draft.

Two-a-Days Part 1: 20 Comments About D2: The Mighty Ducks

2010-04-22T09:18:00.002-04:00

Later today, I will (most likely) post a running diary of the 2010 NFL Draft (3 posts in 3 days, no way!). Right now however, I do plan on writing a quick list on D2: The Mighty Ducks. I haven't watched D2 lately, but I was reminded of it when watching the Bruins last night. It's one of those odd kids movie where you find new things after each viewing. And I feel it is my duty to share some new information with you that you may not know about one of the best kids sports movies of all time.

1) The sequence where everyone is gathered up is one of the best scenes in kids movie history. There's something oddly great about everyone skating around finding all the heroes from the last movie (or at least the ones they could afford to come back). You got Averman working at a movie theater, Goldberg making fast food, and everyone totally cock-blocking the two most forgettable characters, despite knowing they were hanging out together ("We gotta get Connie and Guy!"). Definitely a great start to the movie, probably the best way to introduce characters from an old movie.

2) There's not nearly enough players for a hockey team. I honestly don't know who the defensemen are. Guy Germaine maybe? Averman? Regardless, they have 12 position players, and 2 goalies. That sets up for 3 lines (one less than usual) and 3 defensemen (3 less than usual). They couldn't pull 4 extras out and give them no lines and basic intros? I mean, Guy Germaine is almost an extra already, even if he scores sneakily in a lot of games. To top it off, when Banks comes back from injury, Charlie sits out because the roster is full. Huh?

3) Les Averman sucks. I'm sorry, they wouldn't have him on the Olympic hockey team. Sure he's comic relief, but unless he's making Team Iceland laugh into a coma, he's useless.

4) The kid who plays Kenny Wu (Justin Wong) was 13 when this movie came out. This was one of the only movies that had kids playing characters almost their age. The oldest was Dean Portman who was only 18 at the time. Unlike today where people like Maggie Grace plays a 17 year old in Taken when she's 24 and looks 24 and sounds 24.

5) Two of the Team USA characters were actually played by Canadian actors: Charlie Conway (Joshua Jackson) and Kenny Wu (Justin Wong).

6) They didn't think much into who plays hockey geographically. They got hockey players from Texas, San Francisco, and Miami. Not big hockey towns. Plus, Iceland isn't a hockey powerhouse. Why not just have Russia be the bad guys? They're good and they're already stereotyped as bad guys in a film that uses a lot of stereotypes. And Trinidad and Tobago? What the fuck?

7) Mike Vitar, who plays Luis Mendoza, is clearly typecast as the fast guy due to the Sandlot. You can't be Benny "the Jet" Rodriguez and then be slow in any movie.

8) The actor (Kai Lennox) who plays Sanderson ("Two minutes, well worth it") was also in The Unusuals, which is one of the all time great "that guy" shows. In addition to Lennox, The Unusuals had Michael Perrineau (Lost, Oz), Jeremy Renner (bad guy from S.W.A.T., Hurt Locker), Amber Tamblyn (Joan of Arcadia), Monique Gabriela Curnen (Det. Ramirez from The Dark Knight), Terry Kinney (Oz), and Adam Goldberg (Jewish guy from Saving Private Ryan).

9) Team Russia beats Team Iceland, and is never heard from again. Since the tournament is double-elimination, and Team Iceland needs to beat Team USA to show dominance earlier, they take the team that should be favorites based on history (Russia) and have a newspaper clipping show that they beat Iceland. And then they fall off the face of the earth. How did Russia not win, or at least be mentioned a little more? They just go on to get beat by Team USA. And Canada's not even mentioned as far as I remember. What the hell?

10) Adam Banks is made of damn glass. He gets hurt more often than Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable.

11) Gunner Stahl, while also having the best bad guy name ever, has 3 lines that, when said in the accent, are instantly recognizable to anyone who saw the film: "You lost it for yourself", "Let's go shake their hands", and "Good work Captain Duck."

12) This is one of the only movies where a save is the climax. It would be like a blocked shot being the end of a basketball movie, or a catch being the end of a baseball movie, or fumble recovery being the end of a football movie. Just weird, but understandable.

13) Dean Portman is really the only character out of the new characters that has his best moment outside of this movie. Russ ("THE GOALIE!"), Kenny ("Two minutes, well worth it"), Dwayne ("2 minutes for roping"), Luis (breakaway goal), and Julie (Shootout save) all had their moments in this movie. One could argue Luis' best moment was making out with the varsity team guy's girlfriend, but no doubt Portman's best moment was in the 3rd movie, and probably the best moment in the series, when he returns for the third period.

14) South central LA kids play street hockey? And invite a bunch of white kids to play with them? No one's calling bullshit on this in the writer's room?

15) By all accounts Portman made up the song he sings one the ice during his intro. And by all accounts I mean I Google'd the one lyric he sings and nothing came up.

16) The flying V worked best because Averman took the shot and he was least likely to score. I'm convinced.

17) The bad news music is one of those that if played at a public event, all the college kids will immediately think something terrible happened due to its history in their childhood.

18) Dwayne's shootout moves is hilariously bad. He does that stupid bounce the puck on his stick that does nothing, swings it between his legs early, then harmlessly sells a slow wrist shot glove side. Why not try deking him in front of the net like Germaine did one shot before? He's suppose to be the best puck handler!

19) Fulton's shot has 2 cheesy sound effects in about 5 seconds. Everything's going realistic(ish) until that moment. It's completely unnecessary.

20) Adam Bank's shot in the shootout is the complete opposite of Gunner Stahl's, even though it's the same move. I'll explain. Both do triple dekes, though the term triple deke is exaggerated in this case, since they aren't really dekes as much as handling the puck in a normal fashion. But Banks does so much cool shit. He gets an awesome inspirational music intro, kicks the puck to start off, dekes the goalie, then deflects the puck off the goalie, cause fuck him, he can't stop my shit. Stahl on the other hand, kicks the puck, dekes way early, stops, then launches the puck into the most obvious and well guarded spot. Lame. I also love how everyone gets all anxious, even though the red light didn't go on and she clearly saved it since the puck didn't hit the net. But oh no, we wait until we see the puck fall out. I love kids movies.

Devil's Advocate: Real World/Road Rules Challenge

2010-04-16T08:50:00.005-04:00

As I watch Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Freshmeat II, I find my male friends looking at me like I'm a freak. While the only straight dudes that watch this are either tools or middle schoolers, I find it very entertaining. I will attempt to explain why simply, then more in depth. It is mostly due to the 3 things it reminds me of: Survivor, gym class, and the classic MTV programming.

The Survivor aspect should come as no shock. Survivor is one of the best constructed reality shows ever. It makes people test new friendships versus their greed and selfishness. Everyone says they will stay morally sound and straight as an arrow, but ultimately they all bend for the money. This show is no different. As a kid that loves deception and psychological games, this show is perfect. It's just Survivor with drunken idiots that are my age.

Gym class, to those of you that went to school with me, know how much I loved it. Being the trash master and pulling off stupid shit was some of the most fun I had in high school. And this is just like watching gym class on steroids.

Now comes the hard part. Everyone loves to destroy MTV's reality shows. For the most part, they are crap (every teen pregnancy show makes me wanna kick myself in the dome), but the flagship ones (Real World, Road Rules, and now Jersey Shore) are usually at least decent. They usually have one or two people that provide entertainment through either being dicks or playing jokes or something. However, these shows usually get boring through the monotony of just living and the crappy cast members.

That's where the Challenge comes in. Gone are the crappy cast members. It's an all-star lineup of everyone's favorites. And the annoyance that occurs when arguing and flirting are taking up too much time are broken up by the strategic talk and the challenges. Plus, if you do watch Real World or Road Rules, you get to see people from different seasons interact with each other. I implore you to watch it, at the very least to make fun of how terrible the people are. The most fun is picturing them actually in real life. I refuse to believe people like this can survive in the world. It's amazing what people will do for $100,000.

Ballsy Names For Your Kids

2010-04-05T21:21:00.002-04:00

Names of your children are literally the most fun you can have during pregnancy (note I said during, not creating). The recent trend is an odd combination of old school (names like Emma and Abigail near the top for girls, and Noah and Elijah for boys) and names they are only recently getting on key chains (like Jayden and Nevaeh, which is literally just heaven backwards). Now, being a relatively creative soul, in the distant future when I am in the situation where kids are on the horizon, I plan to try to convince my no doubt crazy wife that our names have to be awesome. And the only way to be awesome is to give names to children that everyone says "no, that's terrible!" Oh yeah? Bring it. Here we go.

Ja'Marcus Holt

What? You think he was gonna be black? You're so racist!

Quincy Holt

Would you ever be scared of someone named Quincy? There's barely any names that are more geeky than this. And one is a first round pick in the upcoming NBA draft. Bonus points: Call him QH.

Bertha Holt

This would only work if my wife was hot. Then you would assume my child would be somewhat attractive. Can you be attractive with the name Bertha? I wanna try.

Robert Downey Holt

Believe if he got famous? How great would that be?

Ashley Holt

Ashley becomes Ash. Ash Holt. Say it. Ash Holt. Ass Holt. Asshole. BUTT HOLT!

Jimmer Holt

The Jimmer!

(Seriously, I'm pretty busy, sorry these posts suck.)

5 New Rules of Life

2010-03-27T22:58:00.002-04:00

Haven't posted in a while, so I decided to do a piece on Rules of Life that I mentioned when I started this blog. I'm gonna bang out 10 quick ones so you can grab your knowledge on the go.

1) Don't shop at Hot Topic

Nothing good comes out of the Hot Topic. It's not cool, or clever. I assume the people that work there are annoying femo kids (femo in this stance stands for fake emo, though femo can also mean female emo, so the two can overlap), because I honestly have never been inside to check. Now, if you call bullshit and say I need to go in to find out, believe me, the look from the outside is enough. You can't have a shirt about Sponge Bob in a Hot Topic. You aren't ironic. All your money is going to this bitch anyway.

2) Not all bros are alike

We all know bros. Dave Matthews loving, ultimate playing, Natty Ice drinking bros. Well, know that some bros aren't really bros at all. There are the bros that like good old school rap, know random facts about history, and don't act like douchebags. Usually, these guys are pretty good dudes too. So keep an eye out.

3) Take more upsets in your March Madness bracket

How many of you made a bracket this year? How many of you got killed when Murray State beat Vandy? Or by Cornell going to the sweet sixteen? Now, at the moment, I may not be the best person to tell you this (currently, my bracket is at the 50 percentile), but next year, when you finish your bracket, add 2 more upsets. Trust me.

4) Don't try to change guys

Girls, listen to me. Guys, spread this to girls like wildfire, you'll thank me later. Guys don't change. Again. Guys do not change. Now, in some ways they change, but only for the worse. I'll explain. When a guy likes a girl, he'll act overly nice for a while (not including flirting, but that's not anything harmful). He does errands, helps you with things, you know, boyfriend stuff. But after that, you fall into routine. Then you eventually get to the core of the guy. Now, guys aren't fixer uppers. You get what you see. So if you think Jimmy is one slight attitude adjustment away from a perfect boyfriend, you're probably in for a surprise in 3 months.

5) Hi-Fives need to be upgraded

Hi-Fives are too often used these days. So I'm setting simple ground rules. Funny joke? No. Sexual exploit or good put down/comeback? I'd say no, possible fist bump. Greeting? Not a hi-five, but that handshake-five thing, sure. Teamwork success? I'd say yes on most cases. Any sport achievement? Yes. Video game achievement? Only multi-player while playing with someone in the room, and the hi-fiver must be on your team. The hi-five is meant to be used as sort of a duel fist pump. Only hi-five in a situation where you'd also fist pump.

And we're done.

Death of AIM

2010-03-16T00:23:00.003-04:00

I have slowly come to a realization that is somewhat startling, yet oddly rewarding.

AIM has become rather dated, and for the most part, obsolete.

Now, I still use AIM, more than most people. It's an easy way of communicating to talk about random things with people who are far away. It is actually more important to guys since the concept of calling other guys to talk about issues is rather weird and unheard of. But I slowly noticed my friend list dwindling.

This isn't really a shocker, my friend list for the better part of high school and all of college has stayed somewhere around 20 and under. I detest getting notified someone logged in when it's someone I'll never talk to, so I delete them eventually. Right now, I have 12 left. Out of those 12, 7 are dudes that I talked to in varying levels of instance, and 4 are the girls who, in no light words, have had the best impact on my life, and, because I'm such a sap, have liked each one of them. Some I talk to whenever they're on, some I talk to on occasions to catch up, one I keep on in the off chance she ever comes back to AIM (not because I'm still in love with her, just to catch up in an easier method than Facebook chat, more on that later). The last spot is reserved for what is becoming a rarity, a girl who I'm getting to know that actually uses AIM.

The old system for us nerds was easy:

1) Meet, get to know in context (in class, at work, at summer camp)

2) Find bullshit excuse to get screen name ("Hey, can I have your AIM so I can get the homework?")

3) Talk on AIM a bunch and get to know them more personally

4) Get to the point of friendship that exchanging phone numbers isn't awkward, it's the logical next step

5) Text and AIM liberally

6) Pray to avoid the friend zone

For the most part, it worked well. And by well I mean deceptively awful, let's break it down shall we?:

1) Say first impression is good, you come across as interesting and intriguing

2) Talk on AIM, good at first, casual

3) Talk eventually leads to exchange of problems, gets too serious

4) Detachment occurs when there's no connection in person cause you only talk online

5) Girl decides you're better off as friends

Notice that happened way before you got a phone number? I realized this like 6 girls and all of high school and church camp too late.

Now I know it wasn't just me, cause I see it happening to friends. But here's the flip side: The new system is actually much more awkward:

1) Meet

2) Get to know

3) Facebook friend

4) Facebook chat

5) Texting

Here's the problem: Facebook chat sucks, cause it cuffs you to Facebook. If that's not bad enough, Facebook profiles are terribly inaccurate. People sometimes make them and don't change them for years. Some can be overwhelming, some can be underwhelming, most of the time you learn something that turns you off to that person.

But take solace nerds, this is a good thing.

Here's what we do:

The death of AIM causes us to stop being dumbasses. It will keep us out of the friend zone, stop it from being awkward, and force us to be social in person. For once.

But please, don't get me started on Skype. One thing at a time, society...

Top 10 Female Celebrities I Like

2010-03-08T21:44:00.007-05:00

In high school, I made a point to lambaste anyone who had a crush on a celebrity. It made no sense to me whatsoever. You like someone you never met and have no realistic chance of ever meeting? I'm suppose to support this? Well, turns out, once you sort of get past the razmataz of dating somebody, liking girls takes a new point of view. As someone who long dwelled in the shadows of the non-dating scene, I understand that it is hard for the non-dater to blindly love someone when they can't even get the girl next door (though, these are also probably the people professing their love for Felicia Day on forums because she dropped this little number). But eventually these famous girls get to you. You see them in films, interviews, and general media, and you feel you know them. Most of them are older (nature of the business, most famous people are older than 20, and if they're female, they're usually dating 33 year old Russian boxers), but that usually doesn't stop me. A quick note before I begin that I can't stress enough: this is not a list of celebrities I wanna bang. This is a list of celebrities I would wanna take out to dinner and get to know. Big difference. I mean, I'm not that creepy, right? Moving on...

(Editor's Note: After just formulating this list in a word doc, I've realized I'm gonna have a lot of explaining to do...)

10) Jessica Chobot

Chobot has a very, very good gig for herself. She plays up one of the granddaddy areas of what is commonly known as "bartender hot" (a girl who is bumped up on the hotness scale because she's in an area with little attractive woman exist). That area is video games. IGN hired her as the looks for their news segment. But here's the trick. Instead of getting some 10 out of 10 model who didn't give 2 shits about gaming, they got a hot, down to earth gamer who everyone can associate with. What gets me is her deadpan delivery and sarcasm. As most of you know, I do enjoy me some deadpan humor and sarcasm, especially in small groups when I'm less loud. The main drawback. Bitch is 32! Granted, that's great for her, since she looks about 25, but that really threw me. Plus, the entire gaming community over-hypes her. But she manages to grab the 10 spot (which I honestly had trouble filling).

9) Hayden Panetierre

This takes some explaining. I don't really like Heroes, and I found her character kind of annoying in Malcolm in the Middle. However, she voiced a character called Kairi in Kingdom Hearts. Now, I'm a sucker for a girl next door story. The girls I like usually become a really good friend first, since I have trust issues or something (My conscience speaking: I hate being vulnerable). That being said, there was no girl next door in my life, since I grew up without any real girl friends. So when I hear stories like this, I get roped into it, since it's right in my wheelhouse. So while I'm not a big fan of Hayden's recent work, I like her as Kairi, and for that, she'll always get points.

8) Kristen Bell

Funny and just utterly attractive. She toes the line that Amanda Bynes crossed in going too much towards the chick flicks, but for now, she's solidly at 8. That being said, I don't see much upside for her.

7) Emma Watson

I'll be honest, this is due to 2 things, and 2 things only: My love of the character Hermione (probably the only time I've ever had a crush on a fictional character, wait did I just admit to that?) and the English accent. There's two foreign things that do it for me, English accents and speaking French. After that, I feel Emma will drop off soon, since Harry Potter will be all but a nostalgic trip. Even if she's the most realistic chance I have to meeting anyone on this list, since she goes to Brown and I was there last weekend. Alas, no such luck. Plus she'd absolutely hate if I called her Hermione.

6) Ellen Page

There's something that's real about her. Like if I met her, she'd show genuine interest instead of blowing me off like 8/10th of this list (that's 4/5th for all you OCD math whizzes). But really, that's about it. The quirkiness and realism. Which leads me to my next point...

5) Daveigh Chase

There's a definite gap between 6 and 5. I'll be honest, this should really be a top 5 list with 5 honorable mentions. Chase has been in a lot of odd things, non of which were really all that attractive. She was the little sister in Donnie Darko, Joyce in Oliver Beane, Samara in the Ring, the voice of Lilo in Lilo and Stitch, and played Rhonda in Big Love (which I haven't seen). Not a lot of power, but she's got potential. I would argue she hasn't done anything to really get my attention. However, I'm always a sucker for a stunning pair of eyes. More on that later...

4) Natalie Portman

If I make this list 2 years ago, she's number 1. Now? She gets 4. She's really here for her performance in Garden State and her personality that makes her seem very friendly and outgoing. However, she is 28, doing more adult roles, and was in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. That being said, she's still my favorite actress, but I'm starting to move on.

3) Zooey Deschanel

It kills me because I shouldn't like her. She married the dude from Death Cab For Cutie. She's 30. She hasn't been in anything I really liked her in (I didn't like her character in Elf or Hitchhiker's Guide, and she wasn't in Almost Famous enough), though I haven't seen (500) Days of Summer yet. If (500) Days of Summer is like her Garden State, it'll justify this a little more. For now, I'm sticking to her eyes and singing voice as keeping her here.

Note: I have now seen (500) Days of Summer. Zooey's pretty much #1 now, especially since the Winter Olympics have ended for 4 years.

2) Emma Stone

I don't usually go for the bad girls, and they usually don't go for me. But I can only sit through so many movies where the dumbass protagonist gets to kiss Emma Stone at the end by finally agreeing to stop being a dumbass or at least promises to try. She's the kinda girl that makes me think that if I finally act vulnerable and overly nice, she'll think I'm cute and give me a chance, rather than blow me off cause I'm boring. Okay, so that sounds dumb, but I can dream.

1) Katherine Reutter

I apologize for making you sit through more Katherine Reutter columns. I realize the ending to that column wasn't that funny. But I really wanted to drive home how quickly things like this can affect us. Right now, if someone said "if you give me $500 cash, take a plane ride, sit next to a crying baby for 6 hours, drive 10 hours alone with no music or AC through boring Utah, and at the end of it get to spend 24 hours with Katherine Reutter going through her day with her getting the power of when to interact, when to eat, sleeping arrangements, whether to exchange contact information, and veto power at all times, I'm pretty sure I'd still do it. By all accounts, she's a great person and a great girl. That coupled with the fact that she's 5'6-5'7 and only a year older than me (plausible), she gets number 1.

Goodbye, Winter Olympics

2010-03-01T10:58:00.003-05:00

Like everyone else, I got swept into the Winter Olympics.

I now have a good handle on why we get into the Winter Olympics. Summer Olympics are different. All the events are like "classic" athletic events. Stuff like the long jump, races, high jump, swimming - those are all like pure athletic feats. Winter Olympics are a little different. Most of the sports include equipment, an odd concept, and is something a lot of people just don't pick up. I could have the potential to be a world class speed skater, but I wouldn't know, cause barely anyone picks up a hobby like speed skating at my age (except for American Katherine Reutter, who basically just moved and trained in Utah until she won 2 medals and got Stephen Colbert to sign her leg, who to be fair, was a great skater before that, but my point still stands, if not leaning a bit on a wall).

Because of this, the Winter Olympics become a joke for 3 years, 11 months, and 2 weeks. No one says "oh, that's the best athlete alive" like they would with someone like Usain Bolt. Instead, there's a feeling of they found a bunch of rich kids with a lot of free time. Now, while this is unfair (especially to young American Speed Skating phenom Katherine Reutter, who shamelessly trained in order to win medals at the Olympics to help pay for her parents house that was literally falling down around them), everyone kinda thinks it. There's a difference between watching someone run 100 meters in under 10 seconds and saying "wow, I could never do that" and watching 4 dudes jump in a bobsled and hurtle down a hill and saying "wow, that looks fun, we should do that!"

However, we get swept up just the same, simply because we are America. It's like we're like "whatever, it's just the Winter Olympics, who cares?" And then Canada and Germany come out of the woodwork and say "Uh, us, losers, eat it!", and they run away. And as America, we're like "HEY! Come back here!" and chase them. That being said, while it's exciting, some of these Olympic events are a bit...questionable. Here's my analysis:

Speed Skating:

Understand that I consider this a great event and the timed runs, while boring, are great athletic events. However, when there are 4 people on one track, it's like Nascar On Ice. Some races, the same people stay in the same 4 positions until the last lap, and then they all try to pass each other and someone inevitably falls and someone else gets DQ'd. It's such a terrible system. If you fall once, 4 years of training wasted (Unless you are American Speed Skating legend Katherine Reutter and you don't fall, you just win. And by win, I mean get a silver and bronze medal. Let the record show, it's a win in my book.) In one race, American Speed Skater and resident old hipster Apollo Ono basically lost his way into 2nd. He basically did the worst of anyone there and got a silver medal. Why couldn't this have happened in high school? Like if number 21 in the class got an F in Math last term, he or she gets DQ'd and I move up a number. I like this system.

Curling:

I love curling. But I also love ultimate, poker, and hearts, which are all just about as much Olympic sports as curling is. The only real athletics that are involved are the ones that sweep really fast while sliding on ice. No wonder the US Woman did better than the US Men, am I right fellas? (Note: That last joke was not made to make fun of all American Woman, especially American Speed Skating goddess Katherine Reutter, who I'm sure could curl and sweep with the best of them, if she wanted to.)

Cross-Country Skiing:

It's like hiking and skiing combined, only less fun to do and to watch.

Biathlon:

See above only add that they annoy us by not properly depicting the rifle section.

Ski Jump:

This is one of my favorites, cause I love to go off jumps when I go skiing. Do you know how I learned to Ski Jump? I saw a ramp and said "hey, that looks fun" and I tried it and landed it. Fifteen straight times. Granted, there jumps are higher, but a little more training, how hard could it be?

Snowboarding:

The Americans really just put this in so we could win more medals, I'm sure. I'm waiting for the Olympics to bring in the Mega Ramp for the next Olympics. And then Bob Burnquist will win for Brazil to wreck it for us.

Luge/Skeleton/Bobsled:

Nevermind, that shit's ridiculous.

Figure Skating:

This I understand, but seriously, doesn't this event itself make the Winter Olympics like the prissy little sister of the Summer Olympics? I mean, the Summer Olympics have gymnastics, but that's hardcore athletic ability, while I can't take figure skating seriously since it has lame music during the entire performance. And any sport that is scored by watching a performance probably isn't gaining too many male viewers. You know what Figure Skating needs? A mandatory speed limit. Everyone has to be going over like a certain speed limit the whole time or they get DQ'd. This way, American Speed Skating wonder Katherine Reutter can compete and gain more glory and money to build her parents a mansion. That girl is a fucking saint and cares about those around her. She's so great, I wonder if she reads my blog? Katherine? Hi, I love your work. Hey would you like to get dinner sometime, my number is-

...

Sorry, my friend saw what was happening and cracked me in the dome with a curling stone. I don't remember much, other than a picture of a girl in a euphoric state after completing a life dream. I wonder why...

(Image Courtesy of ESPN)

Freshmen Year History Diary

2010-02-19T12:06:00.004-05:00

Like one of my favorite columnists, Bill Simmons, I enjoy partaking in the occasional running diary. Most of the feedback I got on my Chemistry Paper one (which I got a 96 on) was good. Now, this was not my first running diary. I made one over a year ago in my history class freshman year. Now, one needs to understand, this teacher is, for a lack of a better term, batshit crazy. He was a conspiracy theorist and radical liberal. Now, I don't mind liberals, since I'm a heavy liberal myself, but radical anything is bad, cause it gives the normal ones a bad name. I don't judge Republicans by Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and conservatives shouldn't judge liberals by Michael Moore and Al Franken. But anyway.

This lesson was on Christianity. First off I'm almost certain this teacher was Jewish. He was from Poland with a Jewish sounding last name, his concentration was the Holocaust, and he talked about visiting Israel a lot. I have nothing against Jews either (wow, way to go me, bringing up politics and religion in the same post, this is suppose to be light commentary, right?), but if he is, it makes his rantings on Christianity all the more funny.

By the way, we were tested on this, I'm not kidding. Here we go...

History: 11/18/08

3:35 – Class starts late as usual, as he passes back people’s papers.

3:37 – Hasn’t done mine yet. Oops.

3:39 – Announces topics for today: Christianity. Woohoo. Last time he told us Mary was raped by a Roman soldier. This is gonna be fun.

3:40 – Judas has a Gospel. Go figure. And Judas and Jesus had a deal so that Judas could betray Jesus then kill himself. Who wrote this? Judas’ mother? Christ.

3:44 – JESUS HAD A TWIN. Was Jesus the favorite? Did he always live in Jesus’ shadow? Maybe his twin was just Neil Patrick Harris, and they’re the same person. Also, in the next Jesus movie, I’m rooting for Edward Norton as either Jesus or Judas. He’s truly coming into his own as the next emotionally distressed 30 something of Hollywood. Move over late ‘90s Tom Cruise.

3:45 – The winner of the Unabomber look-a-like contest quickly quips, “Could he be James’ twin?” Teach says no, cause that wouldn’t be controversial enough. Also, I think the Catholic church has launched a plague on us. More news on this later.

3:46 – Still waiting on him to whip out The Da Vinci Code. Now Jesus is married to Mary Magdalene. An illegitimate son marrying a prostitute. Did Jerry Springer go back in time? Were they married in a trailer park? Will this be on the test?

3:50 – Did you know it was James that was crucified by the Romans, not Jesus? Boy, he must be PISSED. All that work to play second fiddle for all eternity. Has there ever been a bigger oversight? This is right between cancelling the Lone Gunman before the finale and Raging Bull losing to Ordinary People in Directing and Best Picture. You can decide which is where.

3:52 – Somewhere, Mel Gibson is writing a screenplay.

3:53 – “What the Bible does is mixes together a bunch of different people…around Jesus…is what it does…” Am I the only one thinking the Bible told everyone that there was cake, and it was just Jesus? I thought so.

3:55 – Now there’s 7 Jesus’. I think Days Of Our Lives and All My Children are getting a run for their money.

3:56 – Never thought I’d have to pluralize Jesus.

3:57 – “Now that is datable, that’s a fact.” Good to know. It doesn’t have to be true to be a fact, just dateable. So theoretically, if you can date it, it must be true. I invented the internet on October 8, 1994. That is datable. That’s a fact.

3:58 – “Several Jesus’” Sounds like the name of an arrogant Christian rock band.

4:00 – I have 40 more minutes. Jesus Christs.

4:01 – “Pontius the Pilot” ROMAN GOVERNORS CAN FLY. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

4:02 – “John the Baptist died after Pilate ruled. If Jesus started preaching after John died, then Pilate wouldn’t have been able to sentence him. This can’t be true.” It’s also not true that Pilate can fly. Needs more dates.

4:03 – “I’m not gonna bore you with all the details…” Too late.

4:04 – Finally something of fact. He just stated that Jesus was born in May (plausible) and his birthday was moved to overshadow a Pagan holiday. Controversial enough to mention it, but actually truthful. Plus it has a date. It is datable. That’s a fact. (EDIT 2/19/10: If you notice, this was the first actual known fact he mentioned so far in a HISTORY class. It took a half hour. And it’s more of like a fun fact than something important like a treaty or a war. This is one of those things that a European History teacher like Mr. P or Ben Linus would tell you in passing and then after say something like “you don’t need to write that down, it won’t be on the test.”)

4:07 – Nazareth didn’t exist. Meh, less buildings for Jesus to build.

4:10 – Mary Charlotte on AIM: “Dude, you need a new college…” True statement.

4:12 – “If you’re gonna go to jail, do something worth your time. Like shoot Cheney, for example.”

4:13 – “Don’t quote me [on that].” Too late.

4:15 – Now he’s mocking Jesus predicting his death. Sure he doesn’t need to be a prophet. Everyone knew it. It wasn’t like he went “tadaaa”. It was common knowledge. Like how much his mother was a slut. Christs, he’s getting me into it now. I need a drink.

4:17 – Rome had spies following Jesus. Wonder why they didn’t write a Gospel.

4:19 – Sanhedvin. Sounds like a Nu-metal band or a Steely Dan song.

4:20 – Pilate was cruel and ruthless, and was removed after 10 years of brutality. And he was a pterodactyl.

4:21 – Nails through the palms rip out. That’s an awkward faceplant. And what do you say to the soldier? Do you be a smart-ass about it? “Hey rooster head, why don’t you try taking a physics class? I could’ve made the entire Mediterranean Sea wine by now!”

4:24 – ZOMG JESUS WAS STILL ALIVE ON THE CROSS! Someone get David Blaine on the phone to see if this is possible!

4:28 – “Jesus probably died a natural death.” At least that’s nice.

4:30 – When he said James led the Ebionites, I thought he said Onionites. And they’re all vegetarians. They must all have layers. (I apologize, I’m going crazy)

4:31 – A look at the “sex mentioned” counter seems to be at 23 right now. And we’re talking about Jesus. Outside I see frogs raining down. And I’m a firstborn. How fast can I convert to Judaism?

4:33 – Also, the “laugh-at-my-own-jokes” counter has just broken since it can’t take 3 digit numbers. And I’m not exaggerating. My count is 104.

4:35 – Paul created Christianity. Hey a fact. Wait, no, he did it due to a vast conspiracy. Of course. How could I forget the Apostle on the Grassy Knoll. Good thing the shades are down. I don’t know if the Catholic church has any snipers in the area.

4:36 – The first bag zip! People are trying to push it early! I don’t think he heard it over his rambling on Satan knocking up Mary and giving birth to L. Ron Hubbard. Can I get sued for writing this?

4:37 – Remember, Pilate learned to fly on April 24, 34 A.D. (B.C.E.). It’s datable. It must be true.

4:39 – The bag zippers call it early! Next time the Roman Empire! Oh boy! Caesar has a bastard child!

The 10 Worst Pointless Levels In Great Video Games Of The Past Decade

2010-02-14T21:26:00.012-05:00

No video game is perfect (sorry Ocarina of Time lovers), even the really good ones. Usually what brings them down is something small but glaring. A bad camera, awkward controls, less than awesome graphics, bad voice acting, etc. However, I noticed something around 2 years ago. Every good game seemingly has one part (usually a certain level, or part of the game) that is either unnecessary, uninteresting, or plain unfun. There were many games like this in the 90s, but it has become more glaring in recent years, since with all the play-testing and reviews, mistakes like this shouldn't happen. But, alas, each of the following levels exist in the last decade of great games.

Reverse order, worst in 1st.

10) Mass Effect 2: Jacob's Level

Mass Effect 2 is most likely going to be my game of the year, unless Skate 3 managed to perfect everything that was wrong with Skate 2 in less than a year and a half, or Valve releases Half-Life 3 featuring Sly Cooper as Gordon Freeman's sidekick, with Alex remodeled to look and sound like Emma Stone, with a soundtrack by Muse and Wolfmother combined. And most of the best missions in the game were the team's side missions. Most had memorable moments (Miranda's, Grunt's, Garrus', and Tali's come to mind), or at the very least had a cool story line (Tali's, Jack's, Zaeed's, Mordin's, Miranda's). Jacob's had neither. His mission was not only wholly uninteresting, but very fast and forgettable. This would be fine, since the personal missions from Mass Effect one were basically regular side missions, but missions like Tali's and Miranda's upped the ante to the degree where they were basically a main mission for the game. Jacob's, without giving much away, can be boiled down to the following 5 words: bitching, shooting, more bitching, anti-climactic.

9) Borderlands: The Vault

I present this with sympathy to those who haven't played/finished Borderlands. Playing this game made everyone think The Vault level would be a combination of the Xen level from Half-Life, The Cooper Vault level from Sly Cooper 3, and the end of both Mass Effects. It was led on to be seen as a long journey through an alien treasure warehouse, and ending with a giant boss battle. I figured it'd be epic. And what happened was, and I pick my words carefully, a humongous disappointment. It was like the writers and programmers simultaneously ran out of time and made a deal to end the game as quickly and pointlessly as possible. The reaction of gamers is best expressed with the following hypothetical reaction: "What the fuck? Wait, what's that? Wait, what? That's it? But what about, wait, no, NO!" It's funny, cause the zombie DLC was largely unimpressive (besides the elevator joke) until the end, where I screamed "Holy Fucking Shit" (which also appeared on screen) at the climax. The final battle is sub-par, but still memorable.

8) Metal Gear Solid 3: Escort EVA

This game grinds to a halt with this mission. It's so infuriating to be moving and then stop to help EVA. I can't keep going, I need to move on, it pisses me off too much...

7) Almost Every Mass Effect Side Mission

Mass Effect is a fantastic game, but the side missions are so bland. You drive over a planet that's the same as every other planet with a different skin pasted over it. Then you enter the building, people scream "enemy is everywhere!" and "I will destroy you!", kill everyone, pick up/read the thing you need, walk ALL the way back to the Mako, then leave. Mass Effect stays a great game cause these missions are not necessary, even though I did all of them. Some are entertaining (like the pirate bomb one), but most are forgettable or worse, tedious (like the space monkey one).

6) That Mission in every GTA

There are a lot of missions in each GTA that aren't really fun, but are challenging or necessary (like killing a whole bunch of dudes, or drug deals gone wrong, which make up roughly 100% of drug deals in the GTA universe whenever the protagonist is hired to do security). But there's one in every game that does nothing but halt the progression of the story. I forget which one it is for each game, but it makes you look up walkthroughs and/or stop playing for weeks at a time. In Vice City, I remember it was the race with the getaway driver or the save Lance mission, depending on how lucky you were at each time. In GTA4, it was the mission where you drive Phil to the warehouse and attempt to kill a shit ton of dudes and keep the retarded Phil from dying (bonus points to this mission since its like a 5 minute drive each time you fail). Every GTA has these missions, and you just have to pray you finally get lucky and move on with the game.

5) BioShock: Fort Frolic

It only gets 5 because it has some memorable moments to it. Unfortunately, the entire sequence of events seems rather unnecessary and misplaced (much like #1). This level has nothing really to do with the rest of the game. In fact, it relishes in the fact that the protagonist is separated from the main plot. This factor is the key to the pointless levels in this list. If you have to stop for a moment and say "wait, why is this in the game?" it probably shouldn't be.

4) Kingdom Hearts 2: Atlantis

A singing level? A SINGING LEVEL! WHY? FUUUUUUUU-

3) Halo 3: Cortana/The Key

Bungie, I understand. I'm suppose to feel like I have to go into hell and come back in order to save Cortana. But you know what? Bioware did that with Mass Effect 2 and made it fun. Valve does that with all its games and makes it fun, with one glaring exception (and it should come as no surprise that there will be more on that later). Dead Space, System Shock 2, and BioShock made entire games out of that and kept it fun. You didn't. Twice. Which leads me to...

2) Halo: The Library

While The Library doesn't have the annoying interruptions from Gravemind and Cortana that stop the game to hear some nonsense I don't care about (and are replayed over and over if you die right after them like I did when playing on Heroic), the Library is a different breed of pointless. The Key is at least justified because its suppose to be a really hard mission and just fails to be fulfilling. The Library seems like a simulator to see how annoying the Flood can be. Wave after wave come with no reason behind it. I use to replay Halo 1 over and over until this level, then start over. Really. That's how much I hated this level. Sometimes I'd just skip over it, and sometimes, when I felt up for it, I'd play it, then remember how pointless it all was. Damn it all.

1) Half-Life 2: Ravenholm

"We don't go to Ravenholm." If only. When Gordon Freemen gets stuck in Ravenholm and separated from all the characters, it's an experience like no other in the game. Its all zombies all the time. The only good news is you just got the gravity gun, so killing zombies by launching saw blades at them is good fun for a couple of minutes. But the novelty wears off once fast zombies come into play and less than obvious level design makes for annoying backtracking and ledge searching. It breaks all pace in the game with a huge level that takes forever. Yes, reaching the end is fulfilling. But it wouldn't have to be fulfilling if they had just stuck 2 good levels in about fighting the combine out of Black Mesa East or something. The best parts of Half-Life 2 was the feeling like stumbling into houses and bases was almost like random instead of linear. Ravenholm traps the independence of the game without plot context or a feeling of importance. Just an unnecessary detour to give people something to complain about.

EDIT:

I apologize for not including oblivion gates from Oblivion and the sand snake level from Jedi Academy.

Top 10 Choices For The Next Superbowl Halftime Show

2010-02-08T11:41:00.003-05:00

As I was watching The Who's halftime performance at the Super Bowl, I couldn't help but feel like they were the last obvious choice for a top classic band. There are other bands from the era, but most are either unable to regroup (Led Zeppelin) or not mainstream enough (Rush). That means that next year they can go one of 3 ways.

1) Classic Solo Artist (like when they got Paul McCartney)

2) 80s Top Artist (like when they got Prince)

3) Huge Current Band (unprecedented in Rock, but been done before with Pop act, like Michael Jackson in 93 and collaborations of past years involving such acts as No Doubt and the infamous Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake act)

There are a few dark horses, like reforming classic bands like Sly and the Family Stone (unlikely though, since they're so out of the spotlight now), huge current acts that would put football fans off (Lady Gaga), and 80s bands that have fallen off (Guns & Roses). After that, I see 10 clear cut choices. I may be missing someone (and they will no doubt end up at the halftime show), but I think I've got the next logical choice somewhere in this list. The only two off the list that I can think of is Billy Joel (and I don't think he'd be big enough to highlight the halftime show) and Van Halen (who just got their original lineup back, but may be early for them). But we'll see.

Anyway, in order of most likely to least...

10) Queen and David Bowie

When I thought of this, I nearly shit myself. It's so obvious. You know that original Queen would be one of the best options, but losing someone like Freddie Mercury really puts a damper on the band. But if they put David Bowie in the mix, they can split songs or maybe somehow do a medley with Bohemian Rhapsody and end with Under Pressure. Somehow, I feel this is too tricky, and that's why it's 10. But if someone thinks of this, I think they'd give it more than a once over in the decision making process.

9) Metallica

Only 9 because their music isn't as mainstream, but on the list because their generation is hitting the age that will buy tickets. I think this could work, but it wouldn't please everyone. But hearing Enter Sandman at the Super Bowl would be kick ass.

8) The Police

They're technically not together, they've already had their "last reunion tour", and Sting already played at a halftime show. That being said, The Police is one of the last huge bands that hasn't played at halftime. I think if they throw enough money at them, they'd get them.

7) Elton John

Not really his forte, but he's a big enough name that he'd pull it off. Still, sort of a long shot. I don't see them going in this direction, but at the same time, I'm sure he's on the list.

6) Red Hot Chili Peppers

This would be a landmark halftime show, because it would open up the door for other current artists that are getting their stadium status (like Muse). However, they just lost their lead guitarist, arguably the most talented part of the band. If they can't get him back, I don't see it happening.

5) Bon Jovi

I'm sure Bon Jovi will get his halftime show eventually, since he's one of the biggest stadium bands of the 80s, but it may be a little early. Bands like them and Van Halen are probably near the top of the list too, but I feel like other bands from the era have to go first to see if they are well received.

4) Jay-Z

Sooner or later, they're gonna go this route. And Jay-Z is near the top of the world right now. If they get him, throw in some other guests like Beyonce, Alicia Keys, or Kanye West, and you'd have a pretty solid halftime show. It's just whether or not this is the year or not. They might wait for someone else to get big or go old school, but I just don't see like Snoop Dogg or Lil' Wayne highlighting the Super Bowl halftime show.

Warning: We're hitting realistic territory with the top 3

3) Eric Clapton

One of the only logical choices left for huge solo artist from the classic generation. This would be a great halftime show, but I'm getting this feeling they want a stadium band for next year, which logically leads to one of the following 2...

2) AC/DC

1) Kiss

Aren't these like the only 2 obvious options? More Kiss, since they're more mainstream, but these are ideal bands right? Huge draws, huge songs, and calling them stadium bands is like calling Jesus a religious figure, or a rose a flower, or Glenn Beck obnoxious. It's almost so understated, it's cliche. Either of these bands would be perfect, and I'd be shocked if they didn't get them or at least try to in the next 10 years.

Guitar Rifts That Will Embarrass You In Public

2010-02-05T10:12:00.005-05:00

Sorry, I've been busy lately, with school, Lost, not thinking of topics, and most importantly, playing Mass Effect 2. My return happens...now.

Ever heard a song come on that just gets your blood pumping? For some, it's house music. For others rap, r&b, and even Lady Gaga can fit the bill. But for most of you that actually read this, it's hard rock. Hard rock started out in the 60s. The bands listed then are ones like Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath. These bands set the groundwork for both hard rock and heavy metal.

Now, ever since then, the heavy guitar rift has been a hang bangers dream. But what if you aren't at a show? Say, for instance, you're walking around in a Newberry Comics, or a Pac Sun maybe (though I doubt they'd play that music, it's hard thinking of places that don't just play that damn Tick-Tock song over and over). All of a sudden one of these songs comes on. For most of us (Us being, you the readers. Or reader. Not quite sure. I've been gone a while. Is it like Animal Crossing where they forget you after a month of not playing? I should do that cause it's been like 4 years since I played. I wonder if that nerdy duck is back. I digress. I wish I could do footnotes.), we make a motion that can look like anything ranging from awkwardness to mental disability. From head banging to jumping air guitar, these are the songs that ruin your first impression with the girl across the aisle looking for a Taylor Swift CD (But if she's looking for the Suicide Machines, you're probably fine. Fun Fact about that video, the kid in red is no where near playing his electric guitar, which is also not plugged in. And this is the second worst school video project I've seen where people are pretending to play instruments on cars.).

Rage Against The Machine - Bulls On Parade

This song is the inspiration to this list. Every time the rift starts, I feel in necessary to spin around air-guitaring. I could list about 10 more RAtM songs here, but I think this one works the best. Also gets points for having a sick bass line as well and awesome lead guitar.

Smashing Pumpkins - Zero

This one is odd for the rest of the list (as you'll see) in that, while the intro rift is good, the embarrassing part doesn't come till the bridge, where generally the unaware rocker will throw in a hop to hit the chorus. Oops.

Wolfmother - New Moon Rising

With all due respect to Joker & The Thief, New Moon Rising's intro rift and chorus rift are enough of a combo to get anyone breaking out a little air guitar. Just don't try to sing it. I assure you, it ends badly.

Led Zeppelin - Kashmir

The abruptness of the this intro gets you to bob your head before you start noticing. This leads to a brief check of the area around. If the coast is clear, head bobbing resumes.

Every White Stripes Song

Moving on...

System of a Down - Toxicity

This song is tricky. Sometimes, if a public place is noisy, you can't hear the intro rift, so when the drum hits, you're caught off guard, and can't stop the head bang that just occurred, or the blood running out of your head and onto those Guns & Roses watches at Hot Topic, which you need to buy now, but it's cool, they're totally punk rock.

Sum 41 - The Hell Song

This one's tricky. Most people are harder pressed to admit to liking Sum 41 than Miley Cyrus these days. The poor guys couldn't really get the pop punk community to take them seriously, and got tossed in with the brutally worse Simple Plan. Seriously. This song talks about getting over problems. Simple Plan does that too, uh, kinda. At least it's less embarrassing to doing a spinning air guitar like Cone and Dave than to be complaining that no one knows how you feel even though every fucking person has had problems in their life. Thanks Simple Plan.

Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American

Guaranteed jumping resulting. Or your money back!

Muse - Supermassive Black Hole

This one creates a gyration motion that will win you approximately 0 of the ladies. Maybe it's just me. Still, that correlation doesn't really work, as there is a third variable that causes the effect of both. And that variable is the brain damage. Thanks research methods!

Every Popular Offspring Song

I swear their concerts are just kids acting retarded. They don't have many hardcore fans like Rage Against the Machine or System of a Down has, it's mostly sell out kids now (not that I can talk...). Though I still like Offspring, the beginning of You're Gonna Go Far Kid sounds like a damn All-American Rejects song. They get points though, since all their songs hook you for different reasons. Even Why Don't You Get A Job always gets me in trouble cause after I realize what song it is I always end up finishing the first lyric ("and he hates that BITCH!") before I see the mother and baby nearby giving me dirty looks. I didn't think babies could give dirty looks.

Soundgarden - Spoonman

Getting back to basics. Rough rift and opening line. May have been screamed in the street before...

Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit

Before this list gets too long (too late, I made you watch like 20 videos), I'll end it with one of the only ones no one would fault you for. Along with some AC/DC, Black Sabbath, and Guns & Roses songs, it is generally acceptable to act out on these in public, cause the people not doing it secretly wish they were too, or they have just accepted this part of mental retardation in our society. Speaking of retardation, let's end on the song that best brings out mine...

The Hives - Tick Tick Boom

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Top 20 Lost Characters

2010-01-16T21:20:00.004-05:00

In honor of the last season of Lost, (which is sort of like one giant party for a friend before they go off to college across the country; you know you'll probably never see each other again, but you'll aways have the memories, only difference is Lost doesn't have a Facebook) I've decided to list my top Lost Characters. Now, this list is MINE. It isn't really a favorite list, but it isn't really a objective list either. It's some where in the middle. It's more a list from my perspective. Some people are higher in my views (13 and 11 when you get to them) and some are lower (16, 12, and 5) than others think. It's just how I feel.

My thought process was mostly down to these 3 factors:

1) Do they hold my attention? When they come on screen, do I get pumped, or am I like, "oh, whatever."?

2) Are they entertaining? Do they have good lines, story arcs, and great moments that stay with you?

3) When they have a centric episode, is my reaction good or bad?

I had this list at 20, but it's impossible to figure out who is where from 21 on. Did Tom do more than Mikhail? What about Rose and Bernard? Was Shannon really that annoying? How much has Eloise done? Walt was important, but how important? Libby was interesting, but how much? Ana Lucia killed a lot of people and had a shocking death, but was she around long enough? I can't stand it. My only regret is that Ethan didn't make the list, because I feel he's an intriguing character that did more than everyone thinks, but he can't be put in the top 20.

Well, anyway, in reverse order, here they are.

Warning: Spoilers for all episodes up to The Incident (season 5 finale). I will be giving away plot detail. You've been warned.

Honorable Mention) Leslie Arzt

A handful of characters in my list are there solely due to one episode. Arzt may be the only character that's here for 5 seconds. Probably the funniest and most startling death in the series, poor Arzt's demise was etched into Losties memories. Even spawning a hilarious line (Dude, you got some Arzt on you) that became a shirt, that I owned, but woefully misplaced. If anyone's seen it, contact me.

20) Jacob's nemesis

I'm working under the mentality that every weird appearance (Christian, Juliet's therapist, Eko's brother) was him. I'm also working off the mentality that the Smoke Monster is either him or directly under his control. Lostpedia (the Lost Wikipedia) doesn't state all this, cause it isn't proven, even though he was blatantly Alex in the last season since Locke kept wandering off screen when Smokey or an apparition appeared. The reason he's not higher is lack of motive and appearance over the seasons. Another character who will likely rise. But right now it almost seems like he's a giant series cop out (Eko's actor wanted to leave Hawaii? Have Smokey kill him!). I'm waiting.

19) Richard Alpert

I had a long, long look at Richard Alpert. I decided to put him in the list. He doesn't do much, and is more on here for intrigue. But that's just the thing. Every time you see him, don't you get interested? He almost exemplifies the answers everyone craves. He represents the Island's and the Others' history. That, and the fact that he is a constant force in time of Season 5 gives him a spot over the likes of Ana Lucia and Tom who were both good, but not over a long enough time and grew stale.

18) Danielle Rousseau

Shrouded in mystery for a while, Danielle had a great backstory that was finally completed last season oddly enough at the beginning. Another character that was great for a cameo appearance to stir the pot, she makes this list for being an interesting character throughout her tenure on Lost.

17) Mr. Eko

I'm sure he would've been higher if Triple A didn't need to leave Hawaii, but he did, so his character was killed off. All he has now is being badass and hitting people with sticks. Which is still awesome.

16) Kate Austen

Has a character's stock ever dropped more? She's starting to have no redeeming qualities, and her episodes are usually boring (especially recently). Her Aaron storyline last year was boring, her problems with Jack are redundant, and all she does is fuck things up for Sawyer. Also, did I mention she's the main reason the bomb blew up? If this was made after Season 2, she'd probably be 5. But her few good episodes (Tabula Rasa, Born To Run, I Do) don't make up for her complete shitstorm the last few seasons.

15) Sun-Hwa Kwon

14) Jin-Soo Kwon

I basically put them together because their episodes are usually intertwined and until last season, most of their actions were because of the other. Overall, I think Jin is a stronger character because his backstory is a little more interesting, but they are almost interchangeable. They are good members of the survivor crew as they stand for the morality that is questioned throughout the series and their decisions that make them stronger as people and characters.

13) Boone Carlyle

This character is such a tragedy. Not because of his untimely death. But because it ruined a character who was just getting his stride. Earlier, he was held down as annoying because of Shannon (who is noticeably off the list since she's so damn annoying) and his obliviousness. We wrote him off. Then he surged back as Locke's disciple. Right as he was coming off a great backstory and centric episode, he was killed off. His few appearances since have not made up for the loss that could've been.

12) Jack Shepard

Hardest person to place. He brings things to the table (Jackface, first season antics, fighting with Locke, fall from grace off island) but has too many problems (love stories not believable, some flashbacks are boring and pointless, tattoos episode, whiny). He gets this high because he has been involved in some great moments and has some great lines. But overall, he's just not as strong as the top 10. However, it's easy to argue him over 11, but that's because I really like...

11) Charlie Pace

I love Charlie as a character. Personally, he is my favorite character to root for. But that doesn't make him my favorite character. Unfortunately, I feel this is the writing crew's biggest ball drop, as Charlie could've easily been a top 10 character, but instead, he's stuck as a second tier character that got shafted. His drug problems, Claire problems, and imminent death problems made Charlie always seem out of favor with the audience. We were always rooting for him to change instead of to succeed. He was a troubled character with a great backstory, but he does not really make the cut. Despite great moments (the Ethan saga, kissing Claire, Not Penny's Boat), he is stuck at #11.

10) Miles Straume

Easily the breakout regular of the freighter (if you raise your hand in question, notice I used the word "regular"). Miles became a great complement to the likes of Sawyer and Hurley. His sarcasm and dry wit work fantastic with the jungle walkers and the Dharma folk. His backstory, while short, is strong an effective. Probably the character with the most potential and momentum going into the final season of the second tier characters (and by that I mean Sun, Jin, Desmond, Claire, and sometimes Hurley and Sayid, depending on the storyline).

9) Michael Dawson

Has a character ever had 2 great comebacks? Michael has. Michael was arguably the main impact player for the first 2 seasons. He battled with Locke, built the raft, had a solid backstory, and, of course, pulled the biggest move of the second season (killing Ana Lucia and Libby and freeing Ben). His return in Season 4 was awesome, even though predictable. His story arc was one of the few that was completed in a timely fashion so that you weren't left with questions but didn't really need more.

8) Juliet Burke

Juliet surged from a lesser character to a main stay in the last season. Before she was just a mix in the love triangle between Jack, Sawyer, and Kate. Now, she's the one that all the women root for and everyone wants to be happy. Her decisions are always wise and quick. She has a powerful nature about her that gets business done. Add that to her strong backstory and she surges to the 8 spot.

7) Hugo "Hurley" Reyes

Hurley is a weird character to place. He isn't really directly involved in the main plot, putting him a step behind the likes of Locke, Jack, Sawyer, and Kate. But at the same time, no one would say he isn't a main character. The main source of comic relief, Hurley is a lovable character with a tortured past and a rocky future. Everyone wants him to succeed and live, but at the same time he's mostly out of the limelight. But he gives us great moments (starting the van, relationship with Libby, and getting back with his father) enough to put him in the 7 spot.

6) Sayid Jarrah

Like Hurley, Sayid can be out of the limelight sometimes, but when he's in it, he keeps it. His centric episodes are mostly really good and his on island activities are all very strong. Sayid is the glue that keeps the survivors together. He does all the dirty work (electronic work, torturing for information, working for Ben to protect the survivors) and gets little spotlight. But he's always a force in the plots he's involved in.

5) Desmond Hume

The ultimate good guy. Everyone's rooting for him. Even more than Hurley. I only have 2 problems with Desmond. One, his story arc is basically finished (despite Eloise saying otherwise). Two, he isn't involved in the "everyday" grind. Everything Desmond does is top quality. His episodes are great. He has all the experimental episodes that go over fantastically (Flashes Before Your Eyes and The Constant). He has great lines and better moments. But that being said, he just misses so much everyday stuff. He is absent from a lot of episodes. Because of this, I can't put him higher.

4) Daniel Faraday

Now this might seem a bit hypocritical. I just put Desmond 5 for basically the same flaws that Daniel has. Only Faraday's are worse. He's in LESS episodes. His story arc is COMPLETELY finished. However, Faraday is much more intriguing. Desmond was interesting when he was the guy in the hatch and when he was going after Penny, sure. But every damn thing Faraday does is brilliant. His episodes are also among the best. Arguably the best episode (The Constant) is about both of them. His first appearance was fantastic, his last equally so. He commands the camera when he's on the screen. And most importantly, he drives plot like no one else. Every time he shows up, shit goes down. That's why he's higher than Desmond.

3) John Locke

Locke was one of the hardest to place. A lot of people would have him at 2, some even at 1. I can't do it. He's 3 to me. He has one of the best episodes, probably the best of the first season (Walkabout), but his episodes can be hit or miss. He was the strongest character for the first 2 seasons, that's for sure. However, Ben started overshadowing, and he had a relatively slow season last year (since it wasn't him on the island half the time) and his off island episode was overshadowed by Ben. Through 2 seasons he's 1. Through 4 seasons he's 2, arguably still 1. Through 5, he's 3. It's sad but true. Maybe after all is said and done next year, he'll be higher. But at the moment, he's just a very strong 3.

2) James "Sawyer" Ford

I was never a big Sawyer fan early on. I liked Jack more than Sawyer season one (though Sawyer's episodes were much better). Around season 3, I started liking Sawyer more. Last season whatever residual dislike I had for Sawyer went away. He got away from Kate (mostly), settled down with Juliet, and finally, FINALLY got to play leader. Sawyer as a leader easily trumped Jack, and even Locke to a point. Sawyer would've been 5th or 6th 2 years ago. Now he's 2. I think this is his ceiling. I can't see him ever being one. Mostly because...

1) Ben Linus

Ben wasn't around the entire first season, which many say is the best. But to say Ben isn't the best character is just an outright lie. Ben manipulates EVERYTHING. He controlled season 3, almost literally. Even when things started slipping from him when the freighter was after him, it just got better as we started cheering for him when he joined up with the survivors. But then we flipped and started rooting against him as he killed Locke (then tried to play it off like it was his plan). He has funny lines, outstanding moments, and is almost better when he becomes weak, one of the few characters that do. It's amazing to watch him. He is the best character on TV.

That being said, after this season, this list could jump around. Locke could be 1. Jack could skyrocket if he has a major twist that many have been calling (Jack could possibly be evil in some way the whole time). Jacob and Jacob's Nemesis could easily grow as characters. So much could happen. It's been a great ride so far, can't wait for the great finish.

The Eulogy of Sean Tivnan's Fantasy Football Season

2010-01-08T17:02:00.004-05:00

Folks, we are gathered here today to pay homage to one of the best rookie Fantasy Seasons in recent memory. Now, I know most of you do not know Mr. Tivnan, but I assure you that does not make this any less tragic.

(Also, for those that do not follow fantasy sports, or even the NFL, I'll save you some time and allow you to go on with your internet agenda. Don't worry I'll wait for you to leave.)

Sean's season began with great promise. Drafting in the same room as me, his season got off to a solid start. He had the misfortune of drafting 7th, but with our league, this really meant he was drafting about 5th, because, well, people are dumb. He quickly snapped up DeAngelo Williams with the first pick, assuming that he would continue his ~~fluke~~ great play into the next season. Not wanting to pick his nemesis (Peyton Manning) and wanting a core of good running backs, he selected Steven Jackson on the way back. It should be noted that he did not select the much better ranked Steve Slaton that may or may not have slipped to Bender at pick 20, who may or may not have had a much more productive season if he had the chance to select someone else instead.

He then made value picks the rest of the way, getting a core receiving squad and grabbing Aaron Rodgers, who is a lot more valuable in leagues that don't give negative points for sacks or else is final point total would've been about 32.6. He did almost everything right. Picked up quality mid rounders and sleepers (DeSean Jackson in the 8th, Ray Rice in the 10th). He only really slumped at the end, picking the wrong QB (Jake Delhomme) then managing to pick the one he wanted (Trent Edwards) that I (correctly) pointed out also sucked. Some may have called him a fool for not picking Brett Farve (ouch) or David Garrard instead of LenDale White, but not me. Okay, maybe a little. He also managed to pick one of the only kickers that got cut this year (Nick Folk).

He then promptly lost his first game to Bender (who failed to start 3 WR since Kevin Walter was hurt). He then pulled off a win over a Lumberjacks team that failed to start Chris Johnson. A mistake the Lumberjacks would not make twice. Probably fueled by Sean's taunting of "way to bench Johnson haha" in the smack talk area.

It was this time that he realized DeSean Jackson was a great starter at WR and started openly shopping Hines Ward. He also dropped Zach Miller for Vernon Davis, making his passing offense nearly unmatchable. He also had his turn with the slut pickups of the year (the players everyone has for a week then dumps), this year being Larry Johnson, Steve Breaston, and Bernard Berrian.

He then made the unpredictable trade of his extra meat (Ray Rice, Hines Ward, and a still considered flukey DeSean Jackson) for Maurice Jones-Drew and the corpses of Santana Moss and TO (seriously, did they ever catch more than 5 passes a game?). Unfortunately for him, MJD came at the stipulation that he would be traded back in 2 weeks if either team was unhappy needless to say the other owner ~~was terrorized by me until he agreed to trade back~~ came to his senses and traded back so Tivnan was back with his original core. Though one could make an argument that his integrity was in the right place (others may say he should've said bugger off and offered Santana Moss for Clinton Portis).

Tivnan got on a tear and gained enough wins to set his seat for the playoffs (despite losing to Bender again, Lumberjacks, and the kid he traded MJD with twice). Somehow though, he didn't have to face Bender in the playoffs, so he dodged his first bullet.

It was about that time that he decided to gut his core team (or he had too many Jacksons, one or the other). He really wanted Randy Moss. So he traded Vincent Jackson, Steven Jackson, and the Green Bay DEF for Moss, Mario Manningham, and Lawrence Maroney. Some (me) may say this was dumb and over-coaching (and when I say you're over-coaching, you listen). Some also say (Sean) that Welker was too much more to ask, and he got other quality in return (I'm not really sure if I'd call either Manningham or Maroney quality, more like complete hit or miss).

In the playoffs, he made short work of Greene Machine (managed by someone who had many other leagues and cared not about ours) and looked at the Lumberjacks in the final.

The Lumberjacks had learned of Chris Johnson's value (anywhere from best fantasy back since Marshall Faulk to best fantasy back since Barry Sanders), and were playing him expecting no less than 20 points per game. He also had the 2 best pickups of the season in Miles Austin and Ricky Williams. So things were not looking Tivz' way.

And if this was a Hollywood movie, this is where I say Sean fought the good fight and won. This is not Hollywood. Chris Johnson got 24 points. Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates combined for over 30 points. Hell, even Robert Meachem managed to get 13. Sean got Randy Moss to put up 22.5 and Ray Rice even managed 13.5 against the Steelers. But it was not enough to save him.

Sean did fight the good fight, and shouldn't be discouraged. Sure, he tries to make trades constantly rather than stick with his current team and play the waiver wire. Sure, he bails out his rivals after their star running back goes down. Sure, he picked up Devone Bess and tried to defend it. But that's okay, if this was a keeper league, he'd have a great team next year. But it's not. So look forward to more of the same. Happy 2nd place Sean, I'm gunning for the trophy!

Store Employees

2009-12-31T15:05:00.003-05:00

Ever notice that some places always have the same kinda people working there? Me too.

(I'm making up for my ridiculously long intros the past month)

In no order...

1) Newbury Comics

Holy crap why? It's like gauges, lip piercings, and neck tattoos are required to work there. Also, you need to always wear black clothing, and whenever a good rock song comes on, you have to go to the back and switch it to some underground acoustic band no one cares about. I once wore a Unity College ultimate frisbee shirt to one (the shirt read "Big Worm Revolution" since their name is Big Worm, and had a picture of an anarchic worm on it) and the girl behind the counter and I had the following exchange:

Girl: Hey, killer shirt!

Me: Thanks, I got it in Maine last week.

Girl: You go to the show? (Note: Not a show, THE show)

Me (playing along): Yeah, it was great.

Girl: Yeah, my friend went to a show in Maine last week.

Me (pretending to care): Oh yeah, it was sweet.

Girl: Yeah...(looking at the new Green Day CD I'm buying), uh...(looking confused) is this it?

Me: Yup!

This was almost as good as when I bought N.W.A. and the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack at the same time.

2) Best Buy

Best Buy seemingly has 2 kinds of employees. First, they have the floor people, who are generally either those kids in high school that were popular but also good at computers, or the people good with computers who lack social skills. But more importantly, we have the Geek Squad. Here's the thing. I've only encountered the Geek Squad twice, and from the same Best Buy, so I could be wrong. The Geek Squad seems to literally be the best of the best. It was like they took every kid in high school that was great at computers and somehow managed to have a personality and put them on the Geek Squad. Everyone there I've met was friendly and knowledgeable. None were condescending and it rather surprised me how generally nice to be around they were.

3) Pac Sun

Pac Sun I've noticed holds a weird distinction. At every Aeropostle, American Eagle, Hollister, and Abercrombie and Fitch there are the same people. They're really really preppy and generally look good. Pac Sun has managed to hire every person that doesn't "get it." It's always someone who's trying too hard to stand out, or couldn't find an identity so they threw themselves in to skater clothes, or worst, the people who think they're hardcore and punk, and just really really aren't. Now, I like Pac Sun, but I don't go around saying I'm punk because I bought a lidded Hurley beanie or a DC sweatshirt.

4) Hot Topic

I've never been inside one on principle, but I'm guessing that the people that work there are all tools? Am I right? I am? Sweet.

5) Game Stop

Poor Game Stop employees. They have such a bad gig. The idea was to have one place that sells all the video game stuff so that nerds would go there to shop. Instead, moms and grandmas go there to shop for their kids and grandkids, respectively, looking for some kinda deal. Normally, this would be fine, but there's one major problem. Game Stop only hires nerds. Some nerds have patience, others don't. Most are nice enough, but others are pretentious.

But no one, repeat, no one deserves to be more condescending than them at the holiday season. I've seen it. I was in line to buy a game last year for my friend Vaz (there's your shout out Vaz, now celebrate with a high pitched "Yay!"). There were 3 people in front of me. The first person asked which games for the DS were the best. The guy behind the counter gave a generic, but good answer ("It depends what he's into..."). It didn't take. The guy kept asking him about specific games ("How about this Wario Ware thing...") until he eventually left after realizing maybe he should ASK THE FUCKING KID. The next was 2 ladies. They complained that they bought a game there the day before, but lacked the receipt. They were demanding a free trade for the same game on a different system (they evidently had bought it on PS3, when the needed it for the 360). It would've been fine, if they just had the receipt. They also left to go home, to search for the receipt, but not before complaining that they should have a system that covers that (THEY DO! IT'S CALLED KEEP THE FUCKING RECEIPT!). Lastly (I've been there basically over 15 minutes now, and I was so close), there's the mother I dread. First off, her 2 kids are zooming around saying "look at this" and bumping into people, as she doesn't care (after all, they're her little angels!). She then announces she needs to buy ("wait, what was it? Nicky! Hey, Nicky! Jonathon, put that down! Nicky! What was that game again?") Sonic Unleashed, which had just come out. That day. Turns out, in true Game Stop fashion, they were sold out of non-pre-ordered copies. Uh oh. She suggests they look in the back. The guy tries telling her they aren't going to be in the back. But, at wits end, she pleads that he try. So then he proceeds to the back room. Making me and everyone else wait, while her damn kids run around like barbarians, as the Game Stop employee goes to the back and most likely just sits there doing nothing. Sure enough, no game. She leaves, angrily. Then the poor nerd looks at me. Please, please just be buying something you want and that's it. I quickly state "tough day, huh?" He looks at me like the guardian of the Gates of Hell. "You have no idea."

Devil's Advocate: Cry Me a River

2009-12-26T11:16:00.006-05:00

I'd like to introduce a great column series I've seen on other sites. There are a couple of columns online I've seen called something around the lines of "In Defense Of..." or "Devil's Advocate." These columns always feature something or someone that has been (usually justifiably) thrown under the bus and/or publicly ridiculed. These columns usually feature bullet point lists of reasons why things aren't as bad as they seem. When I was an active wrestling fan (on and off basically my whole life, I'm not gonna say I stopped being one cause I check WWE.com every once and a while, and I watch TNA some Saturday mornings), I use to check this website 411mania. They had wrestling columns and news, and also a lot of columns on movies and music (another reason why I got big into pop culture around high school). They would have columns for wrestlers like Triple H, who was married to Stephanie McMahon in real life, who happened to be the lead creative director, which many have speculated directly led to Triple H seemingly winning the WWE Title over and over and over and holding it for almost unheard of amounts of time in WWE's world. They would also have columns for stars like Mel Gibson after his anti-semitic rant. ESPN had a series about this called "Top 5 Reasons You Can't Blame...", discussing such topics as Scott Norwood's missed field goal and Len Bias' death. Overall, I do love to look at situations from every angle and going against the grain. So I thought it was a great addition to my column.

(Also, I'm very close to stopping the use of the word Blog when I refer to this. Online column sounds better. Makes me sound both more professional and less pretentious. You say something like "on my blog..." and everyone thinks your some dumb ass hipster who rights about why society is falling apart and the youth are under appreciated. News flash, that's been happening forever, our generation is not special, just the topics change. Saying column sounds like you have opinions that some one else wants to hear, but in a casual, everyday sorta way. Wait, doesn't this make me more pretentious because I'm assuming people want to hear me talk? Moving on...)

So anyway, Cry Me A River was a song by Justin Timberlake (who's last name sounds like a Mario Kart course through a forest stream or a summer camp for kids [edit: IT IS!]), made a song that ~~was~~ may or may not have been about Brittany Spears. The music video portrays Justin Timberlake breaking into a girl's house and sneaking around (while defying gravity) and cheating on his already unfaithful girlfriend's bed, then leaving a tape of it for his girlfriend to find.

Cry Me A River was one of those songs that got so popular that everyone's mom knew about it and tween girls started telling everyone to "cry me a river" whenever they broke up with one of their boyfriends after dating them for 2 hours. I was in Jr. High when this came out, right about when I started getting into popular music. (And by popular music, I mean Creed and Nickelback. I know this is like showing pictures of a 13 year old Derek Jeter playing for the Red Sox on his Little League team, or a monk having a cheerleader girlfriend in high school, or Hayden Christiansen acting well in his high school rendition of Grease, but bear with me.) Cry Me A River came out and I gave it the same treatment as I gave similar songs like that at the time: This is shit.

See, I was trying to carve my niche. At first I started listening to popular rap, like Petey Pablo and N.O.R.E., trying to fit in. Then I started going all skater punk, and started listening to Sum 41 and Simple Plan. In both cases, I missed the mark. With more NOW CDs then friends, I eventually slipped into the whole Weird Al and classic rock safety all nerds do. We nerds are a predictable group. We stick by the classics and shun everything else saying it's crap that's not inspired. We wrap ourselves up either in Classic Rock like The Who and The Rolling Stones, or go for the progressive rock craze and listen to Pink Floyd and Rush while staying completely sober because we didn't know any better (yes, you read that right).

So while universally panning the top 40, we ignored some great songs. Cry Me A River is one of them. It could arguably be one of the top songs of the decade. Timberlake, who is actually a very good musician aside from his pop career, tells a personal tale of betrayal and revenge that flows very well and hits a deep nerve. I still find it weird that girls like this song. I figure they would think Timberlake was a creep and vindictive. But whatever. I will (finally) start listing points (in no order) on why you should take a second look at this song and the music video if you are like me and shunned this song as poppy bullshit as you tried to stray from the popular crowd. I will explain why I think it's good, and give commentary on what I think the meaning of different parts are.

1) The opening with the deep voice is foreboding and sets the tone for the rest of the song. With the catchy synth line, the opening immediately grabs the attention of the listener. And the attention stays for the entire song.

2) Timberlake has a great voice. It may be boy-bandy and whiny, but it works perfectly for this song.

3) The clever change in tone on the word "him" in the bridge is almost like a hammer dropping. It's chilling and final. If this was a movie scene, this would be were the dead silence was after a major plot point was just revealed. Timberlake also manages to spit this line with disgust while also still sounding good.

4) There is a very slick presentation to this video. Most guys have gotten burned by girls in the past; whether it was to the point of cheating or not is a different story. But the whole look where he's in the rain with the hoodie up pretty much embodies the mood. The opening verse isn't about revenge yet, so it's just him angry and sad.

5) The line "Your bridges were burned and now it's your turn to cry" is the defining line of the song, and is perfectly timed.

6) Once he breaks into the house and starts jumping around, it's creepy and stylish. It's almost as if he's saying "I'll always be around somewhere in your mind, you won't be able to shake me."

7) Kicking the picture was a cool touch. It shows his anger, but also his excitement for revenge.

8) The girl on the bed is hot.

9) An underlying theme is that he still cares about how she feels, even if it's just pain. When the girl's kissing him and biting his lip. He's not interacting with her at all, he's just looking at the camera. It's all made out of spite, no other emotion.

10) This song is one of the only ones that I enjoy the background repeating vocals. Usually this seems gratuitous and annoying. Like in This I Promise You by 'N Sync, JC Chasez is just screaming lyrics over the chorus like the Proclaimers.

11) The fade out is a nice touch because it's like he's ripping off ties with the girl as she sees the tape at the end of the video. Am I looking too much into this? Probably.

So, overall, we have a song that most of us shunned in J. High or High School because it wasn't in our pop culture zone. I say you give this another listen. Don't blindly shun things. You'll miss out on good rap (like Notorious B.I.G.), good current rock (like Cage The Elephant), and good pop music, like this. And if you still don't care, I'm sorry to waste your time. Wait, no, no I'm not.

Notes:

This song never hit number 1. We were too busy with Ashanti, J-Lo, Eminem, and Usher. Whom I all like over Black Eyed Peas now holding the top of the chart with songs that just repeat bullshit for 3 minutes.

The shot to the girl's back where she clearly has a tramp stamp is some great unintentional comedy in this day and age. Of the girls who got tramp stamps in the last 10 years, I'm going to say 75% of them regret them. At least. You can't be classy with that anymore, it's almost reaching turnoff status. But back then, it was all the rage. I would compare the tramp stamp to Tommy John surgery in baseball. You know you'll never be the same and it's gonna be horrible later in life, but all that matters is this time of your life because it's all downhill from here.

Timberland's part of this song is so unnecessary, I attempted to do a list about featuring artists that were completely unnecessary, but I couldn't find enough that were this bad. He said the same line 4 times. That was his entire contribution lyrically.

I will probably be called gay at least 5 times due to this list.

I should also note that this Devil's Advocate is different than the usual one would be. Most of the time I'll be listing points to defend something. This is less defending it and more proving why it's good. Cry Me a River did nothing wrong other than attracting millions of teenage girls who annoy the crap out of everyone.

How To Start A Pop Punk Band

2009-12-20T21:57:00.010-05:00

First off, you need band members. This is simple. You are the lead singer and rhythm guitarist. All you need is a guitar and something that sets you apart from the group, like dyed hair, or an oddball piercing. Maybe you wear a tie, or everyone wears white and you wear black (cause you're so deep). And don't worry about playing guitar. Just kinda strum and unplug your guitar, no one will know. Now, you need a skinny quiet guy with no personality (lead guitarist, so he doesn't hog your chicks), a big, hefty guy (bassist, to carry the shit before you get roadies), and a surprisingly good drummer, because they'll tag on to any band that's getting famous because they can't start their own (Also, never get attached to your drummer, since you should be able to replace him when you start getting famous for a better drummer. This isn't new.).

Next, you need a ~~clever~~ really, really random name. The bar has been raised so high now. Before you could just take a random verb and a number or a sporting statistic. Now you need to be not only obscure, but you have to get at least 3 words. You can either go with random articles of clothing to sound stylish, go controversial to gain ironic fans, but alienate an entire culture, or just start throwing shit at the walls. To play along, I will do the same with the wonderfully fun Band Automatic Name Generator. Proud Face Doofus. Fantastic.

So, now you need Proud Face Doofus to get popular with the local crowd. These are the 15 year old girls that need to be screaming via Twitter that they knew about you "SOOO LONG AGOOOOOOOO" (note: add an O in correlation of how long ago they SO knew about you). But you need a song. It needs to be a song that speaks to these girls. So make it about the girls running away with you for just one night. For sex? Hell ~~yes~~ no (until you're 18)! It's about a couple that just falls in love one for one night and doesn't ruin it with any stupid games or anything. You have to make sure this becomes your hit single. If it takes 2 albums to get famous, you need to re-release it or make a song exactly like it. Or make a career doing songs like it. Once this becomes popular, you're set with the ladies. Or you could fall into obscurity without getting famous while your best song gets misrepresented by bands like Taking Back Sunday and The Starting Line on Limewire.

Now you need a CD. The cover is simple. Have a weird ass drawing. Or random objects. Show the long shot of a city with a color filter. Or just put all the band members on the cover. Whatever. Now make the first song your peppy hit. Second, a harder song that gets the crowd pumped (you'll need this on tours). Then let the rest of the band/writing staff (your "entourage") come up with 3-6 and 8-whatever except the last one.

Now, this is very crucial. You know that really important love track you made that's deeply special to you. Make it vague and generic so it can apply to any girl. If it's acoustic, put it last on the CD, or even a secret song. If it's more upbeat, put it like 7th, in between that song the bassist wrote and the song that shows you're artsy side (that no one understands). If it's 7th, make the last song a slow song that only your true fans know (it'll be their favorite song, and they'll shun every fan that doesn't know it by heart). But if the last song is the really special one, you have you hit the jackpot. This is your second hit. This will be your encore song. It'll hit number 1 for like 5 weeks. You can then make the 7th song another peppy generic song and the label will pay for it to be overplayed so maybe you make a few extra bucks. Meanwhile, your love ballad gets overplayed until all the haters are screaming at you that you sold out and you use to be cool (when you never were, so hey, credit for that!). Then, you'll make enough money to buy decent clothes, and hopefully land some kinda C-list celebrity after she falls off the face of the earth (which is convenient, cause you will too soon!) Ultimately, you'll become a two-hit wonder, and you'll fall into obscurity.

Years later, around 2018, college kids will remember your music from when they were 9 and 10 and the nostalgia will make you a pseudo celebrity to them. You'll live off touring at local college campuses will continuing to play songs off your new CD that no one bought, except your now totally obscure wife, and will wait patiently for you to play the two songs they care about. Eventually, you'll get a job in an upstart label that signs young bands like you once were just to sign with bigger labels. But it was fun while it lasted, right?

*************

Fun notes I realized while making this:

I attended a show where two of the bands playing had CDs who's cover was just a couch in an odd location (Paramore's All We Know Is Falling and opening band The Invite's Daydream EP, which had a couch in the forest and on a beach, respectively).

I'd Do Anything by Simple Plan never charted (despite it being the only song I secretly enjoyed by them), therefore making them a two-hit wonder (Perfect and Welcome To My Life).

Panic! at the Disco brought back the exclamation point to their band. Guess we can cancel the Amber Alert on that one...

All-American Rejects are so generic, it makes me sick. They keep topping themselves. Gives You Hell just repeats the same lyric over and over. And I thought Swing, Swing was repetitive. When I was in Jr. High!

Okay, I'm finished. No seriously, I like some of these bands really. Just not Yellowcard.

Top 10 Current Bands That Give Me Hope For The Future

2009-12-03T18:39:00.005-05:00

To say I am pop culture snob is sort of true. I try to keep up with all the movies, actors, TV shows, video games, and even politics. I'm good at knowing what's popular in the country (except fashion, but I'm not alone), I keep up with award shows, and love having discussions about movies and TV shows. That being said, most current music I am completely ignorant to. I miss most popular songs until they're old and not popular. Most of the bands you'll eventually see on this list I got into way after they were popular. This is mostly due to my complete avoidance of the radio and illegally downloaded music. Most who know me are familiar with my arrogance (and in some people's perspective, stupidity) with not having any music illegally downloaded (though technically you aren't even allowed to rip CDs you own to your computer without getting sued for 1.92 million bucks) (okay, that maybe a stretch, but in that case they attempted to make that the law, so I've been told by Cracked.com, and they're a great source for information). I also avoid the radio since I love listening to albums in track order, and buying the CD and listening to it while driving is one of the best forms to appreciate this. Together these forces make me avoid most songs that aren't played 300 times a day on every radio station at my college (I'm looking at you Use Somebody and Poker Face). But, despite this, I do try to keep a few bands near to me that seem to stick out of the crap that usually fills up "alternative rock stations." If your fan base is predominantly people younger than 18 (Boys Like Girls) you are not a rock band.

Anyway, ranting over. These are the current bands that I like that makes me glad that this generation hasn't completely gone to shit, and good bands can still make music.

First off: Honorable Mentions

The Strokes - I haven't heard their latest CD, and while I like them, I'm not in love with them. They're one of those bands that I'll always leave on when they're on iTunes, but I get sick of them.

Weezer - They always manage to get 1 or 2 good songs off each album, but they're regressed so much since they're earlier days, I can't handle it. They need to stop being hip and trying to rap and go back to having full CDs of songs like Troublemaker, and not just one.

Kings of Leon - Had potential, but killed it with the last CD.

Foo Fighters - They're so generic on most of their songs, that the good ones don't make up for it.

In reverse order...

10) The Killers

This would be higher, but I've seen in the last 2 CDs that they have a lot of holes in their track listings. They have a solid core bunch of songs from each CD, but I find myself wanting to skip songs on Sam's Town and Day & Age. But they still have a lot of great songs, and usually pick the right song for their single, except the absolute miss with A Dustland Fairytale. That's a good deep track, not a single.

9) MGMT

Oracular Spectacular was an album that I loved, then I thought it was kinda weak, then slowly gained strength back. It's slowly becoming one of my favorite CDs, though it sort of ends slowly. But the first half is very strong.

8) The White Stripes

I was a big fan of Elephant, to the degree that if I do a top albums I own list, I'd be shocked if it didn't end up in the top 5. But I was not a huge Icky Thump fan, and I've started thinking that maybe Jack White's other bands (The Raconteurs, among others) may be better to get into, since Meg White is worse than a Muppet at drumming.

7) Red Hot Chili Peppers

I just can't wait until they become our generation's Rolling Stones, playing until they're 60 and creepy looking.

6) Green Day

Let the flaming begin...

Look, I don't listen to the radio. I don't hear Know Your Enemy get played 600 times a day. I didn't hear Boulevard of Broken Dreams get played around 87,302 times in 4 months by one radio station. And I also don't look at them as the same band as the 90s, so I don't have the whole "you ruined your sound!" attitude. I think of them as a new band with a fresh sound. And I actually liked 21st Century Breakdown more than American Idiot, since it was more refined and flowed better.

5) Bloc Party

The only reason this band is only 5 is because they have fallen to the trend to go artsy lately, and I don't trust their next few albums. But there last one had one of the greatest songs I've heard this decade, so there's still hope that they'll find their perfect formula.

4) The Hives

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

3) Cage The Elephant

Cage The Elephant is benefiting from only having 1 CD (which like most opening CDs was good), and having a very old school style, while still sounding new. It's a great mesh, like if they threw The Animals or The Rolling Stones into the current music scene. I give them 2 CDs to suck.

2) Wolfmother

Wolfmother is exactly what I wanted bands like Led Zeppelin to be like. I love the hard rock sound, but the songs had too many solos. I respect the work Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd do, but it's not for me. Wolfmother keeps their songs short(ish), stylish, and heavy. It also has the keyboard and synthesizer parts that give it the spacey sound that really works with their sound. Plus, the band lost 2 members (out of 3), and still sounded good with the new members. Then, the other 2 formed a new band, so I could have another band on this list soon.

1) Muse

People have said Muse sounds like Radiohead and Queen. Rolling Stone went as far to say that they stole from them. Well, fuck you Rolling Stone, Brian May loves Muse! Also, those are two of my favorite bands (to be fair, Radiohead suffers from total screeching halt disease, where all of their CDs have a few songs that ruin all their rhythm). I could listen to their 5 studio albums through and never be bored, except for maybe the end of The Resistance. Which was their latest album. Um....wait...

1) ~~Muse~~ The Hives

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Running Diary: Chem Paper

2009-11-30T22:14:00.010-05:00

Hey loyal readers.

I have a Chemistry paper due at 12:30 tomorrow, Dec. 1st. It is currently 10:15 and I decided you guys can retroactively relive the hell that will be the next 12 hours. So here is my running diary to show what a normal term paper is like for me.

Here we go...

10:16: Brief overview of what my paper is. It is on the Big Bang Theory and Universal Expansion. Interested? I was too until reading 4 articles on it. It also touches on the theory that the Big Bang is part of a cycle that happens infinitely through time with the expansion and cooling of the universe. Did I mention I was in Christian Camp for most of my high school life?

10:18: My professor commented that this subject is "of keen interest to me." Crap. He may as well have said "You can't bullshit for the next 7 pages." Fun fact: those were the last two times I can use quotes without have to put a footnote after it for the next 10 hours.

10:20: More procrastinating before I start: my music choice right now is Keasbey Nights by Streetlight Manifesto. Next album will be The Resistance by Muse.

10:24: The spacing is 1 1/2 inch. That's not a typo. Making a paper not double spaced is like going to a party and there being no chicks: It's miserable for 4 hours and looks awkward.

10:25: Margins can be from 1" to 1.25". Say this class has 30 people in it. Where would Vegas put the line on how many kids take the 1.25? 24? 25? The only competition is people who just don't do a paper worth 20% of the final grade. I'd put it at 27. And I'd probably take the over.

10:26: Also, how many teachers say "10-12 inch font?" Does ANYONE ever do 10? How about 11? 11.5?

10:36: Good start, just realized that he never specified font choice. My English professor last year always made me use Arial instead of Times New Roman, and I have this pipe dream that Arial is bigger. Arial it is.

10:45: Caved to internet pressure and looked at my E-Mail. Congratulations to my Ultimate captain Jim Steeves on being the first person to use "kibosh" in electronic communication history.

10:49: Just realized one of my references has an author (Steinhardt) that rhymes with my professor's name (Reinhardt). Will this get me points, or will I end up with a bibliography that sounds more like the sign up sheet for the Hitler Youth?

11:06: I love introduction paragraphs. The teacher might as well say "waste a page without having to cite anything!"

11:08: I was 10 words in on a paper about the universe and used the word mysterious. Changed it to mystifying to sound less cliche.

11:09: Muse is the perfect band to listen to when reading about universal expansion.

11:17: Official music break to read sources and gather thoughts. The 1.5 space is hurting me more than expected. The whole looking down to see how much is left on the page is much more depressing now. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm about a 4 with a down arrow. If I were a Sim, my diamond would be the color of the water in a urinal after 4 guys in a row didn't flush.

11:19: My first "oh shit, I totally haven't saved yet!" attack. These are often followed by the "oh fuck, I was 3 pages in and the power went out and I haven't saved since page 1!" attack.

11:23: First footnote. Notice I'm not excited.

11:25: Just realized, the authors of the 4 articles I'm citing sound like the characters from Jurassic Park IV:
Andrew Grant (Dr. Grant's son)

Bob Berman (The grizzly veteran paleontologist)

Daniel Pendick (The nerdy tech guy)

Paul Steinhardt (The financier that has evil intentions)

11:53: Official break #1. Amount of pages complete: 0.5.

12:04: Another resident has sat down in the same study room as me, equipped with headphones and a drink. Mind you, it is 12:04 AM, and he just came in here. In a bet to see who stays here the longest, I may actually vote him, knowing that I may be in here until 10 AM.

12:07: The article I'm reading just stated that the temperature of the Big Bang is 10^20 times hotter than the core of the sun. That's unnecessary. There are 3 types of hot: 1) Ow, that burns. 2) SHIT I'M ON FIRE and 3) Instant crisp. Saying that is like saying Stalin is 20 times worse than Hitler. Who cares (Jews), he's still really really bad.

12:21: Just started to do the "if this takes until 4 AM, do I attempt to stay up, or do I just sleep through my 8 AM. It's not pretty.

12:46: While attempting to finish the first page before reading the rest of a Cracked article, a girl who I'd throw at a 7 with a ceiling of an 8 sat down outside the study room with her laptop. If she was in here instead of out there, I'd say there's a 70% chance that around 2AM if she's still around, I'd be tired enough to talk to her but not tired enough to be funny. I'd just be weird and depressing. Side note, my fellow study roommate has taken the feet crossed on the footrest approach. It's like laying down the fort. I've been posed this way for about 2 hours. The girl outside takes a long look inside with that "I really wish that room was empty" look. Also, she wins the award for biggest loss of potential by stepping 10 feet closer. Her ceiling is now a 6.5. I'm not kidding.

12:53: This girl is strutting back and forth with nothing but sweatpants and a sweatshirt on looking like her world just crumbled. Her status can only be described as shaken. Also, this blog is officially 3 times longer than my paper is.

12:56: Is there any cheaper tactic that is not considered cheating (I'm looking at you 14 sized font period) than the one word on a line at the end of every paragraph? Makes the whole paper choppy looking and lame, but dammit it gets results!

1:04: The first "Shit, I X'd out every tab instead of just the one I was on." I knew I should've bookmarked shit. Luckily Blogger saved my drafts every minute. How lovely.

1:06: A kid in the room next to the study room just screamed something that sounded painful, yet self-induced. He was either just killed in Modern Warfare 2 or Phil Ivey was just knocked out of a WPT event.

1:11: This girl is back again, sulking. I can't get over how much that 10 feet swings it. When she's sitting in the chair I'm thinking "maybe a 6.5 is harsh" but when she gets close I'm thinking "Why did I give her that .5?"

1:14: Have officially hit the end of page 1. I'm taking a short break since I have an entire idea for the next 2 pages. I'm not even tired. I feel like I could solidly pull off an all-nighter, grab a frappuccino downstairs, head out to Stats for Psych at 8AM, finish whatever is left of the paper that I don't finish in 7 hours. Slack off in Chem class, then go back and sleep for 2 hours, wake up, and eat, then sleep some more. Is it bad that I'm really considering this as my best option?

1:17: This girl is outside the door, on the cold tile floor, with her laptop up. Just a few notes: We're quiet in here, and have at least 3 outlets open, and a chair with a connection to my footrest. There are movable chairs out in the elevator lobby. There's also study lounges on each of the 5 floors in this building. Let's say she's going with the 4th best option on my list.

1:20: True story: two guys walked into the lobby, looked into the study room, looked at the girl, and looked at each other puzzled. I'm not alone.

1:21: I mean, I'm not that creepy, right?

1:23: Right?

1:25: I just started coughing up a storm and Taking Back Sunday is being played at an audible level somewhere. Elsewhere, study roommate, who will be hereby recalled as "The Indifferent Enigma" (TIE for short) is completely indifferent at these sudden distractions. Also, this person is killing my favorite Taking Back Sunday song (Ghost Man On Third) which is sorta like killing my favorite Hayden Christensen movie, but still.

1:26: Follow up, has there ever been more of a gap in greatness between Hayden Panetierre and Hayden Christensen? How can Hayden's been so far apart in class? Though their acting is about the same, but Hayden Panetierre gets points for being unethically/unimaginably hot in Heroes. Bonus points for being Kairi in Kingdom Hearts. It's all downhill for you now, kid.

1:27: A girl who I recognize from being in the theater department (hereby, Theater Girl) whisks by the girl outside and scampers in grabbing the last seat next to the outlets. If only I could see the girl outside's face. Wait, nevermind, I'll pass.

1:35: It's official, study rooms are basically right up their with subways in the "I really don't want to even make eye contact with people next to me" department.

1:37: TIE inexplicably moves out to the corner of the lobby and promptly sneezes twice. He's probably upset that I got him sick, even though I only have random coughing fits every 10 minutes, brought on about when I think of it. Like right now. Crap.

1:38: A casual glance tells me Theater Girl is just on Facebook and not doing a paper. Are there that many incompatible roommate out there that people have to invade study lounges.

1:39: As a break game, I'm going to try to find out what's this girl's name from just Facebook searches. I give me 6 minutes.

1:42: Got it. Half the time I thought. Also, having someone's Facebook profile up while 4 feet away without knowing them is a little more creepy than buying an ax at 3 AM, but a little less creepy then ever saying "I'm not going to rape you" in a serious context.

1:46: I'm giving the Taking Back Sunday until 3:25 AM before I go crazy, and not a moment after.

1:49: Ghost Man On Third is being replayed. For a split second I thought maybe my iTunes was just on loop really low, but no, it's just people being jackasses.

1:56: The girl outside has called it a night. At nearly 2AM, I would've expected the guys next door to shut up about now.

2:00: Fun Fact: It takes sunlight about 8 minutes to go from the Sun to Earth. Or the average length of a Pink Floyd song.

2:15: Theater Girl puts her hood on. Again, 3 guesses: 1) She thinks I'm judging her hair, 2) She's somehow cold, and 3) Really? I'm that creepy, huh?

2:20: Theater Girl has a paper open now, and literally one sentence written. I'm feeling better about myself.

2:48: Officially hit the "I totally don't have enough content" wall. And I'm only on page 2. And there's not a lot to BS with on Universal Expansion. You can only say the universe is getting larger constantly about 4 different ways.

2:50: Just found an article on the Origins of the Universe that's roughly 4 pages long that was published in Sept. of '09 (a wrinkle in this paper is all material must be less than a year old. This is the best mid season pickup since Victor Martinez).

2:53: I have to make 6 more brutally long pages on the combination of explaining the basics of universal expansion, dark energy, bring it all back together with cyclic Big Bang theories, and write a conclusion. That's barely 4 pages. This is gonna be rough.

3:00: A perfect time for the always clutch paragraph long quote! Then, all it takes is reiterating the same thing in simpler language and there goes a free half page.

3:23: Hitting the "groggy" stage. Almost 2 pages done. Figured out footnotes. New material going strong. Still 2 pages ahead of Theater Girl. Betcha her paper isn't 7 pages with 1.5 space.

3:28: Love hitting that second wind when you realize all sleep hopes are lost and you might as well keep going. Drink break sounds reasonable.

3:31: Never underestimate the "I've been sitting in the same spot for 5 hours" corollary that perfectly states at least one part of your leg is asleep. Think I played it off decent. Also, nothing says procrastinating college kid like a laptop open with Facebook tabbed and a coffee at 3:30 AM.

3:36: I've decided, Theater Girl has now reached awkward eye contact and potential head nod status from now on every time I see her.

3:52: My first thought of "maybe I don't have enough time if I keep procrastinating." Then I remembered I had 8 hours.

4:04: After taking 2 bathroom breaks and a drink break, I'm more impressed that Theater Girl hasn't had to leave the room than impressed that she's stayed in this room so long.

4:06: For funsies, I checked the TV Guide listings for most entertaining show on at 4 AM on a Tuesday. If you put a gun to my head and told me to pick the most entertaining show I would've said "whatever is on Cartoon Network." Indeed I was right, with Robot Chicken on coming in first, then Sportcenter at the 2 spot, Keith Olbermann at 3, RocknRolla at 4, and Recess at a far 5th. If I was home, HBO2 would've won with Snatch, but alas, I am not. Side note: If I was home, I would not be up right now doing a paper.

4:08: On further review, can we change all HBO programming to all Guy Ritchie films at 4AM every weekday? Also, how is RocknRolla on HBO1 and Snatch on 2? At least put Lock Stock on 1.

4:19: I may have just used another half page quote. This is getting sloppy. I'd be happy with a C+.

4:20: For a brief moment I miscalculated and thought I was halfway done, only to realize I was roughly 2/5th done. Fuck.

4:32: I'm starting to look forward to my stats class. Nothing says "Fuck You" like doing ridiculous math equations on 0 hours sleep. Well, besides most things that aren't math related. Delirium score: 7 out of 10.

4:35: Finally, my first thought of "I could sleep now, and do it in the morning." Horrible idea. I would wake up at 8, procrastinate til 9, then have to finish over half a paper in 3 hours. Not happening. Obviously the better plan is to stay up.

4:40: Right as I was thinking, "this would be a perfect time for someone weird to walk by and exchange awkward 'what are you doing up?' glances with." And just like that, Jesus kid delivers.

4:47: And after a solid 3 hours Theater Girl is gone. Shame almost, I miss the thought that I'm not the only crazy one pulling an all-nighter on a Monday/Tuesday.

4:50: I'm making the executive decision that my conclusion is going to be about a page and a half long. When I get to it.

4:52: Fuck it, music's back on, but very softly. You know it's quiet around when volume 4 out of 100 makes you scared someone can hear it.

5:11: I took 2 sentences and made it into two redundant paragraphs. Really earning that C+. For those playing at home, the sentences were "Dark energy causes the universe to expand. This is due to its repelling forces." Now that is basically a whole page of me saying that 45 different ways.

5:16: It is official: at 5:15 AM Eastern Standard Time, Sam Holt has finally found the Holy Grail. A quote that brings this train wreck of a paper back on the tracks to set a precedent for the rest of the paper. I'll be done by 8.

6:15: Major combat operations have ceased.

6:20: Bibliography done, much deserved bathroom break before proofread.

6:30: Barring a proofread disaster I think I'm done. In the end it took roughly 8 hours to complete (an average of just about 1 page per hour, since works cited and the title page can count as one). The rest of my morning will consist of proofreading, E-mailing it to myself, taking a shower, going to stats, wasting time for 3 hours, Chem class, then sleep until the next Big Bang.

Signing off...

Top 7 Disney Channel Original Movies (From The 90s)

2009-11-24T21:22:00.009-05:00

Everyone has seen one of these, mostly due to Disney shamelessly plugging them for months and months each time. But our little 7 year old selves couldn't wait for the next hip Disney movie to come up. The funniest thing is (and I'll get to this later) it is more cool to like these now than it was back in the day. At least from a guys point of view. Disney was definitely the lamer of the two kids networks as far as guys are concerned, with Nickelodeon not only having superior core of cartoons (sorry Timon and Pumba, you were great and all, but you were no Rocket Power), but had a much better Saturday programming in SNICK. Disney really only won in live action shows (Nick would play around with them, but never get them right, Kenan and Kel being the closest they got). To use this to their total advantage, Disney made a lot of corny Disney movies that have stuck with most of us over the years. Now, I actually haven't seen all of the movies, so I had to reduce this list to 7. Even then, the 7 are fuzzy, and I've only rewatched the top 2 recently. But I'm rating them on how I remember them and the reaction I get when I bring them up.

(As a bonus, I'll be listing "Notable Cast" notes for characters in each movie.)

7) Wish Upon A Star

This was one of those chick flicks for little girls. I wish their was a word for this. Can't really say "baby chick flicks". Rather redundant. Could we call them "chiclets"? Yeah? Done.

Anyway, this chiclet takes the age old formula of waking up in someone else's body. Basically your normal Disney movie, but it makes the list because

1) I remember it

and 2)...

Notable Cast:

Katherine Heigl was in this damn movie! This was the second time she's done this to me. I was watching The Ringer the other day (before Heigl was in Knocked Up or Grey's Anatomy) and saw her as the female lead and nearly lost it. How can she be so forgettable? I am the king of "that's that guy from that thing!" in pretty much every group of friends.

Also, Danielle Harris, famous for being the voice of Debbie Thornberry and being in some of the Halloween movies, including a sex scene in probably the worst movie I've ever seen, Rob Zombie's Halloween remake.

Lastly, we come to Don Jeffcoat. Yes, Don Jeffcoat. Notice I haven't given you a link yet? Don't look it up, it'll spoil the surprise. Because I'm about to blow your mind, BRIAN WARD! (Note: If you are not Brian Ward, you probably won't care, but your mind may still be blown. If you are Brian Ward and are quicker then I am, yes, your mind may be blown already. But please give me the satisfaction).

Does the name Don Jeffcoat sound weird? Does it sound like Don Osmond, Jim Hendrix, or Ben and the Jets? That's because Don Jeffcoat is none other than Donnie Jeffcoat. Still not blown away? Maybe you need to remember Omar Gooding? Maybe you haven't seen this show, or maybe you just need the proper context.

I'm sorry that took 5 minutes.

6) Smart House

An interesting plot of a child who programs a mother for his widowed father to help take care of the house. I remember liking this one, but not being in love with it. Out of the 7, this is probably the one I'd like the least to rewatch, just because while Wish Upon A Star would suck more, it has more star power now. Overall, decent movie that most have forgotten about.

Notable Cast: Really just Katey Sagal, who has been in everything from Married...With Children and 8 Simple Rules to Futurama (Leela) and Lost (Locke's girlfriend, Helen).

5) Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century

A chiclet that follows a futuristic valley girl who saves her family and friends in space. This only really stays with me because this came out right about the time I started getting interested in girls (since everyone was hopping on the Britney Spears train). Something about Zenon intrigued me, and even now, despite my bad run ins with girls with a Zenon-esque personality, I have found in college I get along well with those types of girls. Eventually they'd go all crazy and make sequels (sorry, "Zequels", excuse me while I hurl) and totally ruin the character for me.

Notable Cast: The star, Kirsten Storms, managed to do nothing but General Hospital and get a DUI and date a bunch members of lame bands (yeah I said it, take that Red Jumpsuit Apparatus!). Raven-Symone became That's So Raven and such. Zach Lipovsky (if it is the same one, I assume it is) would be a finalist on the abysmal American Idol ripoff, On The Lot, which took good film makers and ruined their careers by subjecting them to popular vote, where all the good filmmakers got voted out because a dude from Kentucky was on the show, and that's who watches that crap. Zach was one of the only ones I liked, and had some really astounding special effects in his short films. Gregory Smith was also in a bunch of notable films with small roles. And Kea Wong was Jubilee in the X-Men movies. That's about it. I didn't even bother linking these people cause they aren't that interesting.

4) Halloweentown

I wasn't a huge fan of this movie, but others were. I don't like Halloween nearly as much as everyone else (well, at least the traditional aspect of it, the college aspect of it is a different story). This was at the tail end of my Disney days, so I don't remember much about it, other than it being played over and over in October. It sorta got overshadowed by Harry Potter coming out. Still, everyone likes witches. Speaking of witches, watch Emma Watson totally destroy Rupert Grint's self esteem. His response is funny, unconvincing, but funny. He looks like the kid that just found out the girl of his dreams doesn't like him. Maybe it's true.

Notable Cast: Debbie Reynolds and a bunch of kids who have Halloweentown listed as their most notable movie.

3) You Lucky Dog

I loved this movie. It's concept was fantastic. A millionaire bypasses his scheming, rotten heirs and gives all his money to his dog, and leaves the dog in the care of Mike Seaver. Brilliant all the way from the shopping spree to the court scene, even if it gets a bit ridiculous with Lucky controlling Kirk Cameron's body.

Notable Cast:

Kirk Cameron, Chelsea Noble (Mike Seaver's love interest), John de Lancie (Q on Star Trek: TNG), James Avery (the father in Fresh Prince), Myra Turnley (Peggy Olsen's mother in Mad Men), and Rick Fitts (dude who played Gerald's dad in Hey Arnold).

2) Escape to Witch Mountain

A movie that has aged horribly and has way too many corny lines to even count. This movie has crappy dialog, a child story line that would make ABC Family hurl, and a bully with a duck call that was supposedly intimidating. But as an impressionable little kid, I loved the connection with a twin, using your heart to use powers, and ultimately going to a better place through a giant purple tube. I swear I'm not gay.

Notable Cast: Erik Von Detten and Sam Horrigan (both more famous for being in Brink!), Robert Vaughn (the guy from the D'Olivera and Morgan commercials), Lauren Tom, Kevin Tighe (John Locke's dad in Lost), Brad Dourif, Vincent Schiavelli, and Elisabeth Moss (Peggy Olsen from Mad Men).

1) Brink!

I actually had this 2 until people threatened to burn my house down for putting Escape to Witch Mountain at #1.

Arguably the only one on this list people admitted to watching. Back in the day, especially with guys, it was hard to not get picked on when talking about the Disney Channel. Brink! was cool enough that most kids ended up watching it. On a college campus these days, you'd be hard pressed to find someone that hasn't heard of it, even if they don't remember it. And like most things in the 90s, like N64, Legends of the Hidden Temple, and the Gin Blossoms, whenever someone brings them up, they think back to the "good ol' days" when they were naive and couldn't watch R rated movies without getting in trouble.

Anyway...

Not only was this a great story, but it had some great moments, funny lines (even if they were corny), and hit my age group right in stride. It came out in 1998, right when we were making the transition from Disney

Channel to better things, but still young enough to be impressionable. Tony Hawk Pro Skater wasn't out yet, so inline skating wasn't lame yet. In fact, they make fun of skateboarders in this movie! No way that happens now, in fact they'd probably only make a skateboarding movie. People still wear Team Pup and Suds shirts and reminisce about what part was better. In fact, I may have an entire countdown for best Brink! moments. I don't know if I could decide between Peter's inverted 540 or Brink's shortcut in the final race. The movie also had a kick ass soundtrack with 3 songs I still listen regularly. And it was like, only the 3 songs, they just played them all twice. Lastly, it's extremely quotable. In fact, I could probably make an entire list of best Brink! quotes. You know what, I think I will.

Notable Cast:

von Detten and Horrigan again (von Detten was also Sid in Toy Story), Christina Vidal (Taina), David Graf, and the Black Power Ranger

Vikings: 9-1

2009-11-23T23:47:00.001-05:00

I'll stop talking about sports for a while.

Thanksgiving post in the works! How disappointed will you be? Probably 80%!

That is all...

Hand of Frog

2009-11-20T19:46:00.002-05:00

In case you don't give a crap about international sports, I'm going to give you an update on what happened as qualifying ended for World Cup 2010.

On November 18th, all but 6 spots were determined out of the 32 teams competing in the World Cup. Four of the games were European playoffs, while the other three were an African playoff and an Americas (North and South) playoff. On paper, there were relatively few surprises, the only of which being Slovenia somehow beat Russia and Algeria upset Egypt. But this was on paper.

The paper reads that in the two game playoff between France and Republic of Ireland was won by France 2-1 on aggregate. France won the first game 1-0. Ireland won the second game 1-0 as well. This game went to extra time (overtime for the American sport viewer) due to the two game combined score was a tie at 1-1, and the first tiebreaker (most away goals) was tied as well. Extra time in soccer is played out in full, and whoever is winning at the end of the extra 30 minutes wins. After it goes to penalty kicks. This would not be the case in this game.

In extra time, French hero Thierry Henry stopped a ball from going out of bounds with his hand, then crossed it to an open William Gallas to score the eventual winning goal.

Here's the video.

To be fair, Henry clearly resigned to the fact that he cheated. He wishes the game to be replayed. But FIFA ruled that the ref has the final decision. Ireland are out of the World Cup, just like that.

This may not seem fair, but it's a growing trend in sports. Football is really the only sport that has booth reviews, and they can only be used twice per half and inside 2 minutes.

But that's pretty much it.

Overall, it isn't entirely Henry's fault. The ball bounced into his hand, and the Irish defense seemed more content waving their hands in appeal than actually defending Gallas. But to not have a replay or some sort of system preventing this from happening is downright wrong. This is the World Cup. It comes once every 4 years. It is the biggest tournament in international soccer. And now Ireland won't have a chance at it because of one man's hand.

Top 10 Things That Suck About Being Sick On Your Own

2009-11-10T10:11:00.002-05:00

Being sick sucks in general. Everything is worse and simple tasks take more effort. The only benefit it really has is it gives you an excuse to miss stuff. But the bad far outweighs the good. This is doubled when you aren't around people that can really help much. As a single man at college, I don't have a mother or a girlfriend on call to take care of me. That meant I was on my own until the weekend, when I decided enough was enough and that I should head home. In the meantime though, I figured out what sucked most about being sick (though #1's probably not a shocker). Here we go...

10) Always Being Hungry

This isn't always true, as when you pass the sickness threshold to "really sick", food is no longer a factor. But when you are, you feel like you need food, but you just can't eat anything. It's a horrible feeling, and almost always ends up with you trying to stuff down something, and only feeling nauseous after.

9) Looking Like Shit

If, for some reason, you have to go out in public when sick, you always look terrible. It's like a rule. No one ever can play off being sick. Their eyes always have that touch of despair dashed with exhaustion. Plus, being really pale and blotchy never helps the complexion.

8) Other People Complaining That You Got Them Sick

Sick people hate this, because usually the person that you got sick is almost like angry at you. People who are already sick don't give a shit, so shove it.

7) Missing Classes/Work

Sometimes this comes in handy, but other times it's simply miserable. If something at class/work is really important, and you can't get time off, you either have to go in sick or skip it and face the consequences. Especially at college, where doctor's notes are about as easy to come by as the Fountain of Youth or a smart, attractive, nice girl without a boyfriend.

6) Having To Purchase Supplies

When you get sick, chances are your missing a key ingredient to getting better. Soup, medicine, water, or something like that. If you are home or have someone around that cares, no problem, toss them some bills and they'll go pick it up. But if you're like me, you're gonna stumble into the CVS gathering tissues and waters and feeling like absolute shit that you had to leave your room. Luckily, that's a bit of an exaggeration, since I had 2 friends to help carry shit (see 24 pack of waters), so it wasn't that bad, I just had to walk there.

5) The Constant Need For Tissues

If you ever leave the fort, you need some form of tissues with you. Braving the dining hall? Tissues. Storming the laundry room? Tissues. Exploring the vending machines? Tissues. Highly annoying because there's always at least 3 times you don't have them, and it turns into the awkward "rub my nose when no one's looking" game that always ends messy, and someone noticing.

4) Missing That One Thing

There's always something you miss when sick that you were looking forward to. I almost missed my Mike Birbiglia show, but I made it okay. Still, most of the time something gets canned. Ski trip, sleepover, movie night, anything. There was a girl that was suppose to go to El Salvador with me and my church group, a trip we had been planning for a year, and missed out due to getting bronchitis the week of. Sometimes it's really bad, you just have to hope the sickness passes in time.

3) Losing Sleep

The whole night when you are really sick is dreadful. Chills, fever, coughing, sneezing, nose running all night. It's terrible, and allows you about 1 hour of sleep at a time. You wake up still exhausted and never feel complete. Even 3 or 4 days later, the nose is still a factor and can keep you up in the middle of the night.

2) People Shunning You

Fuck this. Whenever I get sick, it always feels like no one wants to help, and everyone wants to stay away. I understand people don't wanna get sick, but some people go out of their way to treat you like an untouchable in India. It gets ridiculous.

1) Being Fucking Sick

Fuck being sick! Shit sucks!

Boo Updates, Hurray Beer

2009-10-27T15:34:00.004-04:00

Okay, I'll be honest. This blog hasn't really turned out how I wanted it to. I'm not doing what I wanted to do, instead just providing lists that only half of my 10 (or, more accurately 8) viewers actually enjoy. At the moment, I'm running out of ideas. I'm not exactly insightful on relationships, which is where a lot of my ideas come from, and I'm hesitant to do them. At the same time, I would like to stay active, but I probably won't at the same rate. I'm going to try to come up with good ideas. I haven't had nearly as many good ideas about random life things as I wanted, or advice columns. So maybe I'll think of a few, and pump those out. Until then, check back for more quality in the future.

P.S.

I just finished the first Harry Potter book again, and Fred is easily beating out George for best lines. I think the final count was like 4-1.

Why Nice Guys Finish Last

2009-10-19T22:50:00.003-04:00

I've been told I'm a nice guy. There are a lot of us out there, and for most of the more socially awkward ones, we don't attract much attention. Flirting these days is usually no more than making jokes about the other person, or simply just playfully annoying them. While I partake in this practice like everyone else, there are many who are out there that don't use this concept. Instead, they try to work towards the friendship, and use that as an in. This however, leads them directly to the Friend Zone. The Friend Zone is a very, very bad place to be. It is hard to get out, and almost impossible to convince someone they are in it. It's kinda like having an addiction, the person doesn't think it's true, and their time is coming. Nope.

Here are some helpful hints for those poor souls that were like me (and still like me), and what to do about it.

1) Don't over expose

A mighty killer of nerds everywhere, over exposure can kill momentum of a budding relationship. Now, I'm not saying if you had a nice night to wait 3 days to talk to her again. I'm saying if you've talked to a girl for like 5 straight hours and you're being boring, don't keep pushing it. Don't do the same things over an over. Don't push the same inside joke. Give her some space sometimes. If she keeps coming to you, fine. But don't smother her. Think of it like a fire, if you throw all the wood on it once, it goes out. Let it breathe, and then add more.

2) Don't try to be the problem solver

This was my MO. Solve all her problems, and you'll be the hero. Wrong. Again, not saying not to help her with problems. You just don't wanna be the guy she calls up when something bad happens looking for advice. Listen. Listen good. Offer sympathy. Don't come up with extravagant plans to figure out why her ex-boyfriend is dating someone 4 years younger than him. Now, if you help her out with some problems, that may actually help you in the long run. But you are dancing at the door of the Friend Zone. She might think of you as a friend she can't risk losing. Girls have the ability to think that dating ruins friendship. Remember that, even if we don't.

3) Leave a layer of mystery

If you are completely predictable, its boring. Girls don't like that. You'll be in the Friend Zone faster than Speedy Gonzalez on roller skates on a slick road with a nice tail wind. This is hard for many a nice nerd, since all they want to do is talk to the girl over and over. Don't ignore her, but don't exclaim your life story at a whim. Be obscure, but independent. If she knows everything about you, she controls you.

4) Be confident

Never put yourself down, even if you're trying to be funny. Don't be cocky, though. It's more about not making yourself lame. If a girl is having a rough time, say stuff like "It'll be fine, everything will work out", not "Can't be worse than my life". They don't wanna hear that. NO ONE wants to hear that.

5) Unfortunately, every girl is different, so mix it up

I am probably one of the worst people to give dating advice. I'm rather shy, I don't impose, and I'm rather awkward, so I don't date much. But this I know. Some girls will throw you in the Friend Zone for any of these reasons or more. But I'll warn all you nice guys, at least the ones in high school. I have yet to see anyone start dating someone because they can help them with their problems and they were a good friend. It's always someone who is funny, caring, and confident. That's why the same people always get girls. Get a feel for a girl, play to your strengths, and try to work it out. Just don't become her best friend, attach to her hip, and expect her to succumb to your being.

Or, I'm completely wrong and I just wasted your time. Either way, I felt like I needed to post something that my female readers (both of you) might actually enjoy, even if they shook their heads for over half of it. They think they all like nice guys, but they don't. Not until their mid twenties at least. Until then, here's hoping.

What Each Mario Kart Character Represents

2009-10-13T22:40:00.002-04:00

Pretty much everyone has played Mario Kart in their life. I've played Mario Kart with pretty much everyone over the past 12 years. I've played my friends, parents, cousins, older kids when I was younger, younger kids when I was older, friend's girlfriends, grandparents...you name it. The best part about Mario Kart? It is competitive for everyone. It is the socialist manifesto game of the century. It rewards the poor and takes from the rich. Last place gets the best items, first place gets a banana to attempt to block the 5 blue shells destroying your life. Plus, it is very addictive, leading to more and more games being played by everyone. But, because everyone is playing, everyone needs to pick a character. Mario Kart 64 had only 8 characters. I've noticed most of the people I play with will keep their MK64 character, despite Mario Kart Wii having about 450 characters to choose from (okay, that's an exaggeration, its only about 200). Out of those 8, these are the people that play each character...

Mario - The Independent

The people who play as Mario are the same people who do things before they are cool. Mario is so cliche that it's not cliche. These people are usually their own people, the ones who don't give a fuck what you do or what you say about them, they are being Mario because they like Mario. Seriously, how many people do you know who play as Mario? I know 1. And he pretty much exemplifies this mentality.

Luigi - The Support Guy

I have to admit, I fall into this category right now. And I love being Luigi. Everyone who plays Luigi is the same. They have one thing they do in a group and they stick to it. It's their "thing". Every group has someone who plays Luigi. Usually he's not contested. A lot of people who play as Luigi I noticed use to play as Yoshi. More on that later.

Peach - No One

Seriously? No one plays as Peach. I guess maybe old fashioned girls or feminists will play as Peach, but most girls opt for either Yoshi or Toad, so no one ever plays as Peach anymore. Unless it's a joke.

Toad - Number 1's

I couldn't think of a good way to say self-absorbed or selfish, so I said Number 1's. Usually these are the people who think they're hot shit. This started when Toad was rumored to be the fastest character in MK64 (since he was in the SNES version). So they felt entitled to the best character. This person would switch out from Yoshi and Toad, depending on the time they were in and what their older, cooler cousins, siblings, or friends were picking at the time.

Wario - The Indecisive

Here's the thing: I'm guessing more people changed from Wario to someone else after Double Dash came out. No one liked Wario. Waluigi is a lot more sneaky, Bowser is more evil, and Donkey Kong is more powerful. These were the people that wanted to be fast, but still powerful. But Wario's a douche. No one wants to be Wario.

Donkey Kong - The Real Big Guy

Donkey Kong is played by the dude who just wants to wreck shit. He wants to over power everything. It's the same guy who picks Knights over Archers, Boxing over Golf, Fight over Flight...you get it.

Bowser - The Tool

This is the guy who wants to battle all the time. It's not to be confused with Toad or Yoshi, because the Bowser people are usually just assholes. Do you have a friend that only talks about football, punches you for no reason, and quits when they suck at something? I bet you he plays as Bowser.

Yoshi - Fucking Everybody Else

Everyone liked Yoshi. I'm sure if there was a graph of what character was played as MK, it would probably be like 70% Yoshi. Yoshi was the cute cuddly side kick. So automatically all the girls and young kids wanted to be him. He was always portrayed as cool, and people always wanted to be him, leading to others wanting to follow the mold. Like everyone, I had a phase of playing as Yoshi. I eventually changed to Wario when my older cousin always took him, and I wanted to win at battle. Then I changed to Toad cause I wanted to win. Then I went to Bowser cause at the time he was the oddball pick. Then I realized Luigi was the better option. So I'm sticking with Luigi. All you Yoshi lovers can suck yourselves, though it'd probably take you about 20 years.

Zombieland

2009-10-08T19:36:00.008-04:00

Rarely is there a movie I like so much that I walk out of the theater knowing I want to own it and watch it again the day it comes out. Zombieland is that movie. Maybe it is because I like zombie movies, especially when they're comedies. Maybe it's because it's really funny and cleverly packaged. Maybe it's because they didn't try to do too much by trying to solve the infection or save the world (which is also why 28 Days Later... was so good). Maybe it's because they didn't use the Dawn of the Dead slow zombies or the 28 Days Later... Olympic Relay zombies, and settled for the Left 4 Dead average zombies.

But no. It is because Jesse Eisenberg (a poor man's Michael Cera, not due to his lack of acting talent, just because he's less known) is every awkward kid ever (see: Me and most of my friends, and pretty much 3/4 the audience), and Emma Stone is fucking amazing. I seriously don't have celebrity crushes, pretty much ever. They don't make sense, especially if one lives very far from LA. But Emma Stone is less than a year older than (barely) and has probably the prettiest eyes in Hollywood. And I'm a big eye guy. Somehow she's natural blond, but her hair gets better as it strays from its original color. And I legitimately celebrated when I found out she was shorter than me despite looking tall in every movie she does. I'll get over it eventually. Until then, she can keep making great movies.

Also, around the 3/4 mark right before the climax, this movie does everything right. Rather than just set up the ending, it has what amounts to the 3 greatest scenes in the movie back to back. And after the climax, which is fucking awesome, hilarity ensues in the form of the simple desire for a certain sponge cake.

The acting is great, Woody Harrelson proving he can still pump out a good acting job when necessary. And for a movie with literally 6 characters, all the actors do a great job. This was also probably the only movie I've ever seen where I had literally seen every actor in another movie (Eisenberg was actually in The Village, so it counts).

So overall, I definitely recommend Zombieland. Even if you don't like Zombie movies, though it is decently violent. The movie has a great pace and the ending, without giving much away, is fitting and very well done. So go see it. Like right now. I can wait...

...

Back? Wasn't it awesome!

10 Queen Songs for Rock Band (Updated)

2009-09-28T12:21:00.003-04:00

Quick note, I have (unfortunately) allowed for comments for people who don't have their own account. May the Internet have mercy. But this is mostly friends anyway, so I don't really care much. I've mostly allowed comments for people that want to comment that are much to lazy to sign in or register. Okay? Great.

So sometime in October (supposedly), Rock Band is going to be releasing 10 Queen songs for download. Since I am by far the biggest Queen fan in my group of friends (or, perhaps about 9th), I decided I was best fit to tell you what songs you should be demanding the heavens (or Harmonix) with shaking fists and screams of anger from everyone's favorite band named after a royal title (suck it Kings of Leon, Prince, and Princess Princess).

I'll also give you the benefit of me guessing the probability of releasing the song, which I no doubt have no grasp of. So if you see PoR, that stands for the Probability of Release.

Also, for everyone who just Wiki'd Princess Princess, I apologize for getting your hopes up.

So, in a particular order that has no ranking, but ordered in a way I find interesting...

1) Under Pressure
Easily the best song for a Rock Band party, gets everyone involved, and I assume by the end you have like 5 people singing various parts of the song and everyone failing miserably to reach Freddie Mercury's top note in his second scream. Plus the bassist can have some spotlight for about 20 seconds. Overall, why would you not want this song? I get chills just thinking about it on my playlist.

PoR: 100%
They already confirmed its release. Harmonix usually doesn't go back on its word, especially when Guitar Hero 5 already has it. Harmonix wants to get even.

INCLUDED

2) I'm In Love With My Car
The B-Side of Bohemian Rhapsody is a drummer's delight as Roger Taylor belts out this ballad about a man in love with his vehicle. With a great guitar track too, this seems like a great song for release, even if it wasn't a hit song. With great lines like "Told my girl I'll have to forget her, rather buy me a new carburetor," how can you go wrong?

PoR: 10%
It just wasn't a hit. I don't expect with Queen's vast collection that they'd throw a non-hit on there.

NOT INCLUDED

3) Breakthru
If they're going to release a later Queen song, I feel they have to go with Breakthru. Catchy, fast paced, and seemingly fun for everyone. Do it.

PoR: 35%
It wasn't released in the United States, so it wasn't a hit here. It did reach #7 in the UK though. They might give it a shot though.

NOT INCLUDED

4) Another One Bites The Dust
In a game where people are always fighting to play lead guitar, it would be nice to release a legendary bass song. Unless someone is playing Panic Attack, Hysteria, or Ace of Spades, they are usually either bored by repetitive mashing or a note every 30 seconds. Plus, it was a major hit.

PoR: 70%
I can't see them not releasing this, but I don't know their budget, so they might not go for a bunch of hits, especially if they empty the bank for their top hits.

INCLUDED

5) I Want It All
The more I put songs like this down, the more I think Queen needs its own Rock Band game, since the vocal harmonies are so fantastic. Anyway, this is such a great song, I feel they need to put this in.

PoR: 80%
This has been in like 430 commercials in the last 20 years, why wouldn't they get this?

INCLUDED

6) Don't Stop Me Now
I had to decide between this, Bicycle Race, Fat Bottomed Girls, Killer Queen, Stone Cold Crazy, and You're My Best Friend for the last song on the list (the last 4 I had decided on already, to build up to #10). This seems like the natural pick, but any of the others would fit. I honestly wouldn't be suprised if 4 or 5 of these songs ended up making the 10 that are released. They are mostly cheap, weren't huge hits, but are still good songs an beloved by their fans.

PoR: 85%
For the whole group, I'd say 95% that 2 of them make it to the final list. Don't Stop Me Now is the better song, even though some of the others may be more popular.

NOT INCLUDED: Killer Queen and Fat Bottomed Girls INCLUDED

7) Hammer To Fall
Harmonix could put another of the above group in the pack, but I think they will go for one song that is sort of under the radar. Radio Ga-Ga, Kind Of Magic, and Hammer To Fall all make sense as one throw away track. My guess is Hammer To Fall.

PoR: 45%
It depends on the budget, but I bet Hammer To Fall grabs a spot. The only reason the number is lower is there are so many Queen Songs that fit this category, I don't know which one it'll be.

NOT INCLUDED: The budget appears to be low though, so there's a lot of songs like the ones mentioned.

8) Flash
AAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Sorry, had to.

PoR: 40%
While it seems like a great song to put on, I really don't think they will. I think they're going more classic Queen, and this was sort of straying off the road type of song. But, it is still a great song, so I'm not writing it off.

NOT INCLUDED

9) We Will Rock You
You have to get this right? How could you justify not getting it? The only two arguments are that you couldn't get it without "We Are The Champions" which is both boring and more money, or you are releasing another back next month or something and wanted more hit songs to release.

PoR: 90%
Has to be. So many people will buy this song. It's easy money.

TECHNICALLY NOT INCLUDED: In Lego Rock Band, it can be transferred.

10) Bohemian Rhapsody
Okay, is it long? Yes. Are there many parts with no Rock Band instruments playing? Yes. But is it one of the greatest songs of all time? Definitely. Harmonix is in a bit of a pickle here. On one hand, they are releasing a pack that will guarentee them money, as there are a lot of Queen fans out there and they have been clamoring for songs. On the other hand, how many people are going to want to play Bohemian Rhapsody and go get a soda for 2 minutes while the Vocals tries his best to get the attention of all the chicks in his general vicinity? How much do they have to spend on the rights? How many people will complain that they were playing a 4 song mystery setlist, and they just got held up for 6 minutes because Bohemian Rhapsody came up? In the end, I think they should still do it. If they released songs like Foreplay/Longtime and Won't Get Fooled Again despite long breaks in between notes, they can surely get Bohemian Rhapsody.

PoR: ??%
I really don't know. I have no clue what Harmonix is going to do. I'm rooting for it, but there's no way I can possibly gauge what different factors they have to take into account. Call this a cop out, but you don't pay me to make impossible decisions!

NOT INCLUDED

Emmy Afterthoughts

2009-09-22T10:29:00.005-04:00

This year's Emmys was rather disappointing due to many factors:

1) I had no food during the awards and I was really hungry.
2) Tom Hanks was there and he didn't say anything.
3) Kanye West didn't interrupt anyone.
4) Justin Timberlake completely whiffed on a Kanye joke and made Tina Fey give an awkward fake laugh.
5) Pretty much everyone who won last year won again this year.

Seriously, out of like the 10 major categories, 32 of them were repeat winners of last year. That's like 320%.

Also, the "humor" that was written for the outstanding Neil Patrick Harris (NPH) was pretty much as funny as the sentence above. I thought I'd give you an example. NPH did do a good job of noticing his failed writing staff, and made occasional jokes at their expense.

But, as I stated a couple months ago, I will go over the winners of all major categories, I don't expect it will take too long as I expect to copy/paste "Predictable" for half of them.

Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock

The problem with 30 Rock winning Comedy Series is the same problem as saying that Pulp Fiction is the best independent movie ever. 30 Rock's writing staff is ridiculous. They are one of the only staffs that I could name more than 4 writers without even owning a DVD to hear them all make commentary. Add to it that they get guest stars with their budget that would be worth an entire season of Weeds each, and you can't really compete at all. How I Met Your Mother had one noticeable celebrity when it started (Alyson Hannigan) and two guys that were cult status at best, all from earlier TV work from over 10 years age, and had enjoyed a recent resurgence from current movies (Jason Segel and Neil Patrick Harris; "Freaks and Geeks" and "Doogie Howser"; Judd Apatow movies and Harold and Kumar, all respectively). 30 Rock gets Steve Martin, Oprah Winfrey, Jon Hamm, and Alan Alda. HIMYM gets Wayne Brady and Regis Philbin. See the difference? Everyone else (with the exception of The Office) is either in the same boat, or is Family Guy, whose cast was no doubt drunk by the time the award was given out anyway. But whatever, it's still a good show.
(Note: The Pulp Fiction analogy works because Pulp Fiction had a huge budget for a so-called "Indie Film", sort of defeating the purpose)

Outstanding Drama Series
Mad Men

Predictable, but the obvious choice. Lost had a very transitional season, with little real impact. Shows like Breaking Bad and Damages are more good acting than good plot, though I've only really seen a little. Mad Men is the whole package. I still say it would be loads better on HBO.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin

He does a good job, but I think everyone was kinda rooting for a Jim Parsons, Steve Carell, or even Tony Shalhoub for his final year as Monk. Regardless, Alec Baldwin will win this award until he decides he doesn't want it.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Bryan Cranston

I have to admit, as pumped as I was for him winning last year, this year I was kinda rooting for everyone else. I feel Hugh Laurie really deserves an Emmy, and even John Hamm maybe should get a nod. And of course, Michael C. Hall is amazing as Dexter. Still, if Bryan Cranston is best, he shouldn't get beaten just because he was the best already.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
Toni Collette

I was sort of surprised to not see Tina Fey win here, but Toni Collette's little known show requires her to play a wide range of characters, so while I haven't seen it, I'm assuming she deserves it.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Glenn Close

Same people, different year.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Jon Cryer

Surprising, but nice to see him snab one after being nominated so long. NPH and Rainn Wilson will have to wait another year.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
Michael Emerson

Fucking finally.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Kristin Chenoweth

Nice to see Pushing Daisies pick up a win after getting cancelled. Poor Kristin barely could keep it together through her speech. It will be interesting to see who wins this category next year.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Cherry Jones

I was out of the room getting a drink for this category, so I really have no clue. This category has downgraded faster than Bronson Arroyo does in this commercial (in quality, but not hilarity).

Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series
The Daily Show

Jon Stewart and company are just plain better than Colbert Nation. And they prove it at the Emmys year after year.

Outstanding Reality-
Okay, I skipped most of the reality stuff, so fuck it.

Also, quick note. They retired Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Special for some reason. This was the award that basically nominated Colbert, Stewart, Letterman, and Conan and then prompty gave the award to some legend who had a musical special or comedy special (like Tony Bennett or Don Rickles). Was this too much? I liked this award. They still have the writing, but not the acting.

So the Emmys are now over, and I can go back to enjoying a year of TV that hopefully won't suck and won't end with me cursing the heavens for wasting about 100 hours of my life watching Lost.

Also, have you heard? It was my impression that everyone had heard...

Shut Up Bender

So Yeah...

3 Month Check-in

Year Off

Top 15 Viral Videos

5 Underrated Presidents

10 Girly Bands I Like (And Why I Like Them)

My Top 20 Most Anticipated Movies In The Next 6 Months

The Best Heist Movie Ever

How To Be A Hipster Douche

My Top 10 Favorite Web Comics

Emmys 2010 Preview: Shows

Emmys 2010 Preview: Acting

Why (500) Days of Summer is better than Garden State (In My Own Opinion)

Top 10 Real "Losers" Of Lost

Why Inception Is Better Than You

Great Sporting Events For That "Wow" Moment

The Most Generic Pop Punk Song Ever

Top 10 Favorite Exotic Pet Ideas

A Retrospective of EGM's Top 50 Coolest New Games (23-1)

A Retrospective of EGM's Top 50 Coolest New Games (50-24)

Top 15 Lonely Island Shorts

Top 20 Lost Characters Updated

Top 15 80's One Hit Wonders

Top 10 "Batman 3" Potential Villains

Two-a-Days Part 2: 2010 NFL Draft running diary

Two-a-Days Part 1: 20 Comments About D2: The Mighty Ducks

Top 15 Upcoming Video Games I'm Excited For

Devil's Advocate: Real World/Road Rules Challenge

Ballsy Names For Your Kids

5 New Rules of Life

Death of AIM

Top 10 Female Celebrities I Like

Goodbye, Winter Olympics

Freshmen Year History Diary

The 10 Worst Pointless Levels In Great Video Games Of The Past Decade

Top 10 Choices For The Next Superbowl Halftime Show

Guitar Rifts That Will Embarrass You In Public

Top 20 Lost Characters

The Eulogy of Sean Tivnan's Fantasy Football Season

Store Employees

Devil's Advocate: Cry Me a River

How To Start A Pop Punk Band

Top 10 Current Bands That Give Me Hope For The Future

Running Diary: Chem Paper

Top 7 Disney Channel Original Movies (From The 90s)

Vikings: 9-1

Hand of Frog

Top 10 Things That Suck About Being Sick On Your Own

Boo Updates, Hurray Beer

Why Nice Guys Finish Last

What Each Mario Kart Character Represents

Zombieland

10 Queen Songs for Rock Band (Updated)

Emmy Afterthoughts